What do I do? I’m so stuck.

[Gatheryourtarten]

Please some advice because I’ve been stuck for years now.
I’ve been married 18 years, since I was 20 and have three dc, primary aged. I’ve not been ‘happy’ ever really, I knew when I married it didn’t feel as it probably should but it felt impossible to back out of. I live a very separate life to dh, which is how I’ve managed so far, but lockdown number two is feeling harder than the first one.
We stopped having sex years ago and it’s never been great anyway. We’ve gone four or five years without it. Basically only having it to ttc. Dh says it’s not the most important thing in a relationship.
We don’t talk or seen to have similar values.

But we do have three dc.
And dh would be extremely upset.

I feel by staying im sacrificing myself but by leaving I’m sacrificing everyone else. My concern is that I cannot ‘act’ indefinitely, it is exhausting. I don’t hate dh, I don’t want to hurt him, but I cannot see anyway back from here. I have changed so much since I got married and I feel squashed and suffocated.
Is it a case of the grass is greener? The thought of spending time with him over lockdown and Christmas makes my heart beat faster and it feel like it’s hard to breathe. Understand it’s not his fault, it’s mine. It’s the pretending it’s all fine when I don’t feel fine. I don’t want him to touch me or make sleazy comments (which he does despite the lack of sex). I don’t want to make plans with him to do things.
I really wish I did because life would be easier if I could just check back in, or pretend forever but I’m concerned I can’t. The children should be enough for me to stay but I don’t know if they are.
Has this happened to anyone else? What did you do?

It sounds awful.

Your dc would adjust if you split up.

Your husband would have the opportunity to meet someone else who does love him and want him - you say you're sacrificing yourself, but he's also missing out on a genuinely loving relationship, even if he thinks what you have together is enough right now.

Change is scary, but this is going to turn you into a shell of yourself, and ultimately that's bad for all of you.

I don’t see that you’re sacrificing anybody by leaving. As long as the DC are well looked after then they will get used to it. I’m sure in the long term they’d rather have a happy mother than an unhappy one. I’m sure they aren’t getting the best of you if you’re so miserable.

As for your H, well he is an adult, he needs to look after himself. If you’re so miserable int the marriage then chances are he is to. If he’s a decent bloke then he’s not going to be happy knowing you’re unhappy. He’ll be missing out too, even if he doesn’t realise it, so breaking up would free him to find a happier relationship too.

You only get one life OP, and you’ve spent almost half of yours in a relationship that isn’t satisfying you. You don’t get the time back.

I worry about dh. He’s 12 years older than me. He has a good job but he doesn’t have many close friends. His mum is still around but elderly and his brothers and sister have their own families. I worry who’d support him. He will be very angry and hurt. I have to be sure because as soon as I say anything that will be it. He will quickly hate me. He loves me now, or the version of me I present to him. It’s very carefully constructed.

You shouldn't stay out of fear of how he'll react. That doesn't sound good.

Are you always on eggshells around him? What are you afraid he'll do?

You're not responsible for his mental health. And currently he doesn't have to bother with social networking because you fill that need. Without you, he'd have to make an effort if it bothers him. (Also, you might be surprised how fast he may find another woman to fill your role) .

He’s either at work or on the golf course ordinarily. Unfortunately the golf courses have closed.

Because the picture you're painting is not of a man desperately in love and needing you specifically, but of a man wanting interchangeable, fits the bill woman.

That’s how it feels. But he says all the right things. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s the checking out.

Staying for the children rarely if ever is a good idea and in your case its a particularly bad one. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want this sort of a relationship as adults for them, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either. Divorce is not failure but living in such unhappiness is.

Its not you, its him. He is neither a decent example of a husband nor parent to you and your children. It looks like you all come way down the list of his priorities after work and the golf course. He is the one who has caused you to check out and that has happened because of his behaviours towards you over time. His sleazy comments also would put off any woman, no wonder you do not want to have sex with him.

Why do you feel so responsible for him; are you codependent in relationships?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. You were a wide eyed naive 20 year old at the time you and he met along with having no real life experience behind her. That made you very attractive to someone like your now H.

Do not sacrifice yourself and your kids on his altar here and besides which his needs are NOT more important than yours. Be brave and make the break.

Better to be also from a so called "broken home" than to remain within one.

You could suggest counselling?
Can help with a smooth ending

I felt similar to dh and said I wondered if we might both be happier living separately and co parenting, and if he felt the same way.
I really thought he might.
But he didn’t.
Since then things have actually improved between us and I’m still ok hanging in there for now but it was a good conversation to have.
Is there any chance he might agree with you?

If he refuses counselling (which he may well do here) then go to sessions on your own. You need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

He says he works hard for us.
He says the right things but I have always felt lonely in my marriage and there’s a power imbalance.
I don’t know how to check back in.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this still for you?.

You do not have to check back in and he would have to do a lot of work on himself in order for that to happen. He also seems quite happy as he is, you also do the bulk of child rearing and work within the home.

He is working hard for his own self, not necessarily you people.

I work too but it pays much much much less than his job.

What were the circumstances you married given you were young and he was 12 years older? No judgement at all, it's just to see if there's any way back from this...

That should not be a factor here re staying.

You only need to give your own self permission to leave. Sacrificing your own happiness for everyone else will do you and they no favours at all.

I can’t really remember Abi it was so long ago. It was fast. He was declaring love and proposals very quickly. We were married less than 18 months after meeting.
It was too fast and I was too young but that isn’t his fault, nor my dc’s fault.

I am struggling hard with this. I just want everyone to be ok.

It was too fast and I was too young but that isn’t his fault

Oh really? Who else was driving things? He was 32, he rushed into proposals and declarations of love, and yet has no responsibility for that? There's a certain kind of guy that likes a young woman as there's a power dynamic and he feels like he can mould and control her.

It's not really coincidence that as you're getting older, coming out of the young children blur, you're starting to kick against the traces.

I feel very similar to yourself, very similar circumstances, I haven’t felt really happy for years but H hasn’t done anything terrible and is not I bad person so I feel like the bad person, wish I could feel like I did years ago before life took over. I know that’s not much help but just to let you know you’re not alone.

I was an adult though. It wasn’t as though I was 16. I was a young adult, but still an adult.
However, I agree it has meant the power has always been in his favour, he has always felt to me to be the one who has the say in things, even if he is reasonable most of the time. I don’t know if again that’s just my perception of it though, because I am so unhappy.

What will you do purple? I selfishly wish he’d leave me, because were it not for the guilt around him and the dc id be gone. I actually feel as though in time the dc would be ok, but possibly dh not so much. I know I only get one life, but so does he and I don’t want to wreck it.

Your unhappiness matters, OP. It matters.

You seem determined not to hold him to account for anything.

I don’t feel it’s his fault. I don’t know that it’s mine either, exactly, but if it’s me ending things I guess it is by default.
I am unhappy. I have been unhappy for a really really long time, like baseline level of happiness is really low. I realise that relationships have ups and downs. We don’t fight. We never have. The dc would be shocked if we split up but I’m just really unhappy and I don’t even know why.

Because you married someone who isn't right for you, and had doubts even back then. Because you prefer it when you're living a separate life to the person you're supposed to love most in the world. Because he is the decision-maker in your life. Because you're still relatively young and are facing a loveless, sexless marriage for the rest of your life, pretending to be someone you're not for the sake of keeping the peace?

That would make anyone miserable.

Yes, all of that is true.
But what if I am the person he loves most - along with dc? It will make him so unhappy. He will feel as unhappy or more unhappy than I am now and I find that hard to inflict on someone.