What do I do? I’m so stuck.

[Gatheryourtarten]

Please some advice because I’ve been stuck for years now.
I’ve been married 18 years, since I was 20 and have three dc, primary aged. I’ve not been ‘happy’ ever really, I knew when I married it didn’t feel as it probably should but it felt impossible to back out of. I live a very separate life to dh, which is how I’ve managed so far, but lockdown number two is feeling harder than the first one.
We stopped having sex years ago and it’s never been great anyway. We’ve gone four or five years without it. Basically only having it to ttc. Dh says it’s not the most important thing in a relationship.
We don’t talk or seen to have similar values.

But we do have three dc.
And dh would be extremely upset.

I feel by staying im sacrificing myself but by leaving I’m sacrificing everyone else. My concern is that I cannot ‘act’ indefinitely, it is exhausting. I don’t hate dh, I don’t want to hurt him, but I cannot see anyway back from here. I have changed so much since I got married and I feel squashed and suffocated.
Is it a case of the grass is greener? The thought of spending time with him over lockdown and Christmas makes my heart beat faster and it feel like it’s hard to breathe. Understand it’s not his fault, it’s mine. It’s the pretending it’s all fine when I don’t feel fine. I don’t want him to touch me or make sleazy comments (which he does despite the lack of sex). I don’t want to make plans with him to do things.
I really wish I did because life would be easier if I could just check back in, or pretend forever but I’m concerned I can’t. The children should be enough for me to stay but I don’t know if they are.
Has this happened to anyone else? What did you do?

I completely get you about the power thing. I don’t know what to do, I agree that sometimes I wish H would leave so I didn’t have to make the decision or feel guilty. I stay hoping it will get better as it’s not terrible but it’s not great either. I feel I should be making more of an effort but feel like I can’t be bothered, as in the past I’ve tried and it hasn’t made any difference but don’t really want to carry on as things are. I don’t know if it’s lockdown making things worse.

You're not responsible for his happiness, and he doesn't love you - he loves the you that you pretend to be, the one moulded to his requirements.

People get over break-ups. All the time.

You're not the only person in the world who he could have a relationship with and be happy.

@Gatheryourtarten

That’s how it feels. But he says all the right things. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s the checking out.

My H says he loves me, says all the right things, seems like the perfect husband but I don’t feel his actions sometimes show this, he might say he loves me but it doesn’t feel like it sometimes. I do wonder if he really loves me or just likes the convenience of having a wife. Is this how you feel OP?

Yes purple that’s it exactly.
For example I wasn’t well a little while ago (not covid, I feel I need to say 😬) and I hadn’t slept and he made all the right noises but didn’t get up with the dc or give me a break. Went to golf. Expected dinner when he got back. I’m not usually unwell so I don’t need him to step up often but he did nothing despite making sympathetic noises.

Did you say anything to him about it?

No, I don’t expect any differently.
Most people would probably stay, it would be easier to stay and leaving is a risk.
My confidence and self esteem is rock bottom but that’s not his fault either.
We just don’t feel like a team and we never have, I don’t know how to repair something that’s always felt broken to me.

Do you say anything to your dh?

Op you deserve happiness. Everyone does. You however are not responsible for his happiness. Your DC will adjust. On some level, I'm certain your DC know you are unhappy. Your kids are young, how many years do you think you will sacrifice for everyone?.
In a few years you might be so deeply unhappy and resentful that you might feel completely stuck to do anything.
Your kids need a happy mum too.

@Gatheryourtarten

Yes purple that’s it exactly. For example I wasn’t well a little while ago (not covid, I feel I need to say 😬) and I hadn’t slept and he made all the right noises but didn’t get up with the dc or give me a break. Went to golf. Expected dinner when he got back. I’m not usually unwell so I don’t need him to step up often but he did nothing despite making sympathetic noises.

You're an appliance to him.

Don't you think your lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem could be down to living like this and being treated this way? You're afraid to be yourself, you don't feel you have equal say in your relationship. How can you blossom in such a situation? You're ill - he fucks off to golf. In a normal loving relationship, he wouldn't do that. It's not what you do to someone you value and care about.

it's very easy to say I love you. But love is an action. How does he show it?

"I was an adult though".

You were a young adult of 20 who had little to no real life experience behind you. By the age of 22 you were married to this man, he drove that. He was 32; he targeted you and deliberately because he saw in you someone he could go onto control. He has held the majority of the power and control here within this marriage and you have no real voice within it. You're there in his eyes to clean house, make dinner and mop up after the kids and be uncomplaining about it; you are but an appliance to him.

Keeping the peace here is a cost too far. Sacrificing your own happiness will do you no favours nor will doing so protect your children from the knowledge that your marriage is unhappy. They are not daft and they can and do pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken.

Do not use your children, him or anything else as a reason to stay within such a marriage. You bloody well matter even though you are not number 1 on your own priority list. Would you want your adult children to be in such a marriage; no you would not would you?.

And you are also wrong in one very important respect; most women in your situation here would leave. It would not be an instant process at all but they would find it within themselves to ultimately leave. You only get one shot at this life after all, why are you so determined not to hold him to account for anything?. No wonder your self worth and self esteem is on the floor; he partly put you there. Do not continue to grow flowers in the hole he has partially dug for you; dig your way out!. Your children will thank you also.

This is not a practice run and you are not guaranteed a tomorrow. If you are that unhappy and you know that staying will mean you are feeling like this for the foreseeable then you are mad to stay. The children will adjust and if you are happier, this will have a positive effect on them. Your husband will also learn to adjust and as someone else has said, it will give him the chance to meet someone who will be happy with him. Don't waste your life, when your kids have grown up they will understand that you had to do it. 💐💐

His happiness does not trump yours. I don't believe you are doing anybody any favours here, especially your DC. If you think about it, doesn't your DH also deserve to find someone who loves him? You are all stuck in a loveless home and somebody needs to take the first step to set you all free.

I honestly think my dh and dc would rather I stayed and pretended. What difference does it make to them? If they believe I’m happy and in love then to them it’s as good as if I am.
I’m just not sure I can pretend much longer.
I am last on my priority list.

Do you know why you are so unhappy? My situation doesn’t sound as bad as yours as I once was happy and in love but I haven’t felt really happy for years, I don’t know if that’s just the normal thing when you’ve been together 20 odd years and life and kids take over. The trouble is on paper I should have a perfect life compared to a lot of people but still feel like somethings missing, then I feel guilty for feeling like this. If I tell him the things that make me unhappy sometimes it might change for a bit but then it reverts back to usual. Or if I moan about something he gets all defensive so most of the time I don’t say anything but the resentment builds up and eats away at me, which I suppose isn’t his fault.

@Gatheryourtarten. I totally understand and really feel for you.
My marriage ended after 20 years and he was acting like an idiot, but we also had some great times.
2 years on, the DC are okay, but I am haunted by the tears and the pain from them and my STBEX. There were really upsetting scenes.
I'm not saying it is the wrong thing to do, but you will be (rightly or wrongly) overwhelmed at times by sadness and I still feel guilty about putting myself first. It ain't easy!
Make sure you have properly talked to him first. The grass isn't greener, it's just different.

I had exactly this - fortunately without DC. I left . I still feel guilty more than 30 years on, because my ExDH wasn't nasty or cruel he just was someone I should never have married. I met someone else and went on to have a proper marriage. I recommend you plan very carefully if, as you say he will soon hate you, get everything sorted before you say anything.

"I honestly think my dh and dc would rather I stayed and pretended".

No, they would not. They would want you be true to yourself than staying in a loveless relationship like you are for people like them. You would not want them to pretend like you are currently doing in their own adult relationships would you?. They certainly will not say "thanks mum" to you for doing that nor staying with him and could further accuse you of putting him before them. Do not let a loveless marriage become for them their norm too.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your parents relationship this unhappy and fraught also?.

I also doubt that your H would be upset if you were to leave him; he would be more like pissed off because he would lose his power and control here over you.

You should leave FOR your kids if anything. Think about the poor example of a relationship you're both setting them. Would you like your daughter to then end up in a similarly loveless miserable relationship? I'm happily married and in love but if my husband and I were to become unhappy in our marriage and weren't in love anymore then we would separate and Co parent amicable very much to give our daughter a healthy atmosphere to grow up in. I hope you find the strength to get your ducks in a row as they say on here. (and also, he's very much not an innocent party here given how he behaves when you're ill)...

Get some counseling to see what is the cause of your unhappiness and then look ahead.
Maybe counseling together before splitting to work out how to parent separately.
The grass is not always greener, but I think it might be in your case.

That’s my worry weetabix will I be able to live with myself?
My children are so happy and cheerful. I normally protect them from anything difficult or unpleasant happening as much as I can - this feels like actively choosing difficult and unpleasant.

There isn’t much care in my marriage, that’s what isn’t lacking. I do my thing and he does his. When he’s off on holiday he stays in bed in the mornings and I continue to get up wih the children. I only work three days a week so he works more hours and earns a lot more money but I do everything re the children and the house. My job is demanding but because it doesn’t pay as well as his it is much less important I think, in his eyes.

You’re a domestic appliance mate.

That’s all

He’ll be pissed off if you go. Like you would if the fridge broke. But not actually sad.

What would you say to one of your children in the future if they were grown up and in your position? Would you tell them to stay no matter the cost to their happiness? I very much doubt it.
Living as you are is teaching your kids that this is ok, it's normal. Do you want to teach them that this is what relationships should look like? If not, you need to make the break, as much for their sake as for yours. You can go on to model to them what happiness and relationships should look like.

There's no hurry, get your ducks in a row, get copies of all financial information before you say anything as you would be amazed how quickly money disappears. But please don't waste more years of your and your kids' lives this way.

Yes it might hurt your DH, but it will probably suprise you how quickly he moves on. Even if he does struggle though, that is a sacrifice I would make for my kids' future happiness any day.

Hi OP - I agree with many PPs, especially @AttilaTheMeerkat and @category12. He chose to target a very young woman when he was already substantially into adulthood. That’s on him.

I remember a family friend who, at 32, had paired up with a teenager saying that, at 32, he felt well able to conclude that she was the right partner for him. I remember wondering at the time how she was supposed to know he was the right partner for her given that she was still so young. Their marriage broke down after a few years.

You are entitled to be happy as well and remember that what you do now is a model of family life for your children.