He turned his Instagram "Activity Status" off

[ParanoidOrDetective]

I know this may be petty, but here goes..

Little back history.. been together nearly 3 years. I'm pregnant with our first DC, due in March.
I am quite an untrusting/anxious/paranoid person in a relationship due to literally all my exes being cheating scumbags. It's turned me into someone who is always proactively on the look our for red flags. I know it's no way to live and it can be mentally exhausting.

DP has never previously given me any reason to doubt him or suspect any wrong doing.

However, recently, within the last couple of months - he has turned off his "activity status" on Instagram. Off all the friends I have on Instagram, only a small handful have turned this function off. I can no longer see when he is online on Instagram or when he was last online.

I don't understand why he would choose to turn this function off? He has not turned the function off on Facebook or WhatsApp, so it can't be that he's bothered about people being able to see when he's online on all platforms - he's only hiding when he is on Instagram.

When we got together, he had deleted all his ex girlfriends pics from his Instagram account, but he had accidentally left her tagged in some generic landscape pics so I was able to view her profile. At the time we got together, her profile was deactivated. I know it's crazy, but I search her every so often, and low and behold, over the past month or so, her Instagram account has been reactivated. Neither he or her follow each other, but I know you don't have to follow each other to be able to privately message each other.

I spoke to a friend yesterday and she said it's probably a coincidence, and not to think too much into him turning off his "activity status", although she couldn't think of any real reason why he would suddenly turn it off - best reason she could come up with is that he uses Instagram for wank material?!

What do you think? Is this a red flag or have I finally lost the plot?
Do I ask him.. "I noticed you turned your activity status off on Instagram.. how comes?", or will this just cause an argument because he'll be pissed I'm checking up on him?

I think you’re seriously overthinking things...

My activity status is turned off and everyone I know has also turned it off. I didn’t like the thought of people knowing when I was online incase they thought I was purposely ignoring them etc, also found it intrusive. He possibly had no idea the function existed until he read about it somewhere or someone told him and he decided he didn’t like it so turned it off. Instagram doesn’t make this function clear at all, I’ve used it for years and it was something they suddenly added a year or so ago but didn’t tell anyone.

Anyway, my point is you’re looking for problems which don’t exist. It may be worth seeking therapy, you obviously have lots of deep-seated issues relating to your former relationships. You will push him away if you keep this up. Block his ex so you’re not tempted to search for her.

I think it depends what his like in general. If myDP done that I would know why... it would be so that I couldn't see when he was online because I would be irritated if he was finding time to scroll while at work or looking after DC.

If you sense he is talking to his ex, there must be more to it because I would never consider my DP to be in contact with his. And I am really paranoid ... and he is a liar!

well i didnt know there was an activity status on instagram so ive just went and turned it off - i hate people knowing when im online so ive done similar on fb years ago and whatsapp

Just turned mine off too, didn't know I could.

You really need to stop searching the ex.

I'm not sure , it could be a warning sign but like pp I switch anything off that shows I'm online. Honestly in the past I've had some quite needy people on my life who would practically track me and get offended if I didn't reply. (It caused an issue if I was online for work reasons as I ran one groups social media) is it possible someone (as in a friend ) is becoming a pain?

The ex girlfriend thing could genuinely be a coincidence, I haven't got a scoobies if exdh is on social media or when he posts things. It is entirely possible he could post something or be available at the same time as I am and I would have no idea.

I'd ask him. I suppose if its innocent why would it cause a row. If DP asked me I would just say "oh x y z is being a pain and I don't want them to se me online" I would only get angry if I had something to hide.

I have anxiety, and in the past I looked at exactly the kind of things you did - whether they were online, following a certain someone, whether the certain someone was online when DP was on their phone at home ..

.. but I recognised that it was MY problem, and that DP had never done anything to make me feel that way, in fact it was my previous partner who was to blame, thanks to 6 years of emotional abuse.

I turned off my Active statuses on Facebook and WhatsApp, as doing so means that you can't see theirs, either. It was the best thing I ever did, as I was just winding myself up with it.

Another reason for doing this, which you don't seem to have thought of, is that he's avoiding talking to someone. If you get a message off someone, and they see you've been active several times and still not opened it, it can cause problems. Whereas if you turn it off, they can't see if you're active or not. I'm not saying this IS the reason, just that there ARE other reasons.

My WhatsApp one also turned itself back on after an update, so perhaps his turned itself off. He might not even have done it, and you're sitting there questioning your whole life over it.

OP we are so similar. I am in therapy for this. It's now a form of self sabotage and you are struggling to deal with uncertainty. If you continue it'll get worse and the relationship will implode, whether or not he's cheating/doing something untoward.

Was his ex the love of his life or just an ex? Why did they end?
We're in the middle of lockdown, EVERYONE is on instagram a lot more because WHAT ELSE. Maybe she just wanted insta back? Are you sure it was deactivated?

Activity status and them messaging each other have 0 alignment. That's not to say he isn't messaging her, but that the activity status is irrelevant.
DP turns his off, he hasn't used Insta in weeks (I know this because we have family sharing on icloud so can see each other's activity - not purposeful but I have realised we can see and just looked.) I have been on for HOURS every day. So unhealthy. Anyway, I should turn mine off so people don't see how obsessed and addicted to the app I am.

Most my friends have theirs off.

Have you ever told him that he's on his phone too much? Could he be avoiding someone? Lots of good reasons that he might have turned it off.

May sound unsympathetic but it’s time to grow up. I get you have issues with others, but he has done nothing this time.

Carry on as you are and you will lose him, is that what you want?

You have to learn to trust to have a successful relationship, you are reading far to much into this

Could it be because of work - that May or may not be why mines off. I don't want my boss seeing I'm constantly on insta when I should be working.

I'm definitely an overtime too, but you're worrying too much

I turned mine off soo people don't expect an instant reply if they see me online

I’ve heard with WFH some managers are watching your social media activity.. could it be that?

I only recently got instagram. Just been through my settings and turned everything possible off. Why wouldn't you?

@beautybibleholder
Was his ex the love of his life or just an ex? Why did they end?
We're in the middle of lockdown, EVERYONE is on instagram a lot more because WHAT ELSE. Maybe she just wanted insta back? Are you sure it was deactivated?

I don't know a great deal about her. As a rule, DP doesn't like to discuss exes. She is a lot younger than we are, probably around 10 years younger. They were together for around 8 months in 2017. I'm not sure why it ended, but DP did say she was obsessed with his ex-girlfriend before her (the irony!).

When me and DP got together, her Instagram account was initially active (but private) and they weren't following each other. A few months into our relationship and she deactivated her Instagram account. Suddenly, as of a month or so ago, her Instagram account is active again (still private and neither of them are following each other) and DP has turned his activity status off.

@TicTacTwo
Have you ever told him that he's on his phone too much? Could he be avoiding someone? Lots of good reasons that he might have turned it off.

He does spend a lot of time on his phone when he is at home with me. I have pointed this out to him numerous times. Doesn't make sense for this to be the reason for him to turn his activity status off though as turning it off doesn't alter the amount of time he is sat there glued to his phone. Also, he hasn't turned his activity status off on Facebook or WhatsApp.

Avoiding someone... I'm not sure. It's not his style. He would either just delete/block someone if he was having issues with them. He also would be bothered if people can see when he had last been online. If he's busy and doesn't have a chance to reply right away, he wouldn't worry about it looking like he is ignoring them. He'd just get back to them when he is free. So I just don't understand why he's turned it off.

@MadDoggoLady
@Sweetchillichicken

No, he doesn't work in an office and he doesn't work from home. He does get a lot of downtime in his line of work, and there is no issue with staff looking at social media etc during this downtime whilst they are awaiting a call out.

Probably done it because he knows what you're like. He doesn't want you to say things like "why are you always on Instagram". You need to try and chill as you don't want to lose a good one!

If I thought my partner was monitoring my online activity I'd make sure all those type of settings were off (and also reconsider the relationship).

@nolovelost

Probably done it because he knows what you're like. He doesn't want you to say things like "why are you always on Instagram". You need to try and chill as you don't want to lose a good one!

Yep. If you've moaned about him being on it too much, then him turning the activity thing of makes perfect sense. I'd do the same. I hate being 'checked up on'.

I think you need to take a step back and leave this be OP. He's in a no win situation here. I'd put money on it that either (given you have been looking enough at when he is online) he's going to be inundated with questions about who he is talking to, what he's doing, why is he online etc or the relationship will have tension because you're stewing on all of the above. Alternatively, he turns it off and that's considered suspicious. Either way his actions can be read in a negative way.

I've got it turned off many things and didn't realise Instagram had that option too so I'll be going to change my settings now.

Could be as simple as a mate mentioning the activity off function and your dp realising it existed and deciding to use it. (That's how I realised facebook had the private setting and it wasn't the default.)

The fact that you jumped to checking up on his ex (again) and then jumped to the idea they might be private messaging are huge leaps of either paranoia or insecurity.

If such minor day to day normal activities cause such imaginative jumping to conclusions, perhaps you should consider counselling because it is no way to live.

I am quite an untrusting/anxious/paranoid person in a relationship due to literally all my exes being cheating scumbags

Don’t make him pay for the actions of others. He may not stick around if you do... I certainly wouldn’t.

If you can't trust anyone then you should be single.

You need to stop looking up his x and trying to monitor him online, this isn’t healthy.
Every time you want to just do something else and think about something else.

It may be something to worry about, or it may not be. But monitoring his usage of social media to this extent isn't healthy for you, your relationship or your future together. It's also unfair to hold other people's actions against him when he hasn't done anything wrong (as far as you're aware). I would be very upset and hurt if I found out my dh was snooping on my social media activity and building some kind of case against me when I'd done nothing wrong.

Speak to him if you're really concerned. You also need to get some kind of therapy, or find a way to work through your trust issues because you're never going to have a successful relationship whilst you suspect every partner of cheating on you.