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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just found messages

81 replies

Valleygirl27 · 06/11/2020 06:16

Fuck. I see it so often on here and honestly didn't think it would have been me! The last couple of days I've had this weird insecure feeling, have had it randomly the last few months. I've never been the type to snoop but tonight I noticed a girls name on his whatsapp recent messages when he opened it beside me. I hadn't ever heard him mention this girl so I looked on his facebool friends list and it became clear it's an ex of his.
He got drunk (he's an alcoholic) and passed out so I checked his messages, at first was upset to see messages where he was saying how much he missed her etc, however these messages dated back to earlier in the year when we had a bit of a break during lockdown, but there was one today (she messaged him first asking how he was and he replied with a picture of himself saying he'd just had his hair cut, he then asked for a picture of her saying 'wanna see your face'.

I was preparing myself to talk to him in the morning and see what he had to say for himself but decided to delve deeper and found countless other messages, mainly starting when we had our break but some continuing after we made up. There was also a recent one to one of his female friends saying that he loved her and wanted her, that was just back in august just after we'd come back from a holiday together. I know the messages were all sent when he was drunk (he had messages the next day for each one apologising and saying how rough he felt) but i don't fucking care, it's no excuse. He's a functioning alcoholic so if this is what he does drunk then it's just gonna continue.

I've packed up all my things and left. He was passed out so didn't even notice the noise when I was taking away the drum kit and fucking furniture I bought (am I fuck leaving anything for him). I screenshotted all the messages so I have them. Was very tempted to send the girls something, notbing blaming them but just sending the screenshots of all the other messages that he was sending at the same time. Decided not to because I want to hold my head up high (i did hide the tv and playstation remotes behind the sofa though!).

Sorry this is all a bit of a rant but I have been up all night and am currently sitting in a flat I bought and have been renovating, literally sitting in the dog's bed because there's nothing else here, and just needed to vent and speak to someone. Hoping there's mumsnetters up at this time.

OP posts:
Nc135 · 06/11/2020 06:21

Sending Flowers. You did the right thing. And how lucky you have your own flat that you can now focus on renovating. Sending best wishes and excitement for the future.

lemorella · 06/11/2020 06:22

Hopefully someone else will be along soon. With some better advice but good on you for respecting yourself and leaving.

No you should not put up with his shit just because he's a functioning alcoholic. You can do so so so much better.

Bessica1970 · 06/11/2020 06:25

Well done for being strong. You don’t need to lob, because you’ve already done it! Look at this as the first day of u your exciting new life Flowers

Joistlooking · 06/11/2020 06:26

Don't want to read and run. Stay strong there are much better men in the world. You will be happy again, there are do many inspiring stories on MN of women who have come out of an abusive/unhappy relationship and found peace and happiness. Flowers

Bessica1970 · 06/11/2020 06:26

Should have said ltb not lob Hmm

Valleygirl27 · 06/11/2020 06:28

Thanks so much. It's actually a relief in some ways. I loved him so much but he has some awful shit going on in his life and I thought so many times about whether or not to stay because it was really hard being there for that but I hoped he'd get through it all. This has made it so much easier to walk, literally as soon as I saw the messages to other girls then I stopped being upset and just felt like, 'shit, that's me done then'.

OP posts:
litterbird · 06/11/2020 06:32

So sorry to read this. How awful he is and being an alcoholic I will tell you now you have had a great escape from this type of person. Glad you took the drum kit, now learn to play the drums. I did at the age of 53, best thing I did to get over a long term relationship. As you have got back together in the past I worry that you will do this again. Are you totally through? If so just move on and block the rantings when he wakes from his drunken stupor.

CodenameVillanelle · 06/11/2020 06:33

Well done for taking such decisive action! You've been very kind to yourself here. I know it's shit but you'll be ok, you'll be better in the end.

Valleygirl27 · 06/11/2020 06:33

In the past when we got back together it was over an argument about his drinking. I didn't have any idea about any of this going on and if I did then there was no way I'd have gone back. I'm definitely not going back knowing the things he's done and said.

OP posts:
Nc135 · 06/11/2020 06:44

Now focus on you. Your flat. The renovation. Things you want to do with your life. Life is short. Far too short to be with a man who is pandering after somebody else. Let him go to her. Good luck to him and her.

Valleygirl27 · 06/11/2020 06:46

That's the thing he's not, it's multiple. If it was just one I think I'd have felt worse, like it was something wrong with me, but he's been messaging loads of them at the same time saying the same shit.

OP posts:
YerAWizardHarry01 · 06/11/2020 06:49

Well done for being so strong and decisive. You deserve this fresh start it can't have been easy.

Nc135 · 06/11/2020 06:50

Ahhh I didn’t get that. Just re-reading back. I thought when you said he wrote to a female friend it was about his ex. Saying he loved his ex. But he was writing he loved his female friend. Omg. That is indeed sad for him. I would feel very sad for him and enjoy your new life. Hooray you found the messages so you can move on.

Valleygirl27 · 06/11/2020 06:51

I'm kind of terrified. I'd just moved here to be with him after our break before so have only been here a few months and don't know anyone else.

OP posts:
Nc135 · 06/11/2020 06:53

Yep it is totally understandable to feel terrified. But do try and think of it as a lucky escape OP. More terrifying to stay in that situation frankly. You have a good head on your shoulders to move there and buy your own flat. Are you working there?

pincertoe · 06/11/2020 06:55

You did the right thing. So lucky you had somewhere to go to so you didn't have stay and listen to his pathetic excuses. You are worth much more and you know it.

On wards and upwards x

Codexdivinchi · 06/11/2020 06:57

It’s shit OP hope your ok.

I found messages years ago where ex had been messaging other girls on his facebook asking how they were and were they seeing someone.

I was pregnant at the time and allowed myself to convinced it was just friendly chatter.

I should have left then instead of seven years later.

Some people are just untrustworthy mother fuckers. They never learn either.

Indoctro · 06/11/2020 07:01

As hard as it might feel now , in one year you will look back and think thank god you left.

You will be way happier without him in your life.

Lobelia123 · 06/11/2020 07:01

I love the fact that you love yourself enough not to short change yourself and settle for being treated like this. I know that its really painful and hard, but you are absolutely doing the right thing. Sending lots of hugs xxx

cravingthelook · 06/11/2020 07:16

Go you! No messing just gone. Tell us how it goes in your flat, hope you get a bed today for a good sleep tonight.

Valleygirl27 · 06/11/2020 07:54

Thanks for the support. I have a job up here so about to get ready and go into work which will hopefully keep my mind occupied at least. I feel strong right now but I don't want it to waver. I'm 33, I want to meet someone I can have kids and a life with, I'm not doing that with him.

OP posts:
Valleygirl27 · 06/11/2020 07:58

It was at least 5 or 6 girls- his friend, his ex, girls he met on Tinder around the same time as meeting me, girls he met in bars. Thing is all the messages coincide with specific days relating to really difficult stuff going on for him, he's then got steaming drunk (as he does) and then the messages go. Usually when the things happen I'm there to support him but on each of these occassions it was when I was away for one reason or another. I know it's for validation and it just makes me pity him that he's so weak and pathetic that he needs that. But I'll be fucked if I'm letting myself feel like shit for his behaviour or and no way will I allow myself to hang around and be treated like that.

OP posts:
CorianderLord · 06/11/2020 08:04

You've showed real strength walking out OP. It's what I pray a lot of women on MN would do.

It was decisive, proud and strong. Well bloody done!

You don't need an alcoholic cheat dragging you down.

TaintForTheLikesOfWe · 06/11/2020 08:12

Codexdivinchi Holy crap what?

TiggerDatter · 06/11/2020 08:14

Excellent that you hid the remote controls OP! You’ve absolutely done the right thing, this guy is a mess with nothing to offer. You, on the other hand, are awesome