Boyfriend claims I'm his girlfriend now - no real talk of it?

[driventodistractionk]

(25F) (34M). So I’ve been seeing this guy for around 6/7 months. All things have been going well, we get a long really well, I know his friends etc. All signs of a serious relationship. For a few months I was unsure of what we were as he never asked me to be his girlfriend. We had the talk a few times. He had a few concerns regarding some things or lack of in common. He said he wanted to only make a decision after his exams (they have just finished). We haven’t talked about until briefly tonight. Okay, I was under that impression; we aren’t official yet. Tonight I mentioned that I wasn’t sure about us continuing to have sex without a ‘label’ as it seems casual. He said we don’t have to have sex (he’s quite traditional) and then he said ‘what? You are my girlfriend’ ‘I thought we’ve known that since we’ve been dating’. Now I’m confused. I said ‘well if you introduced me to a friend of yours, do you say I’m your girlfriend?’ And he said yes. While months ago when I met his friends, he didn’t say that but I’m confused. Advice?

TL;DR I thought this guy and I wasn’t official. We have been dating for over 6 months. Then claimed I am his girlfriend.

Stop this now.

If you are looking for a proper Christian man to marry, stop having sex with men hoping to become their 'girlfriend'. 'Girlfriend' isn't a destination, it's part of the route. As a traditional Christian 'boyfriend and girlfriend' you do not have sex outside marriage. You should be living with your parents or respectable members of the community. Your reputation, if not your hymen, should be intact. The boyfriend should propose marriage and speak to your parents. You don't get into having sex with him and hope the rest will follow. You wait for the title 'wife' before you have sex.

So, now, what are you going to do? You are giving him sex for nothing, which would be fine if you were not hoping for a traditional relationship to follow. Adults have sex. Christian adults don't have sex outside marriage. (Yes, we know they do. Lots of them. But not 'traditional' ones.)

I advise you to end this relationship. You could end the sexual relationship until he has made proper arrangements for your future together (key word, 'wife') but he will probably end the relationship if you turn off the sex.

Do not be the sad woman hoping to be a 'girlfriend'. Do not be the arrogant woman crying 'I don't need a piece of paper' and 20 years down the line find yourself with six children, no husband and no rights. Be a sensible woman. Identify what you want and how you are going to get it. This man is probably not the one.

Oh no, its you again!

The worshipper of the boyfriend in MED SCHOOL. Did everyone hear?? He is in MED SCHOOL.

Seriously. He isnt your meal ticket. Take the med school out of the equasion and stop being so blinded by this. Concentrate on getting some self esteem and building a life or your own and earning your own money. The right man will come along and worship you. When men are interested, you will have no doubts about where the relationship is and if youre together.

You come across as so unbelievably desperate to cling on to this person who is not particularly interested in you.
He will never commit
He will never marry you
He doesnt even seem bothered

All because he is in med school you are putting up with this. I suspect you have told your mother / friends you are dating a DOCTOR and are being put under pressure to 'lock him down' because WOW he is a DOCTOR.

Plenty of people earn a lot more than doctors, fyi. I suggest you become someone to be proud of, rather than blindly chasing a man of """"status""""". You can have a decent job, and make something of yourself, that is an option.

I remember your other thread. You are wasting your life waiting for this man. He clearly will never marry you.

My advice is the same as it was last time - he’s not that bothered about you. Leave him.
Never stay with anyone if you have to make excuses for their poor behaviour.

From memory, he's very "traditional" and is not sure you are sufficiently "traditional" to marry and have a family with. Most likely because you had sex with him. Now he is referring to you as his girlfriend except again, from memory, I am pretty sure that after his (very important) exams, you were going to discuss whether or not you have a future and can be married and have children together.

Agree with a PP - "traditional" christian people do not have sex before marriage. The hypocritical traditional christian types DO have sex before marriage, but not with the woman they plan to marry. that person they will treat like a queen, court her traditionally, engage with her family and absolutely save sex for marriage. He's not going to marry you. He's not going to have children with you (also, if he's traditional and christian and from Africa I'm not convinced that he'll get pats the cultural issues, no matter how "westernised" he is.).

move on. Stop posting threads about a man who clearly does not respect you.

I'm normally kinder to posters. But this is ridiculous.

Driven
I know you're getting a bit of a rough ride here today, but it's only because we recognise your post from about 4-6 weeks ago. Your situation is very sad and we're trying to give you a bit of tough love for your own sake.

You need to decide what you want, not what this man is willing to give you. If you're happy to continuing on a casual basis, then great. But I'm really not sure why you're so hung up on the word 'girlfriend'. To be 'girlfriend', 'boyfriend' means casual, means you've been seeing each other regularly over some months, have meet each others friends, maybe even family. Could be having sex, or not. Are you meaning a relationship where longer term commitments are discussed - in fact do you mean 'fiancee' as in engaged to be married. Now that's something you would discuss. If a guy called me his girlfriend I wouldn't necessarily bat an eyelid, if I'd been seeing him for 6 months or so.

If you're looking for a greater commitment from this man, you're in for a big disappointment. If he's a 'traditional christian' and you've been having sex, you've broken the cardinal rule of 'no sex before marriage' and you're soiled goods in his eyes. A nice person to spend time with, yes. Even introduce to friends and call you girlfriend, but both he and they will never think of you as 'marriage material'. Yes, he's also broken the rule - but hey he's a man and has needs and anyway the rules don't apply to him.

If your happy to spend time with him and enjoy his company that's grand, but don't read anything into the 'girlfriend' label and don't expect to be promoted to 'fiancee' or 'wife'. If that's what you're looking for, time to move on. You seem a nice person, a little naive and inexperienced in the relationship stakes, so please make the best decision you can and leave this man.

Seriously there's nothing to be confused about - you're a girl, you're a friend, you have sex.

Start, middle and end

I remember your last post op . But you didn’t listen because you want a different answer . Unfortunately this relationship is going nowhere . I think it will just take a while for you to catch on to it .

Like others, I posted on your last thread. This man is stringing you along.

There's only so many times people can give the same advice.

Practical advice from me would be counselling for self esteem and to see this relationship for what it is . Good luck op - you deserve much better .

This is really sad. You're pinning your hopes on a flake who might or might not become a doctor? You are SO young. Make your own life, get your own good career going, don't pin it on a man who it sounds like is stringing you along for sex (going by other, wiser posters who remember you), won't marry you and probably just sees you as 'easy' (sorry, I hate that term, but it seems apt) for the time being. If he was that 'traditional' he'd be down on one knee before shagging you. That's not happened, has it? Just a casual, oh you're my girlfriend now, didn't you know? Jesus, how come he gets to decide unilaterally? Don't be so passive. And for God's sake, do NOT get pregnant by him. Get your own career and money together while you can and stop wasting precious years on him, or anyone similar. I'm twice your and I wish someone had said this to me, bluntly, at your age.

If someone hadn't confirmed your relationship status within 2...maybe 3 months tops, they are dicking you about.

He has only changed his tune now because you threatened to take sex off the table.

Tell him you want to meet his family (and see if introduces you as his gf). 8 months is a little early but still fine to meet them. You need to see if he is bullshitting you or not.

@Bunnymumy his parents know about me, my name etc, however, unfortunately, they Iive in another state and cannot see them due to covid. I'm thinking I could suggest him meeting my mother and see how that pans out.

Hmm... better if its ppl from his life.
I mean I guess reluctance to meet her might show you something. But really you need to see that he will introduce you to ppl in his life as his gf. His friends maybe? Making it fb official perhaps?

This sounds excruciating. If this lasts (which I doubt - he seems to be paying the barest of lip service to what you want to hear in order to maintain the status quo), I suspect you can look forward to some of these MN classics:

• My BF wants me to move in, but doesn't want me on the tenancy
• My BF wants us to buy a place together and for me to pay rent, but he won't put me on the deeds/mortgage
• He says he wants to get married and has agreed to propose
• He says it's down to him to propose, btw now I'm pregnant (I'm still not on the deeds)
• I gave him an ultimatum and he proposed but we can't tell anyone / there's no ring
• We've been engaged for X years and he won't set a date. BTW I've not got 3 children, gave up my career and am still not on the deeds

Okay I'm over-egging things for dramatic effect , but you get the idea: if he can't commit to the word girlfriend (even if you both agree it's early days), he's going to be excruciating when it comes to things that matter a great deal more.

OP do you really think the dynamic of your relationship is anywhere near healthy?!

Good point SpongeWorthy - very good question.

I seriously think you're wasting your mother's time if you want her to meet him. And do to COVID regulations they can't meet anyway possibly for months.

I know Africa is a big continent but... I know a lot of people from Africa (mostly Western African countries but also I have a good friend from Kenya). I lived in west Africa for a bit as well. My sons father is also African Christian. While there are a LOT of cultural differences to navigate, I don’t think being wierd about relationship status is one of them. In my experience as well (and of course it’s limited) a lot of my female friends were in relationships before getting married and it wasn’t a particular issue despite being Christian - there is flexibility although of course women are judged more on their sexual behavior than men are, but that’s the same everywhere). What I am trying to say I should that I think odds on he is using the cultural/traditional excuse to treat you like shit. I also think that basically auditioning you to be his girlfriend is rubbish, manipulative behaviour. A man you are dating should, in the early stages, be very eager to be with you and should be chasing you And trying to prove himself to you. Actually, if anything, I would say that’s more of a thing culturally in WA than in the West. But you are better than this

Apologies by the way if anyone is from the areas I mentioned and wants to contradict me. I also know that there will be areas that are different to this, but this is based on my experience (and I mentioned different areas/countries on the chance they coincided with where your BF is from as You just said Africa)

By the way though my ex wasn’t perfect by any means we were calling each other girlfriend and boyfriend within a month and he introduced me to his friends as such. I suspect that you allowing yourself to be treated poorly will have made him respect you less, but that’s true of most men all over the world.

@Aposterhasnoname
I feel old, too. Are you supposed to have a contract drawn up? Does 'boyfriend' imply legal status and obligations like sending flowers?
Thank god I'm past it!

@katy1213 to me being boyfriend and girlfriend implies exclusivity. If he is keeping her wondering what their exact status is that suggests to me he is ensuring that she is exclusive to him but allowing himself to keep his options open/sleep around and justify it because “I never said we were official”

BuggersMuddle
Not over egging it at all.

The next classics will be:

• I've realised marriage is just a piece of paper and we have children together, which is a much bigger commitment
• He says he'd give me half the house in a split / me and DC can live in the house and he will move out if we split because he can afford it / variations of he is a decent man so in a split I'll be taken care of
• the relationship isn't going well and we're about to split up and it turns out I'm actually up shit creek

@LolaSmiles it will be “I’m 40 and I just found out my 49 yr old boyfriend has been having an affair with a 24 yr old med student. He says it is my fault for letting myself go (I admit I did find it hard to get back into shape after our fourth child). I can’t kick him out because I, scared it’s too late for me to meet someone else and I don’t want to be alone in my old age”.
Sorry if that sounds harsh op but honestly, this is your future.

Please tell me his name doesn’t begin with an S and only have four letters.

Or six letters beginning with a J.

Seriously DD is a HCP, all her friends are the same. The number of junior doctors playing this shit is astounding.