RELATIONSHIPY Aibu

[Gilda152]

My DH works away two days a week so is currently away. We are 95% happy - he has a short temper and ANY discussion about feelings always gets turned around to him losing his shit then we make up etc etc. Don't want to hear I'm being abused. I'm not. He's a short tempered knob at times but I'm not abused.

Anyway. I sent a zoom invite out earlier to him and my siblings, to discuss my father's house - dad passed with Covid in April, mum already passed a few years ago.

Zoom starts at 8, all present and correct except for him. My phone had died, when I charged it there was a message from him asking if I was zooming. Replied yes I had been and he should have been there too. Starts off ranting I should have answered phone etc to which I said AS YOU KNOW I was already on zoom(phone was dead anyway)., was genuinely looking forward to seeing his face so emotions are heightened. He's just giving me loads of shit angry messages now whereas to my mind he could just have joined the zoom like everyone else? For once, I've ignored his messages and I can't be arsed, I'm actually really cross. Am I being unreasonable for thinking just join the zoom like a normal person and don't start kicking off when I'm perturbed you didn't? We all get on there's no animosity so why he didn't I don't know but I'm fucked off that he wasnt there with me, even remotely. I've drawn a line in my head on this one. Sick of having my feelings negated by his angry outburst, making iit all about him as usual. Does anyone get it?

It’s really must be hard than any discussion about feelings results in anger from him. Does he recognise that’s an issue or does he think how he deals with things is ok?

I can’t see how you can have a settled or healthy relationship without some ability to talk about feelings. We all get angry/annoyed but if this is all the time how does anything ever get resolved?

Can I ask why you asked not to be told he is abusive? Have other people suggested that before?

You say this isn’t abuse but what is it? It’s not a normal healthy way for a partner to behave to have angry outbursts at all manner of things.

Is the relationship good in other ways?
Has he always been like this?
What’s good about him?
Does he make you happy?

I think you need to decide whether you can continue on like this. At the least he needs to admit he has anger issues and look at therapy and ways to control his anger. If he won’t engage with this then you either put up with this behaviour or separate.

Because I think the word is given out very flippantly on here, as if people are robots instead of sentient beings who struggle to do the right thing always. There are massively abusive people out there and I have been actively abused before by another person (not a partner or family member) . Far from feeling abused by him, I pity his angry outbursts as I know it shows a lack of security in himself and a childish handle on adult emotions - not sexy - but I've never felt even slightly intimidated by him, more embarrassed for him.

However on this, I'm just bored of my grievances turning into a reason for him to berate me. Quite frankly he can fuck off, in this moment.

Sorry for your loss, OP - sounds like you’ve had a tough few years.

I agree the normal thing would just have been to get on the Zoom rather than require an additional confirmation that it was going ahead before joining. But perhaps not everyone would.

For me the bigger question is why he couldn’t just apologise for not joining. Why did he have to be so confrontational about it? After all, we all make mistakes. He made a mistake not joining. But that doesn’t have to be a big deal if he just says sorry instead of fighting with you about it.

fingers crossed he has admitted he has anger problems. He works in a very responsible job and he sometimes has flare ups with staff there as well as me which I just find a bit pathetic really. He's defensive and there is just no need. He has said previously he'd look at help but it never happens. I think his fiestyness is a big part of his character and he might feel a bit lost without it, maybe that's what scary. Don't want to psychoanalyse him though - he's being a prick. Plain and simple

dery exactly yes that's what I thought too - an apology would be the normal way to go

Being feisty is one thing but regular angry outbursts is more than that at home and at work.
It is causing problems in your marriage and potential problems for him at work too if someone makes a complaint.
You need to tell him how much it effects you and that he needs to get help. No excuses.

I can understand why you are so annoyed. It must be tiring being in a relationship with someone like that. I imagine there must always be an issue or something to argue about.

It’s a pity he’s done it when it was something you probably needed support with.

It’s understandable that everyone has different personalities and issues but it’s he’s not actively doing anything about his anger he’s not taking responsibility for it.

I admit l am an irritable person but that’s a whole new level. You told him what you were doing

Right EL8888.? If anyone has the monopoly on being annoyed it's me isn't it

@Gilda152 exactly. In that situation l can see more why you would be annoyed!

Short answer: No, you're not unreasonable. I don't think these answers will help you much though if we're not allowed to say the truth. Not being allowed to discuss your emotions without you husband raging is not normal.

Ok, so he's not abusive and you don't consider youself abused.

If that is the case, this should be a fairly straightforward thing to sort. Here's your reply, yes?

'Right. You can fucking stop RIGHT THERE with your usual tide of nasty angry nonsense. I am telling you this one time ONLY. I am ALMOST DONE WITH YOU. You have absolutely no right to speak to me like this and I've reached the end of humouring you and putting up with it. SHUT UP. Have some respect. Get to a fuckign therapist and manage that anger problem or you are going to end up divorced. Do not even reply to this unless it is with a big fucking apology or I will be calling a solicitor today. Do not underestimate just how much your twatty behaviour has utterly worn my patience to a thread here. This is really gonig to be your only warning. Life without this shit, right now, is looking very, very appealing.'

So would you send that? If you're the strong, in charge person you're painting here, who pities him, who is 'embarrassed' for him and 'bored' of him, then there's absolutely no reason you would not simply shut this crap down with some very strong words, all of which are fair, true, and thoroughly deserved.

If you won't send that, ask yourself what's stopping you. If it's his reaction, the shit that would go down afterwards, the fallout, the other stuff he'd then start doing to make your life difficult, then no - you are not 'bored' or 'embarrassed' - you are indeed being abused by him.

yoni I'd totally send that. I've moved past the stage of wanting to help him address why he hadn't got a handle on his emotions. I love him and would miss him stupid amounts if we split but I also am not up for this bullshit for the rest of my life.

It would be ultimatum time for me, because there is no way I'd be living as this arsehole's emotional punching bag.

His rages and tirades stop now or it's over.

Seriously I’d not send that text it’s so dramatic and full of shit, he knows you’re not leaving.

Just ignore him ans then when he responds say “when you care to apologise I’ll listen but I’ve had it with this shit, and in future just dial in on zoom like a normal person”

Yes bluntness agreed. I wouldn't send that text word for word but I think the intimation was that if I wouldn't stand up for myself I am in fact an abused victim, but I'm not and I would give it back if needed.

@Gilda152

yoni I'd totally send that. I've moved past the stage of wanting to help him address why he hadn't got a handle on his emotions. I love him and would miss him stupid amounts if we split but I also am not up for this bullshit for the rest of my life.

Then send it, or a version of it. Send him an ANGRY text. Instead of rolling eyes, ignoring, following the 'here we go again' route which he knows oh so well and is basically a green light for this to be yet another outburst which you basically weather - blow your stack. Get as fucking angry and furious and attacking as he does and let him feel that.

That's if you mean it of course. I note Bluntness is doing the usual too cool for school routine above - that's exactly the problem that you have, the way I see it. He knows you hate it. He knows you're upset. And he doesn't give a shit about any lukewarm 'Oh I won't listen to you until you apologise' nonsense. How about, I won't listen to you at all, ever, because I am beginning to genuinely hate you and not want you in my life?

I mean 'dramatic and full of shit' (lol!) - yes whatevs. You'd obviously write the text the way YOU felt it in your words. The point is, if you consider yourself not abused, and perfectly able to direct the way you wish your life to go, you give it to him fucking both barrels and tell him his choices now are to shut the fuck up with this nonsense or get out.

Of course youre not being unreasonable. It must get exhausting having to be subject to his temper tantrums all the time. Who the hell does he think he is?

It may or may not be abusive Gilda but it's sure not a healthy relationship to my mind. I agree with you about not looking forward to spending the rest of my life this way

I think Bluntness's approach is a bit passive aggressive, but if you really care about this man you need to get his attention to realise the damage he is doing to your relationship. I agree with others you need to show him how angry you are at this unhealthy coping mechanism of his, but you have to mean it - to issue an ultimatum and then not follow through is worse than doing nothing.

@Gilda152

Yes bluntness agreed. I wouldn't send that text word for word but I think the intimation was that if I wouldn't stand up for myself I am in fact an abused victim, but I'm not and I would give it back if needed.

Ah so that’s why we are not all owe to suggest that his behaviour is abusive. Because you have a stereotypical idea of what a victim is and you don’t identify with that.

RIIIGHYT.

Ok let me say one thing - he won’t get help with his anger because he doesn’t have a problem with it. It’s only other people, especially you, who have a problem.

His anger and aggressive behaviour is working out really well for him. He gets what he wants and he can offload his feelings on others.

This is who he is and how he navigates his way in the world.

I think you'd be doing him a favour if you sent Yoni's text. He has to understand that angrily lashing out like this is unacceptable & not what balanced individuals do.

If he won't accept he's at fault, where does that leave you OP? Are you just going to put up with this forever?

He sounds entitled and like he has a problem accepting when he’s in the wrong and apologising. Does he ever just say sorry to you OP? Or does he always go on the defence and get angry?

What a barrel of laughs and rock of support he sounds 😬

Either start digging your patio or planning a divorce. Why should you help the bad tempered brat sort himself out??