RELATIONSHIPY Aibu

[Gilda152]

My DH works away two days a week so is currently away. We are 95% happy - he has a short temper and ANY discussion about feelings always gets turned around to him losing his shit then we make up etc etc. Don't want to hear I'm being abused. I'm not. He's a short tempered knob at times but I'm not abused.

Anyway. I sent a zoom invite out earlier to him and my siblings, to discuss my father's house - dad passed with Covid in April, mum already passed a few years ago.

Zoom starts at 8, all present and correct except for him. My phone had died, when I charged it there was a message from him asking if I was zooming. Replied yes I had been and he should have been there too. Starts off ranting I should have answered phone etc to which I said AS YOU KNOW I was already on zoom(phone was dead anyway)., was genuinely looking forward to seeing his face so emotions are heightened. He's just giving me loads of shit angry messages now whereas to my mind he could just have joined the zoom like everyone else? For once, I've ignored his messages and I can't be arsed, I'm actually really cross. Am I being unreasonable for thinking just join the zoom like a normal person and don't start kicking off when I'm perturbed you didn't? We all get on there's no animosity so why he didn't I don't know but I'm fucked off that he wasnt there with me, even remotely. I've drawn a line in my head on this one. Sick of having my feelings negated by his angry outburst, making iit all about him as usual. Does anyone get it?

The thing about the text is it’s full of hyperbole and he will know it. It’s just so over the top, if she wants to be taken seriously she should request/demand an apology then talk to him face to face and make her point clear.

Op you need to decide what action you’ll take if he does it again

Quite frankly in my view he sounds like a spoilt man child.

As an aside, I don't see why your DH needs to be involved in you and your siblings zoom about your parent's house. Could you be being a bit naggy and demanding and he's getting fed up?

But to the point, doesn't matter whether it's abuse or not. Is he acknowledging a problem in his behaviour and taking real steps to change? Does he apologize for his rages without blaming you?

If so, maybe get counseling on how to cope, defuse situations and be supportive. If not you've nothing to work with and it's your choice whether to spend the rest of your life with that.

Also to add, if this is a change in behaviour, check his phone, sms, email, CC bills. It's the #1 cheater reg flag.

Do you have children? If not there's NFW I'd stay with him.

In your head you're saying 'I am not putting up with this, I know he is wrong , he is the idiot for doing it, I will not accept this behaviour'

The reality is you allow him to shout at you and let him do it again and again.

Every time you say it's the last time but it never is.

How much does he respect you to think it's acceptable to do this ? How much is he concerned about your feelings ? Has he worked out the cause and effect - I scream, shout and say nasty things , it diverts the situation ,I don't have to admit I'm wrong or do or talk about things I don't want to. That's a bullying tactic.

He's a nasty person. I expect he's disliked very much in work too.

Tell him a life with a frothing toddler manchild is no longer on your wish list, and you're seriously considering your future without him in it.

I would be angry if my DHs anger issues had me on eggshells all the time and was interfering with my life.

I would calm him out on it every single time and if it was me I would say I told you I’m not going to keep on tolerating this so get your anger in check or I will be calling time on this.

I would start preparing to split, building up assets, opening a new bank account if needed etc.

This isn’t an environment for dc so if they exist or if you want them in future then this can’t continue.

Thank you I appreciate all the responses. I included him in the zoom as all partners were there.
It's not a change in his behaviour per se but he's definitely got grumpier this year - however haven't we all. I don't want to live with nor do I want him to live with himself being like it. But I know I can only take care of myself. No children together, I have 1 DD who went to uni in September. My ex husband is a millionaire who I am also still friendly with - this is another bone of contention. I feel like he constantly thinks I'm going to run off with him because of what he has - which defies all logic as I left him and never even joke about doing it.

I know he is in the wrong but my stupid overly empathetic brain keeps reasoning why he's like this. Maybe he just hates me. I dont think he's cheating but you never do know - if he was it's over anyway there'd be no need to snoop, it'd be apparent.

I think at works he's seen as quite brusque by people who don't know him well. He has a regional accent as well that can sound harsher than it is.(we're not from the same place)

Surely if you ex husband is a millionaire then you got half of the marital assets when you divorced - perhaps more as you have ( I assume ) as child together.

So why would you run off with him if you have as much money as him now ?

I didn't take half. He stayed in the house as it was too big and I didn't want it. I got a very normal semi detached house, my business property and child maintenance. I didn't want anything more from him. (probably why we're re still friends!!)

Oh I'm so pleased you are not dependent on him nor do you have shared children.

Imagine your daughter was in a similar relationship. What would you say to her?

So, if you're a switched-on woman, who is financially independent and doesnt "need" this sad little man, can i ask why you've never stood up to him before? I mean, if you find his behaviour embarrassing and tedious, whats stopping you telling him that? Because clearly something is.

Genitals I suppose funny. The sad fact I still fancy him, more than anyone else.

I definitely don't need him for money, don't find him sad just find his tantrums embarrassing as I would a toddler in a supermarket. But don't love him any less as such. It's a nightmare.

I'd murder any man that spoke to my baby that way rhymes I know... I know...

He has just text to apologise and his manner is calm and lucid and explanatory of his feelings in the text... It would be great if he could do that in person though 😔

So you're putting up with petulant manchild behaviour that's upsetting and embarrassing for the sake of a good shag?

Swap him for a LoveHoney catalogue and move on with your life

Essentially yes rhymes 😆 Well that and that pain in the arse emotion we call love as well.

As I say he has apologised and that is RARE INDEED. Think I will just take today to decompress and spend some quality time with my dog! Dh would normally be home for weekend but I think we'll probably have a bit of space for now. It is hard as I'm staring down the face of complete isolation until 2nd December alone if we don't reconcile and that feels truly shit but it's a weighing game, I know.

You know he's an arse but you stay with him for sex.
What are you asking for here?

ranty I know he can be an arse, as stated.

"Am I being unreasonable for thinking just join the zoom like a normal person and don't start kicking off when I'm perturbed you didn't?"

Was what I asked. The consensus is no.

What's his family background? Perhaps he's a poor communicator esp in a conflict due to a toxic or difficult childhood. So he deals by angry outbursts. what was his father like? has he dealt consciously with FOO issues?

For the zoom call, if he didnt want to be there but felt highly pressured, that may be his passive aggressive way of backing out. Not cool or justified but might explain.

I think you are kidding yourself if you think this is 95% happy - it sounds nowhere near that.

I'm assuming you both live together in the house you bought from the divorce settlement.
Has it occurred to you and the longer your marriage lasts the greater proportion of your assets this man will be entitled to if / when you divorce?

Just think about that for a minute

Dpotter no we actually don't live together as yet. We married after 2 years but stayed living in separate homes as I wanted my house to be just me and DD until she went to uni and he was understanding of that.

mamakena he says his dad used to shout a lot when younger but mellowed as he got older. Whereas my dad was a sulker there were never any raised voices. Neither good approaches I guess.

I think you need your head examining to put up with this for the sake of cock OP. Do you both kick off when you don't get your own way as really I can't see how you can't see the flashing neon disaster sign if you don't?

Succinctly put closet 🤣

We're married
I love him
I also fancy him
He's sometimes a knob
I wasn't being unreasonable
He's apologised but has work to do no doubt about it.
Job done.

Thanks all for the input and opinions much appreciated🙂