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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

BIG CRUSH! What would you do?

38 replies

zanderpanda · 05/11/2020 22:13

Hi MN,
I'm driving myself crazy & need some advice.
I've been lurking on online dating sites for years now & dabble occasionally.
Some good experiences, some bad.
Recently I dated a guy who I found out was still married (wtf?) but it was early on & I wasn't very invested. Anyway...
For years I've been involved in a group that I love. Different people come & go & a couple of months ago this guy joined. We get on really well - both really into the activities we do, very similar sense of humour... we have met a few times purely to do the activities & now that it's lockdown we can still meet as a pair as it's all outside.
The last few times we have met, I've noticed I'm incredibly drawn to him. Like, incredibly.
We've started texting a bit in the eve (not about the activities.. general chat) & I found myself openly flirting with him a bit the other day.
I'm pretty sure he's single.
The more we meet up the more I feel attracted to him.
For me, this is a real novelty; Meeting someone in real life & not on a dating site.
Being able to do these activities I love together.
Laughing a lot...
I've almost asked him (twice) if he wants to meet for a drink/do something apart from the activities but terrified of the rejection & not 100% sure he's single.
Also, enjoying the admiring from afar/crush thing.
What would you do? Obviously options are limited (could meet outside & have a coffee in the park I guess?) but I get this amazing feeling every time we see each other & when he texts me & I feel like I want to see him away from the activities & see what else he's about.
If this year has taught me one thing it's carpe diem!!
I'm in my 30s & feel like I'm 15 Confused

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 05/11/2020 22:20

Just ask him....be clear it's a date though in case he's married or in a relationship and thinks it's a friend thing.

Original poster
zanderpanda · 05/11/2020 22:25

Thanks for your reply @FortunesFave
I just don't know if I can... so scared of rejection! Then that'll ruin things & the activities we do are everything!! Especially at the mo...

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 05/11/2020 22:29

Do it!

gindinner · 05/11/2020 22:40

Can you find out if he's single first and then ask him if he wants to do something else? Asking him if he's single is easy. I would have done that already, just dropped it into the conversation.

RandomMess · 05/11/2020 22:52

Have you social media stalked to see if there is partner?

You do need to ask though!

Original poster
zanderpanda · 05/11/2020 23:07

@gindinner @RandomMess haven't asked him if he's single as feels really obvious (like I'm wanting to know cos I fancy him) but meant to be meeting Saturday & planning to just do it then

  • I am going to mention the person I am no longer dating and ask if he's dating anyone... or something.
Arghhhhhhh I feel so nervous!
OP posts:
Original poster
zanderpanda · 05/11/2020 23:08

@RandomMess he doesn't use social media

OP posts:
Soozikinzii · 05/11/2020 23:55

Yes that's the best way to find out mention you're not in a relationship at the moment which should smoothly run into him sharing his current situation? Isn't there a mutual friend who knows if he's single. Aww I really really hope he is !

scottishlass123 · 06/11/2020 00:07

To find out if he is single you could talk about lockdown and your bubble or whatever situation you are in and then ask him has he got a wife or partner and kids to keep him company during lockdown. Just drop it in conversation casually if he says yeah, just say ahh thats really lovely for you and if he says no just ask him if he is in a bubble with family or friends. Good luck and fingers crossed he is single and you date him.

bebarkered · 06/11/2020 00:55

Awwwwww GOOD LUCK OP. I hope everything goes your way x

SleepingStandingUp · 06/11/2020 01:00

What response do you get when you flirt?

Original poster
zanderpanda · 06/11/2020 07:21

@scottishlass123 that's a great idea. Thanks. I'll do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
zanderpanda · 06/11/2020 07:26

@SleepingStandingUp I don't know if he noticed when I flirted a bit because I'm a bit rubbish at it. We constantly joke around and take the piss (feel very comfortable with him and he laughs at my jokes and I laugh at his because he's very funny)
Ok so I might be seeing him today now instead of tomorrow so will update later!

OP posts:
IJustWantSomeBees · 06/11/2020 09:15

I wouldn't ask him out. If he is interested in you he will be eager to ask you out himself and you also don't have to risk being rejected. If he doesn't ask then you know he's not interested. Men are proactive when they are seriously into someone, they don't sit on their hands.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/11/2020 09:20

I think you need to flirt harder. Of he's a decent guy, he may be wary of coming on to you and upsetting you and some guys do not get subtlety.

I'm assuming no wedding ring?

I'd go with "how are you feeling about lockdown? At least we can still meet up like this and I'm in a bubble with my parents. How about you?

IJustWantSomeBees · 06/11/2020 09:22

I also think that it's unlikely he didn't realise you were flirting. Again, men are generally hyper in-tune to open/positive behaviour from women. I hope I don't sound too blunt/pessimistic here OP, I don't mean to imply that you've been fooling yourself or anything as it does sound like he enjoys your company and you have a great time together, but in my experience you don't need to ask a man out yourself, if they are interested they won't waste any time.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 06/11/2020 09:26

You must ask him if he is single . There are married men out there who act like this - been there and got the T shirt . Don't leave it until you are in any deeper .

BlokeHereInPeace · 06/11/2020 09:33

@SleepingStandingUp

I think you need to flirt harder. Of he's a decent guy, he may be wary of coming on to you and upsetting you and some guys do not get subtlety.

I'm assuming no wedding ring?

I'd go with "how are you feeling about lockdown? At least we can still meet up like this and I'm in a bubble with my parents. How about you?

Think SSU has it about right. Don't be too subtle. And don't make him have to be pushy. And if he's single, don't wait, just sort out a walk or whatever. Good luck.
RenataLander · 06/11/2020 09:44

Hello! It's great that you feel that way. You need to get to know the person better, to communicate longer. If he doesn't tell directly, is busy or free, it's already an alarming call. Be careful!

RandomMess · 06/11/2020 09:54

I social media presence at all would make me a bit suspicious that he wants to keep his home life completely separate from socialising...

WitchWife · 06/11/2020 09:57

I find the MN thing that men who like you will be clear and proactive a bit odd. Some people are shy, and many others will only make a move if they’re pretty sure you like them back. And between friendship and dating it can be quite difficult to tell “how” someone likes you (I’ve been out with male friends only to be told years later that they thought it was a date, and I’m not usually that slow!!)

GagaBinks · 06/11/2020 10:05

@IJustWantSomeBees

I wouldn't ask him out. If he is interested in you he will be eager to ask you out himself and you also don't have to risk being rejected. If he doesn't ask then you know he's not interested. Men are proactive when they are seriously into someone, they don't sit on their hands.
Sorry but this is a really archaic way of thinking, lumping all men into the same category of person. It's simply not true and is a massive generalisation. My husband is one of the most shy people I've met so I had to ask for the first date etc. It was nothing to do with him not liking me (we're obviously married now) but fear of rejection himself. You need to update your thinking, I'm afraid.
IJustWantSomeBees · 06/11/2020 10:12

@GagaBinks You're welcome to your opinion, as am I, attacking is not necessary here.

gindinner · 06/11/2020 10:38

I agree, op, try flirting a little more obviously. Or you could just approach directly yourself. And ime men usually laugh harder at jokes if they fancy you.
What kind of activities do you do together? Are you sure he doesn't consider them dates?

gindinner · 06/11/2020 10:40

I've been approaching men myself since the 90s. But I do have a preference for shy nerds

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