36 years together and now this....

[BayleafTheGardener24]

I've been with my DH for 36 years, 24 of them married. We have 2 adult kids, one of them severely disabled who I gave up work to care for 20 years ago. He's now really settled in a residential college and loving it. Was looking forward to some time to self care and time with DH to rebuild our battered marriage.

Then, completely by accident and due to a password mix up, I ended up on his email account on the email providers web page. I scrolled through wondering why I didn't recognise anything of mine then realised I was looking at mountain of emails that shocked me. I found receipts of purchases of gifts he had been sending to addresses i didn't recognise. It started with jewellery, perfume etc but progressed to sex toys and fetish gear.

I have since found out these gifts went to people who must be not far off my daughter's age and he let slip that he had been to at least one of their houses. They all live locally. He denies anything inappropriate!!

He has also been spending hours on the phone to an old flame so it's pretty clear we are done.

What do I do now? Divorce is a definite for me as I had my doubts about wanting to be with him as I haven't felt close for a while and I have always doubted his honesty but never had the proof of anything. I haven't worked in 20 years and finding a job in lock down is going to be pretty impossible. I have to rebuild everything from scratch.

I am shocked, massively stressed and don't know where to turn.

If this was your situation, what would you do??

Oh you poor thing. This sounds worse than an ordinary affair. He sounds really seedy.

I'm glad your son in the residential home is happy - that must be a great relief. Does your other son live at home?

How old are you now? If you sold the house would there be equity for two flats?

I’m so sorry. After 36 years that must’ve been a shock!!!
I myself am in your situation. We’ve only been together 9 years but have a 2 year old, twins 1 year old and another on the way.
Shit happens im afraid. I got 20 week scan next week and then I’m out of here.
Good luck to whatever you decide.

My DD is 22 and lives at home with us. My son will have to come home for college holidays and needs his downstairs disabled facilities so selling this house would mean finding another 2 with the same facilities.
We could sell once he is settled after college but that's 3 years down the line.
I'm 56

I’m sorry you are going through this OP.
I think you need to get a solicitor, gather up copies of everything financial, bank statements, mortgage, pensions, etc and keep copies somewhere safe. Protect yourself.

Can you speak to close family and friends? You need a support network around you.

@FingersCrossedForAllOfUs

I’m sorry you are going through this OP. I think you need to get a solicitor, gather up copies of everything financial, bank statements, mortgage, pensions, etc and keep copies somewhere safe. Protect yourself.

Can you speak to close family and friends? You need a support network around you.

I have a great set of friends thank goodness.

Good advice.

You can live separated within the same house. You can apply for benefits on that basis, I believe .. that you're separated but living in the sane property until the house is sold.

No harm in looking for work too.

The family law solicitor is definitely a must too.

Oh, Bayleaf, that is shit. What a seedy little man. I was in a not dissimilar situation after 30 years.

I would recommend you get a shit hot lawyer, ask around, even ask Women's Aid for recommendations (although from what you've said it doesn't sound like you need them but they will be able to recommend decent solicitors).

Do you think it would be possible to stay in the house as it's already set up for your son? A good lawyer should be able to help you with that.

Talk to people in RL, you never know what's round the corner. When I met with my friend to tell her my news she had just come from meeting with someone who was looking for an employee - I walked straight into the job, not having worked for 20 years. There is hope for you, all is not lost

Bayleaf how awful for you, but I confessed to laughing/scoffing at him denying anything inappropriate happening. So he doesn't believe that sending gifts including sex toys and fetish gear to women young enough to be his daughter is inappropriate?

I'm glad to hear you have a good set of friends. Get your ducks in a row with all of your paperwork. I wish you the best of luck.

@LemonBreeland

Bayleaf how awful for you, but I confessed to laughing/scoffing at him denying anything inappropriate happening. So he doesn't believe that sending gifts including sex toys and fetish gear to women young enough to be his daughter is inappropriate?

I'm glad to hear you have a good set of friends. Get your ducks in a row with all of your paperwork. I wish you the best of luck.

You may laugh, I did myself when he said it. I realise I've been overlooking his behaviour for years and there have been a few red flags but this takes the biscuit. His excuses and justification are ridiculous "I've just been a bit over-generous with gifts that's all" "I was helping her set up her business, she's a struggling single mum" Yes, set up her cam-girl business by buying her a diamante butt plug..... I don't know whether to laugh or be sick. I am amazed by his thought processes. There is no moral code or understanding of how wrong this is.

I'm sorry Bayleaf to read this and glad you are so firm on divorce as the next step. Though this all must be a horrid shock, in time you may actually look back and feel thankful you came across these emails now rather than devote time to rebuilding your relationship. Your new life, away from your responsibilities as your DC become ever more independent, beckons. Just to add to other good advice you've had, please get yourself an STI test. He may not have been sexually unfaithful but he's clearly already minimising what he has done thus far.

I felt I was somewhat clumsy in my wording. In terms of your disabled DC I mean the phrase independent from the sense that his needs are being met from his residential home and caregivers there in term time rather than you continuing to be his full time carer at home 24/7. Apologies if I caused any offence.

You need a SHL (shit hot lawyer), for a start. Also copies of EVERYTHING financial.

You need legal advice urgently. I would not engage with him any further. He is just trying to minimise things. Get all your documents and any assets together. This is an awful thing

Diamante butt plug??? Eurgh. Of all the things to put sparkly bits on

iIm just thinking about what i need to get copies of...... bank accounts, pensions, what else do they look at?? bills maybe?
I have changed my passwords on all accounts and social media so that's a start

we don't have a mortgage thank god.

@slidingdrawers

I felt I was somewhat clumsy in my wording. In terms of your disabled DC I mean the phrase independent from the sense that his needs are being met from his residential home and caregivers there in term time rather than you continuing to be his full time carer at home 24/7. Apologies if I caused any offence.

None take, I understood what you meant.

You say you don’t have a mortgage ? Is that because you rent or because you own your house outright ?

You need info on bank accounts, savings, credit cards, any debts, tax returns, pay slips, work bonuses, details of any assets like cars, property, life insurance, benefits.

Don’t rush to find a job, you are a dependant and that puts you in a stronger position for a divorce. You will be able to claim spousal, or take more from the settlement pot.

My advise, see a lawyer and take your time. You can tell him to leave, but he can stay if he likes. ( and if he stays, it’s stress city) It’s going to be a very shit time.
You’re better off without him, but it will take time to realise this.

You need to gather info on savings, pension, investments etc.

I would imagine with a disabled child needing facilities that you’d be able to stay in the house but you’ll need to see a solicitor ASAP

So sorry Bayleaf

As you sound pretty certain about your future plans I would go to Citizens advice and specific charities that have information about what your entitled to, as well as solicitors.

he's been shagging escorts and sending them gifts.

Get an appointment with a solicitor asap, and copies of all marital assets including savings.
Also copies of those emails.....
If you have a joint account for savings - i'd transfer half to your own account before he spends your money on more women/hookers.

I'd also get an STD check done just in case.

i'd stop doing anything for him in the home, so he does his own stuff and you both are living together but separated.
Not doing his cooking, cleaning etc will help

Yes, set up her cam-girl business by buying her a diamante butt plug.....

I shouldn't laugh, butt...

As the others have said, OP, you need to get your ducks in a row. And keep evidence. Download the receipts, because he's been spending your joint money on these women.

Bayleaf, i can understand your complete devastation & shock at seeing those e-mails, but did you screenshot them, or forward them to yourself, so that you have evidence? For him to think that you are a complete fool, with his excuses ! His pension details, deeds to the house or tenancy agreement, so it can be transferred into your name, and bank statements you need to stash in a safe place. Can you bear to be in the same house as him? Sending best wishes to you and your offspring

Thank you everyone, got my ducks in a kind of semi-row now. I just want to keep the house so my son has somewhere he is familiar with to live and the facilities he needs. I have most of the evidence I need gathered together and the rest i can get tomorrow. I am going to get legal advice because I think he will try and snake his way out of this but I won't let that happen. I feel nothing for contempt for him and his sleezy ways and his total failure to understand why I can't just pretend it didn't happen and that he won't do it again. He has been lying to me for years but I have only just stumbled across this goldmine of evidence and I fully intend to use it. The sooner he leaves here the better but I expect he will resist. Good old mumsnet to the rescue, thank you again.