I've NC'ed because I want to focus in on this issue - but I've posted before and not in a great place in my relationship. Been together a decade, married 5 no children late 30s.
So over the past few years I have struggled with exhaustion - a combination of career, family stuff, and renovating a house on a budget etc. My DW is very sociable and enjoys going out - I'm not as fussed on that element but I always tried to support her and go to events that she was interested in. We have been sexless for a long time... always too tired, always an excuse why not to do it etc.
So a while back it got too much and I told my DW that things had to change. I felt I couldn't go on anymore and had what you might call a breakdown. She agreed we should slow down. Lockdown happened and I wasn't in a great place. My DW in essence told me to man up.. it broke me. I've struggled with insomnia for whats pushing on a year and a half now - I see fractures in our relationship, I feel a bit controlled and she has admitted that she is controlling.
Fast forward to the past couple of weeks, which was our anniversary. We agreed to take the day off, go for dinner and then a relaxed day doing nothing really given the limitations of COVID. Anyway, lockdown happened which meant we had to change plans. We agreed to go for dinner before lockdown started. For me that was enough... we celebrated the date as best we could.
We still had the day off and my DW said that she wanted to spend the day doing an activity. I said that I wanting something more relaxing, and didn't want to do the activity with my her. But then I said maybe as a compromise I said did she fancy a morning walk out to a nearby nature reserve to get some fresh air and spend some of the day together. She agreed , so we could walk in the morning and then she can do her thing and I can stay in.
I've been feeling a bit under the weather again recently, but I made it to dinner. Next day she woke me up with breakfast in bed at 6.30 am, which of course was a lovely gesture but its wasn't what I needed at that point in time. I hadn't slept, I was feeling ill....she could see I was unconformable but I ate it. (I vomited it up later on the way to work).
She then suggested that we go on the walk at lunchtime and not in the morning, and take a picnic with us. I said to her I would prefer to keep it as it was with the walk in the morning. The weather has turned and I dont fancy sitting in the cold and wet having a picnic. She started shouting at me that I was horrible... that I hated her breakfast and didnt want to spend the day with her. I tried to explain that I didnt feel well in the morning, and I was getting frustrated that she was changing the plans.
So its a viscous loop ... she is trying to fix the relationship with gestures but equally she is pursuing her own interest and doing what she wants to do. I'm not grateful of her gestures because I feel that they are counterproductive to me and my wellness.
She makes we want to run away from her. I feel the pressure is immense. I can never make her happy. I feel a failure. She is accusing me of having an affair, which I'm not. I admit I stepped away from her and explained why (because I didn't feel supported)...I've never admitted to her that I've had to rely on ADs and the Samaritans etc, and there have been times when I just thought I should end it. Every waking moment shes asking me what I'm doing, where I am going, who I'm talking to. My friend said that I'm broken...
How do I get out of this loop!