Help..... In a viscous loop with no way out

[TruroTruro]

I've NC'ed because I want to focus in on this issue - but I've posted before and not in a great place in my relationship. Been together a decade, married 5 no children late 30s.

So over the past few years I have struggled with exhaustion - a combination of career, family stuff, and renovating a house on a budget etc. My DW is very sociable and enjoys going out - I'm not as fussed on that element but I always tried to support her and go to events that she was interested in. We have been sexless for a long time... always too tired, always an excuse why not to do it etc.

So a while back it got too much and I told my DW that things had to change. I felt I couldn't go on anymore and had what you might call a breakdown. She agreed we should slow down. Lockdown happened and I wasn't in a great place. My DW in essence told me to man up.. it broke me. I've struggled with insomnia for whats pushing on a year and a half now - I see fractures in our relationship, I feel a bit controlled and she has admitted that she is controlling.

Fast forward to the past couple of weeks, which was our anniversary. We agreed to take the day off, go for dinner and then a relaxed day doing nothing really given the limitations of COVID. Anyway, lockdown happened which meant we had to change plans. We agreed to go for dinner before lockdown started. For me that was enough... we celebrated the date as best we could.

We still had the day off and my DW said that she wanted to spend the day doing an activity. I said that I wanting something more relaxing, and didn't want to do the activity with my her. But then I said maybe as a compromise I said did she fancy a morning walk out to a nearby nature reserve to get some fresh air and spend some of the day together. She agreed , so we could walk in the morning and then she can do her thing and I can stay in.

I've been feeling a bit under the weather again recently, but I made it to dinner. Next day she woke me up with breakfast in bed at 6.30 am, which of course was a lovely gesture but its wasn't what I needed at that point in time. I hadn't slept, I was feeling ill....she could see I was unconformable but I ate it. (I vomited it up later on the way to work).

She then suggested that we go on the walk at lunchtime and not in the morning, and take a picnic with us. I said to her I would prefer to keep it as it was with the walk in the morning. The weather has turned and I dont fancy sitting in the cold and wet having a picnic. She started shouting at me that I was horrible... that I hated her breakfast and didnt want to spend the day with her. I tried to explain that I didnt feel well in the morning, and I was getting frustrated that she was changing the plans.

So its a viscous loop ... she is trying to fix the relationship with gestures but equally she is pursuing her own interest and doing what she wants to do. I'm not grateful of her gestures because I feel that they are counterproductive to me and my wellness.

She makes we want to run away from her. I feel the pressure is immense. I can never make her happy. I feel a failure. She is accusing me of having an affair, which I'm not. I admit I stepped away from her and explained why (because I didn't feel supported)...I've never admitted to her that I've had to rely on ADs and the Samaritans etc, and there have been times when I just thought I should end it. Every waking moment shes asking me what I'm doing, where I am going, who I'm talking to. My friend said that I'm broken...

How do I get out of this loop!

Oh god just leave. There’s no kids. You sound completely uninterested in each other.

Life isn’t meant to be this boring and shit.

She says she loves me and doesnt want to split. She doesnt want things to change and want things to go back to how they were

You have to leave such a toxic environment, for your own mental health. If you still love her, then maybe you can be friends further down the line, but the only way to get out of a loop is to actually step out of it in the first place. Maybe start to make plans - write a list of what you need to do and by when; people who are controlling sometimes capitalise on the fact that you're nervous when you're trying to leave. Make sure you have a place to go and some kind of support system in place before then, even if it's just a couple of hours with a therapist.

Your friend? Male or female?

Why haven't you told your wife you are on anti-depressants?

And it's vicious loop - the other word means thick or sticky.

Have to agree with @YippeeKayakOtherBuckets otherwise.

What are your living arrangements? Is it easy for you to move out? It can't be easy but there will be good days ahead for you!

Who cares what she wants? She’s making you miserable. What do you want?

It’s not much of a marriage. No support, no empathy, no mutual interests, no intimacy, no sex, you’re not friends, she shouts at you.

As is often said on here, you may find your depression eases when you’re out of this toxic mess.

You say you’ve posted before. Did everyone tell you to leave? Why are you flogging a dead horse? Don’t you think being single would be better than waking up every day knowing you don’t like your wife, she doesn’t like you and your marriage is dead?

And of course there’s a way out. It’s called divorce. You could be free in 3-4 months. Loads of us have done it and improved our lives for the better. Only you can change things. Being defeatist as if there’s something banning you from taking charge of your life will make you feel worse.

Just split up with her. If she's making you that miserable and you don't feel you can be completely honest with her about how bad you're feeling then you don't have much of a marriage. And regardless of what she wants, if it's not what you want you don't have to do it.
Yiou have no kids which makes it much easier and a clean break.

Wow.. what a stupid typo from me. I'm a scientist not that great at spelling which may say a lot.

-The friend who told me i'm broken is female, but knows both of us. (She actually said "Ive been broken")

• On the ADs. I think its because of the relationship dynamic. So I'm always getting told off by her - someone today posted about a guy who's wife left because he left a cup in the sink. So its a bit like this. I told her I was in a bad place and she told me to get a grip.. so Im hardly going to now admit that i need ADs

• When I posted before yes everyone said leave, but I felt I should work on things. I also feel that my weaknesses are only going to be taken into another relationship so I do need to address them

• I dont have anywhere to go no, and lockdown has made that harder. There is no abuse though so I dont need to immediately move out

It's not going to get any better. She has no empathy or compassion for you. She's making you miserable and exhausted.

If you get out of that marriage and as far away as possible from her, you'll start relaxing and sleeping again, that will do wonders for your mood.

The hardest part is leaving but you'll be relieved when you do.

Leave, get help to sort your mental health out (counselling?) Before starting any new relationship.

You are making yourself Ill by staying.

I can see both sides and think you’re fundamentally incompatible. She isn’t showing empathy towards your situation but at the same time it must be frustrating for her. My husband is similar to you and frankly it is incredibly dull being with someone who is always too tired to do anything fun, particularly as you’re both pretty young still.

I cant, fathom out what going on here to be frank.

Honest talking would help.

Something doesn't feel right, hidden agendas.
Difficult to comment about it

Hope your depression lifts

I feel a bit controlled and she has admitted that she is controlling
Abusers break people by being controlling - and this woman admits it yet doesn't want to change her ways....and i bet she's been this way the whole decade you've been with her.

She's broken you.
She's not supporting you.
She's not listening to you.
She told you to 'man up'......how would she take it if you told her to 'woman up' and stop being so demanding?

You're lucky that you don't have children to complicate things and your marital assets will be pretty much split 50/50.

Get out whilst you still have some life left in you.

Get out. You need to heal

Your life with her is miserable. She treating you like a child asking you we're are you going and who are you with all of the time. She accuses you of having affairs. Your friend can see what going on, know how she is treating you and has told they can see your broken.
Along with this you can't tell your wife your taking anti depressants.
You need to get legal advice about getting a divorce and bring all bank statements ect with you to this meeting.
Their is no point in staying in a dead relationship with a person who making you life a misery.
I think once you start to move on with your life you will feel better. Go to your doctor and get your bloods done as it show up any health issues. Get some sleeping tablets to help as well.
Then get some counselling as you need help to move on and improve your own life going forward.

Thanks for all the comments.

I appreciate that I am probably not that fun to live with - but when you constantly feel exhausted, sick and dizzy you dont have the energy or impetus to do much.

I appreciate that my wife's role shouldn't be to fix me. But is it wrong of me to expect some consideration - i mean if I ha cancer and was on chemo, then I would she expect me to run around the whole time and go out for dinner. I tried to meet her in the middle by doing some stuff..., but I cant help but think I am the bad guy the whole time.

I am trying myself really hard to improve. I see my GP, been on CBT for a year and have been given sleeping pills but Im really worried about becoming addicted so I have never taken them.

My heart goes out to you.

Key points that stand out

Low energy levels, exhaustion
No intimacy
Depression/anxiety (?)
Feeling controlled
Needing to 'escape'
DW gestures appear self-serving
Needs belittled
Cognitive empathy reasonable but no affective empathey

Only you can decide what to do. I recommend you get out of this ABUSIVE relationship. I wish you well. One final word, it is impossible to heal whilst you are being abused. You must leave.

You are worth more than this.

OP,
You are not happy.

Relentlessly not sleeping is making you feel worse.

Use the sleeping pills.
They are most likely a low dose, so using them for a few weeks to help you get some rest would be good for you.

Your marriage is over.

You are flogging a dead horse.

Accept your marriage is over.

Get some sleep.

Make a plan to leave.

Carry on getting MH support.

Reach out for support IRL.

This sounds like a horrible relationship I’m sorry . You are too different and she seems controlling . Good luck op. Hope you feel better soon .

Also with the sleeping tablets could you try nylon ? They have herbal and non herbal . I had terrible insomnia and I took tablets it just got me out of a bad rut .

Nytol-*

Waking you up when she knows you have trouble sleeping is very unkind.
I’d leave and work on your happiness by yourself.

Thanks for the messages - I am going back to the doctor. I would say yes I imagine that I will be diagnosed with depression although I've been living with it for some time. That's very hard for me to admit,

Its funny because yesterday my wife made a big U turn and said that she finally recognises that she cant understand what it's like to deal with depression, to deal with the fact I have no-one to support me or help me. Over the years I've neglected my own friends, and instead all I have now are her friends which we see as a couple. I have work friends but she doesn't like me socialising with them too much as she thinks they are a bad influence on me and says that I prioritise them over her.

She also said that she thinks i'm low because of my family's lack of support, and stress. After three weeks of stepping away from me, she became close again - but I don't know why. I have said anything and nothing has changed so I'm not sure why the sudden u turn.

I don't like reading the messages where people say I'm in an abusive or toxic relationship. I just don't believe its true. Because how can I have allowed myself to get in this situation... is it that i'm so naive, or just that Im very weak and a complete pushover. I was bullied at school and Ive been bullied at work in the past as well.

I could never admit to anyone that I've allowed this to happen. I feel shame telling my parents. What do you do when people ask why you split... oh because i'm a wet flannel who although being twice the size of her, is scared of his wife. Also no one would believe me anyway.. everyone thinks she is a saint, and on the outside she is.

I'm just don't think I will ever come back from here. I'm obviously a bad judge of character and will always be taken advantage of, so I'm destined for failure

I totally hear you OP. I understand that dont like to think of yourself that way.

U speaknof feeling shame. There is no shame in admitting abuse. I think men who are abused have it much harecause of societal norms.

You sound desperately unhappy. I'm sorry I.miseed the Samaritans point. Do tell your Dr it has got to that level. I am a serial DA abd suicide Survivour. I know what it's like.

Please keep on reaching out. Also, rember that woman are just as likely to abuse as men except they do it in different ways.

As to the sudden change in her behaviour? Simple, she is sensing she is losing control.

Keep on talking.