If your children no longer see their father...

[RedShark]

Whether it was within your control or not...
How have they coped with the experience?
Do you wish you’d have done anything differently or was it the only way forward for you all?

After seperating just before lockdown I spent his contact time with them initially so DCs were comfortable (he was never very hands on so being left alone would have been unusual for them, 5 and 18 months) but as I started to go to town/for a coffee during contact time, he started being flaky with contact.
He then told me he couldn’t commit to seeing them and hasn’t been around for the last 3 months. He asked to come at Christmas to give them gifts but I said unless it was alongside the restarting of regular contact, not to bother as it will unsettle them. So he’s not coming.
Just looking for some other experiences and maybe validation that I’ve done the right thing despite this being his choice

I think you have done the right thing. The harm he can do to them being flaky and letting them down and unsettling them can be considerable. If they have a healthy relationship with you and some good male role models they can re establish a relationship with him in later years when they are not so vulnerable and have developed a strong sense of what good relationships with men looks like.

Thank you both. We are a tight family unit and they have great male role models in the form of my dad, grandad and they still see their dads grandad too occasionally.
I would never want them to not know what to expect week to week, we are very much a ‘routine’ household and my eldest especially likes to know what’s happening in the days ahead. They don’t ask after him which is sad but probably says it all. I think I’ve taken the view that no contact is better than sporadic contact.

As someone who comes from a very fractured background, believe me when I say you have done the right thing. Once contact was officially cut with my 'd'f it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The anxiety of not knowing if and when he'd be around (and my dm just letting him do what he liked) has unfortunately stayed with me and caused me problems that my lovely therapist has helped me work out.

You're doing what's best for your kids. for you

As someone who didn't meet their dad until I was 17 I don't think you have done the right thing.
I would have much preferred to make up my own mind about what a loser he was. It has damaged my relationship with my mother for ever. Although she was shit at other things too!

My kids didn’t see their dad for 3 years, it definitely had a negative affect on them

As someone with a crap dad, I don’t think you should stop him from coming.
I resented my mum for what I saw as standing in the way of a relationship with my dad, when really I know she was trying to protect me.
I still wonder would he have developed a relationship with me if he’d been allowed to figure it out in his own crap way.

Thank you for your responses. I appreciate hearing both sides!
Out of interest @Givemeabreak88 how old were your children at the time?

We have 4 and He left me when I was pregnant and the children were 6, 5 and 3 and then obviously a newborn as well. It affected my daughter massively (the oldest) she spent a long time begging me to get her a new dad, she use to cry about it a lot, it was worse when she got a male teacher she use to ask me to marry him , ask me to meet someone so she can get a “new dad” it was horrible and I felt really bad for her, it went on for a long time.

@Arosadra I have always tried to facilitate their relationship for this reason - I would never want them to see me being anything other than supportive of him having a relationship with them. But I really worry that them not knowing from one week to the next when he’s coming to see them is too disruptive and upsetting. He’s taken it out of my hands by opting out for the last 3 months anyway, that wasn’t what I wanted for them, but I also don’t want my sons Christmas to be overwhelmed by this sudden showering of gifts from an absent parent who then disappears again

@Givemeabreak88 that must have been really hard for you and her to deal with. I was worried about this kind of reaction when I initially decided to seperate from him, but I needn’t have in the end I guess as my eldest coped well. What changed for her to have contact again with him?

From the timings it suggests he didn't want you having any sort of social life plus he actually would have to start "doing" for his DC on his own?
Flitting in at Christmas in true Disney dad style!

I've not experienced it personally but can't believe that any kind of sporadic contact being controlled by him is good for any of you?

I’m going to go against the grain here and say he should be allowed to see them at Christmas, even if he’s not going to commit to regular contact after. It is crap, I get that. But as your DC grow and develop they will know who he is, however intermittently he sees them, and that’s good for their sense of identity. Just don’t let him make promises he won’t keep and protect them from the expectation that they’ll see him again soon. They will have a secure home with you. Only tell them they’re seeing him when arrangements are fully confirmed. They’ll come to their own conclusions about him as they get older but I think it would be totally wrong to cut him off completely now. You can manage your DCs expectations and protect them. You run a very great risk of fracturing your relationship with your DC in the future if you make such a drastic decision for them.

I don't have personal experience of this although a good friend of mine had a flakey dad who disappeared a lot when she was a kid. One time her mum had to get a private detective to track him down and he was living a couple of towns away with a new wife

Anyway i think she is very pragmatic about their relationship, she doesn't rely on him, hes like a nice uncle figure and i think she is pleased that she knows where he is and that he could come to her wedding etc.

If you were to allow your ex to come at christmas perhaps reduce the possibility for it to cause upset by telling him to come on a day between christmas and new year?

Keep an open dialogue with your oldest in particular and check in to see how they are feeling about seeing their dad sporadically. If you have the resources also perhaps think about paying for a child counsellor who can have make sure that the kids are ok and it isn't affecting them detrimentally? Kids can often put on an act with the resident parent, so external support could be useful.

Good luck and trust your judgement whatever you decide, you sound like a great parent!

You’re doing the right thing OP. He’s clearly not bothered about his DC if it involves making any effort whatsoever. Your DC deserve far far better than that. I know it’s better in general for DC to have a father, but it’s also true that a bad father can do more harm than good. You’re doing the right thing for your DC. They need to learn that a parent is someone who cares about them and is someone they should be able to rely on. Their father isn’t willing to be that parent so he shouldn’t be inflicted on the DC.

My DS hasn’t seen his father for years and he hates him. My DS’s father is violent though, so my experience might be different to yours. At the end of the day though, what your DC and my DS have in common is a father who doesn’t give a shit about having a relationship with them, so neither of their fathers’ deserve to be in their DCs’ lives.

My dd 13 and ds 11 have experienced a dad who has completely gone off grid they were 8 and 6 when we separated, contact was not too bad at first then after the first 6 months he started to not turn up be very hard to contact. 17th december 2017 was the last day he ever saw them , he said he would come back with their presents on his next lot of days off , he never came back. My eldest sobbed her heart out next to the tree and I felt helpless and so upset and angry on her behalf . My son now 11 misses his dad terribly my daughter 13 feels so angry towards him she had a massive operation for sclerosis in july and he didnt even text to ask how she was , I had bumped into him just before the op and instinct wanted me to shout and tell him what I thought of him but I put their needs first tried one last ditch attempt to get him to see them told him about the op asked him to support his daughter , nothing ! This is a man i spent over a decade with and i cannot force him to see them and i think now i wouldnt allow him to just pop back in and flake away again it would hurt them all over again .They miss their dad but they also are angry and confused and until they are adults i will keep him away .In all honesty though i dont think he will see them again. Poor kids

Thank you so much for all your responses, it’s helpful having other people’s insights/hearing experiences.
My parents split when I was 2 and my dad was apparently very flaky at the start but in the end I had regular contact and I really respect my mum for how she dealt with it all (I had no idea an affair on his part caused the split until I was 16, you would never have known as my mum was always very respectful towards him around me). So a small part of me is waivering on letting him have contact when he asks even if it is around Christmas just so I can say honestly to them in the future I gave him access every opportunity he asked.
But the biggest part of me feels like my son is at that critical age where any letdowns or disappointments are going to really imbed themselves and I can’t bear the thought of him having his life dominated by a dad who has always been very absent and hands off even during our marriage.
@carbhunter counselling may be a good idea, I will speak to school and see what can be done through them. I feel like I’ve raised him to air any emotions openly whether positive or negative but you’re right, he may filter them out subconsciously around me

@Armychefbethebest I’m really sorry he’s treated them with such disregard, your poor daughter must have been heartbroken. I hope she’s recovered from her operation okay x

Mine left when the kids were 2 & 3, I told him he needed to commit to proper contact as he would say he was coming and then not turn up which was causing a lot of upset for the 3 year old. I honestly thought he would buck his ideas up at the thought of losing the kids but he bailed and said it was probs best if he stopped seeing them. I used to send him messages on FB a few times a year with updates on how they were getting on and wish him a happy christmas......eventually he blocked me and stopped paying any maintenance.
The kids are now teenagers and have a fantastic step dad. The oldest is fine- he isn't interested in his dad. The younger child has really struggled massively and it has damaged her a lot!

I still think it was the right decision- he wasn't really interested in them and that would have become more and more obvious the older they got which I think would have caused even more damage. I don't talk ill of him and have left it up to the kids to make their own minds up about him. We still talk about him together.
I have told them when they are old enough I am happy to help them find him if they want a relationship with him- the only thing I ask is that they tell me first so that I can support them through it. (mainly because I know there is a good chance he will get bored after a while and let them down again)

Interesting split opinions here.

My parents split before I was born. My dad was a twat and an addict and my mum did everything within her power to make sure he never saw me again.

I'm now a teacher and I've seen a lot of kids who have split parents and the negative impact it has on them, even the ones which split amicably!

On paper I should be pretty fucked up and have serious issues from my childhood etc. I won't go into details. However I'm incredibly level headed, reasonable and happy. I credit all of that to my mum and the fact she kept my dad away. I have no doubt whatsoever that having him in my life would have 'messed me up' in some way shape or form. I had (and still have) a great relationship with my grandad. I've never once wished to have known my dad.

Side note- I didn't know he was a twat until i was an adult. Telling a child that wouldn't be a good idea. But I certainly didn't miss what I never had.

@TheGoodEnoughWife

As someone who didn't meet their dad until I was 17 I don't think you have done the right thing. I would have much preferred to make up my own mind about what a loser he was. It has damaged my relationship with my mother for ever. Although she was shit at other things too!

Did it damage your relationship with your father further?

If your father wanted to make contact he could have surely! There’s too many men that want to have children without a second thought yet they don’t want to take responsibility and provide stability as well as routine for their kids.

I say this as someone who had a dad in and out of my life as a child. I would never allow that for my own child.

Givemeabreak88 Did you get your dd a “new dad”? That is exactly what my dd 6 demanded I did when her dad left. Took me 3 years.

Op it’s so hard to know. My kids’ dad has never parented them or shown any interest but I have never stopped them from seeing him on the odd occasion when he chose to. Now as adults they see him as the sad arsehole he is but I think they would have resented me had I refused access.

@Maldivesdream Yes, I am now no contact with either of them.

I don't remember mine. He too struggled to attend contact once my Mum stopped going as well.

I never saw him again and he died when I was a teenager and i didnt know until later.

My greatest regret is that I didnt push for contact when I was young. I was too scared to ask because I knew my Mum didnt want me to see him.

Its crap and I literally would've given anything to have seen him at just one Christmas or birthday and I am very sad that I didnt ever get that. And that it was never my choice to have contact.

I didnt have any male role models or consistent people in my life so maybe that makes a difference but it has really impacted me.

No sadly for her I didn’t! Ibizafun you always hear about children apparently hating having a step father or their mum having a new boyfriend so I was shocked she was practically begging me to find her a dad. She has autism so she couldn’t understand why she simply couldn’t just get a new dad. But being a lone parent and with no family help it’s just not possible for me to date so she’s had to accept it.

My experience with children and absent fathers is that they would rather see the father and him be rubbish than have no contact at all, that’s what mine have said anyway so it kind of goes against what people say about having no dad is better than having an inconsistent one.

I didnt have any male role models or consistent people in my life so maybe that makes a difference but it has really impacted me.

That’s the same for my children and I think that makes a big difference. Like I said my daughter became obsessed with her teacher as she just isn’t around men usually, there are no males in her life (granddads, uncles etc) that she became clingy to him. I think if children have other male influences then they probably won’t be as affected by an absent father as those that don’t.