If your children no longer see their father...

[RedShark]

Whether it was within your control or not...
How have they coped with the experience?
Do you wish you’d have done anything differently or was it the only way forward for you all?

After seperating just before lockdown I spent his contact time with them initially so DCs were comfortable (he was never very hands on so being left alone would have been unusual for them, 5 and 18 months) but as I started to go to town/for a coffee during contact time, he started being flaky with contact.
He then told me he couldn’t commit to seeing them and hasn’t been around for the last 3 months. He asked to come at Christmas to give them gifts but I said unless it was alongside the restarting of regular contact, not to bother as it will unsettle them. So he’s not coming.
Just looking for some other experiences and maybe validation that I’ve done the right thing despite this being his choice

I’m lucky in that my DH treats my two from a previous relationship just the same as our two together. Their dad hasn’t seen them since my son was a year old and he’s only met my daughter once.

To be honest, I’m glad he doesn’t want to see them. He’s an awful human being and they deserve better in a father. Neither of them has ever mentioned it as before DH they haven’t got any memories of having a ‘father figure’ in their lives.

I think you should ask your DC's. You would need to explain to them that daddy loves them and is coming to see them and always will when he can. And take lots of Christmas pictures for them with him.

Some useful insights here, I’m glad I posted so thank you again all.
@Kanaloa that’s lovely that your DH has taken that role on and from what others have said I think having that father figure around must really help to fill the void left by an absent parent. They do have good male role models within our family that they see often and whilst I’m not intending on any relationship for some time I’m only 24 so I would hope one day there would be someone else down the line.
I have a meeting later this morning with school to discuss everything and see what support they can offer. I work there anyway so know the staff well and trust that they would help in whatever way they can.
Thank you again all x

I’m not sure it’s relevant or not but he does have a lot going on in terms of mental health issues, he is a textbook narcissist and he does really struggle to see that it’s a two way street with the children (he will get cross at DS for not listening when he speaks whilst he’s spent the last 30 mins idle on his phone for example, he just expects respect)
I really feel like I spent the whole of lockdown facilitating their relationship whilst trying to give EXH a sense of independence in his decisions as a parent etc and encouraging the kids to play and respect and listen to him. There’s only so much I can do though without him needing to step up and this is the crux of why our marriage ended really

I too became obsessed with male teachers and the idea they could be a Dad. Somewhat embarrassing to think of now.

But thinking back I think my first male teacher was the first male role model I had as he taught me for two years. What's worse is he really was an awful teacher and although the school did notice and ask my Mum if they could offer support she refused outright.

Said that if I needed help she'd get a professional ad it couldn't possibly be to do with her being a single parent. She was always sure she was being discriminated against for being one.

Even now in my 30s I have to fight against wanting to recognise male bosses and mentors as father figures.

I would have someone independently speak to the kids about what they want as well as yourself. In case they feel pressured to respond in a certain way to please you. Kids pick up on likes and dislikes very easily so they may realise that you're not overly keen on your ex and try and factor that it as well.