First Date, no feels

[liky]

So I met up with a guy in a coffee date- we met on a dating app and have been messaging about a week.
He's very funny, very much what I am looking for in a LTR morals & character wise (as much as I can tell at this stage).

So we met yesterday, just for a quick coffee as we are both WFH, but wanted to try and meet before lockdown.

We got on really well during the 'date' and he seems really genuine and he's interesting to chat to.

I am a casual dresser, but I made the effort to put on make-up etc and dress well.
He turned up a bit scruffy. I think he had made the effort too, we just have different standards I think.

Obviously we didn't kiss or touch because of SD.

I don't fancy him, but his personality is very attractive to me. (He's average rather than bad looking, but I think his dress sense etc puts me off).

He wanted to meet up again, and I would because I enjoyed his company, even if I didn't fancy him.

I guess we could for a SD walk, the problem is because we can't kiss etc so I can't tell if I will get the feels (sorry for using that word).
If the guy is a good kisser then I could overlook the scruffiness.

What does everyone think? Is it possible to fancy someone as you get to know them rather than instantly? I've always had instant attraction to my ex's.

Haven't you got 5 hours to go and kiss him?

I would say to give him a bit more of a chance if you enjoyed the date and he has a lot of qualities you are looking for. What’s the harm in seeing him again and getting to know him a bit better? Perhaps with a bit more time you will be able to decide whether it’s worth continuing or not.

You must think he is somewhat attractive if you saw his photos online and agreed to meet? In my experience sometimes the spark takes a little time to develop, particularly before the first kiss when you can usually tell if it’s there or not 😊

It's a bit disrespectful to show up looking scruffy, isn't it? He's supposed to be showing his best side. It's one thing dressing casually but scruffiness is very different.

Had something similar once, guy rocks up for a drink in a pub wearing a creased and slightly dirty looking hoody. It was a Sunday night so admittedly a casual kind of evening but even so!

I think when you want a relationship, you can often overlook the glaringly obvious. Scruffy people are often messy in everything they do. If you don’t really fancy him and he is average looking to you, why continue?

How scruffy is scruffy?
I've had two scruffy exes and they were scruffy in other areas of life too. I didn't mind the scruffiness at first but it was wearing after a while.
I think if your first impression is scruffy then it's never going to get better than that - he'd presumably made some kind of effort before the date.
That's his standard - and his everyday standard will be lower.
If you want to, maybe go on another date and see how he dresses then.

Attraction is chemical. If I don't fancy someone I don't. If you could smell him and didn't get an inkling, I wouldn't bother.

My ex was a proper scruff - scruffy clothes and shoes, long dirty fingernails, long hair that never got brushed, filthy messy house, never cleaned his teeth for about 5 years, wouldnt go to the dentist when one of the front ones broke. Never made any effort generally with anything. I just couldnt get past any of that. Hes now apparently dating someone new who lives miles away and hasnt yet been invited back to his pigsty of a house..

I turned up to meet dp in hiking gear (we had arranged to go walking) he had a smart shirt and obviously his good jeans etc. Oops. Well I'm sitting curled up on his sofa so thankfully looks didn't matter to him (buying a house currently!).

I didn't 'fancy' my DP at first, although lived who he was. As I fell for him I found him hotter and hotter physically!

*loved ffs

I’d say clothes don’t matter ... but you need to fancy him. I went out with someone for months not fancying him. Shouldn’t have done it

Maybe I've over-stated the scruffiness, my last ex was very well presented & corporate (which I like the aesthetic of, but we had nothing in common) this new guy is more creative and we have more in common - but I want to give him a make-over!
He could be so much more 'my type' physically.

He didn't want to kiss me in the date because of COVID as cases are riding in our area even though I would have just to know if there's any point going further.

Sorry. So many typos!

I think meet a few more times so you can guage his standard of attire over a period of time. Then if the first date was at his best and it's more downhill after, you'll have a better idea - and won't want to bother with a kiss

Do clothes maketh the man?

How scruffy is scruffy in your eyes?

Suit and tie for ex but the this guy turns up in something that doesn't match your previous standards...what is he can't afford the 'nice' stuff?

On the other hand if you don't fancy him let him go, I'd hate to be waiting for someone only to be told later down the line they don't want any involvement with me.

*What if he can't afford

@AskEvans

Do clothes maketh the man?

When we are trying to make good first impressions yes.

All my ex's didn't wear suits & ties, but were always nicely dressed/presented.
If anything I was the scruffy one, I have had to up my game as I'm older and can't get anyway with looking like a student in the 90s.
The new guy has a decent job, I don't think he can't afford newer clothes.

I agree on needing to kiss. I didn't fancy my ex at all but the first time we kissed the chemistry was insane.

Describe scruffy?

Though honestly without any immediate attraction is save your energy.

I wouldn't say a coffee date in the day requires smart dressing so if he turned up in a t-shirt/jeans I would say that was fine...depends what he was wearing.

I am not one to physically fancy people straight away, regardless of how good looking they might be, as it needs to be about more than looks for me so I have usually given men second dates if I liked their personality and wasn't repulsed by them and usually I have grown more attracted to them.

You will get a lot of people saying if you don't fancy him straight away then don't bother though so depends how you feel about it I guess.

With lockdown upon us I wouldn't have thought you'd get the chance to be going on any more dates with anyone else for a while so maybe there's no harm in getting to know him a bit better while you have this time.

Just to add, there was no immediate fireworks on my first date with my bf but we got on really well and I liked his face. We have now been together 14 months so it would have been a terrible lost opportunity if I'd decided I didn't fancy him enough on that first date.

I don't think you should be dating a man you want to "makeover", there's nothing wrong with you wanting him to dress smarter, but there's also nothing wrong with him dressing as he chooses to. He's a person, not a project. I think you have to decide if you can accept him as he is.... if you can, then it sounds like you have plenty other things in common. If you can't, then you know where you both stand.

Maybe I’m weird but I’d need to fancy someone to kiss them not the other way round.