First Date, no feels

[liky]

So I met up with a guy in a coffee date- we met on a dating app and have been messaging about a week.
He's very funny, very much what I am looking for in a LTR morals & character wise (as much as I can tell at this stage).

So we met yesterday, just for a quick coffee as we are both WFH, but wanted to try and meet before lockdown.

We got on really well during the 'date' and he seems really genuine and he's interesting to chat to.

I am a casual dresser, but I made the effort to put on make-up etc and dress well.
He turned up a bit scruffy. I think he had made the effort too, we just have different standards I think.

Obviously we didn't kiss or touch because of SD.

I don't fancy him, but his personality is very attractive to me. (He's average rather than bad looking, but I think his dress sense etc puts me off).

He wanted to meet up again, and I would because I enjoyed his company, even if I didn't fancy him.

I guess we could for a SD walk, the problem is because we can't kiss etc so I can't tell if I will get the feels (sorry for using that word).
If the guy is a good kisser then I could overlook the scruffiness.

What does everyone think? Is it possible to fancy someone as you get to know them rather than instantly? I've always had instant attraction to my ex's.

@torquewench

My ex was a proper scruff - scruffy clothes and shoes, long dirty fingernails, long hair that never got brushed, filthy messy house, never cleaned his teeth for about 5 years, wouldnt go to the dentist when one of the front ones broke. Never made any effort generally with anything. I just couldnt get past any of that. Hes now apparently dating someone new who lives miles away and hasnt yet been invited back to his pigsty of a house..

I'm surprised you got past the starting line ! 🙀

It took me a while to realise about the lack of dental hygeine - after Id stayed over a couple of times I noticed there was no toothbrush or toothpaste in his bathroom 🤢
I can remember being driven in his (filthy, smelly, messy) van and having to open the window while he was speaking cos I was literally gagging at the stench 😖

I would say if you're not feeling it from the start then don't waste too much time forcing yourself to develop feelings...

@torquewench Wow, how many times did you see him? Ugh!

@liky I'd say if you don't fancy him, you don't fancy him. Clothes indicate something about a person. I met someone from PoF for a date once and he wore a floral sprigged shirt and a brown suit. It was probably a really expensive outfit, but to me it was over the top and odd when just meeting someone for a drink on a Saturday afternoon. A bit try-hard. My point isn't that suits are wrong, but you can tell something about people's personalities from their choice of outfit.

Especially during Covid people shouldn't even be dating anyway, so that's a good excuse not to waste time on someone you don't fancy.

You have doubts, so I think not. Covid may be an excuse, but it's not kind to him or you to continue.

@User7644

I don't think you should be dating a man you want to "makeover", there's nothing wrong with you wanting him to dress smarter, but there's also nothing wrong with him dressing as he chooses to. He's a person, not a project. I think you have to decide if you can accept him as he is.... if you can, then it sounds like you have plenty other things in common. If you can't, then you know where you both stand.

I know he's not a project. I don't want to have a project either.

@Angelina82

Maybe I’m weird but I’d need to fancy someone to kiss them not the other way round.

Me too.

Obviously kissing was off the cards because of COVID

He was scruffy, not disgusting.
I think jeans and T-shirt can look smart, it's how you wear clothes as much as anything.
I'm not high-maintenance and don't dress up very often. I prefer relaxed places to eat/drink. He chose to meet in one of the 'nicest' places in town, I would have chosen somewhere more casual.

For me physical attraction can definitely grow over time and generally does if the personality is also very attractive. And personality is very important in an LTR - a handsome git is no use to anyone. If you have a good feeling about him personality-wise, in your shoes I would allow a bit of time to see if physical attraction will grow. That said, I do think the physical attraction should start quite soon after meeting – if you meet several times and after that are still not feeling physically attracted then I think this man is probably not for you but I wouldn’t rule him out immediately.

"What does everyone think? Is it possible to fancy someone as you get to know them rather than instantly? I've always had instant attraction to my ex's."

I wasn't attracted to my DP in the slightest in the way of looks when we first met but his personality won me over so I continued to date him... now, I think he is both very attractive looks wise and personality wise 😍
It obviously doesn't work for everyone but it did for me.