Am I over reacting?

[Elraga3]

Hi all, I need some perspective about whether I'm being totally ridiculous or whether I should confront my husband about something.
Ive been with my husband for about 13 years and we have been happily married with the normal ups and downs you expect in any relationship. We have 3 young children all under 4 yrs old and we rarely have time to our selves

I gave birth to our 3rd child last month and have been feeling really insecure about my body and weight gain
My husband takes care of himself and exercises obsessively so I feel particularly insecure around body image. I also feel this pregnancy has taken its toll on me physically and I've been left with all manner of unpleasant womens health problems! (without going into details.)
I know my husband likes me when I'm in shape (although he wouldn't say that outloud) but at the moment I have zero energy to do anything about my appearance

A couple of nights ago I looked at my DHs phone and found that he'd been looking up images of this famous and very pretty woman after I'd gone to sleep. He specifically was searching 'cleavege' images of her so I presume he was looking for some material to wank to.
What annoys me is that this specific woman he's looked up is half his age, a blonde and impossibly skinny.
.... Like what's wrong with women who actually look like child bearing women.... ?!! Why are men so fking predictable?!

I know lots of men look at porn and social media at other women, but i can't help but feel really upset and hurt that he would do this just after I've given birth.. It feels sneaky and hurtful and a betrayal in some ways.
I know I shouldn't be looking through his phone but I suppose I am suspicious and feeling insecure and a bit crap about myself

Am I being totally ridiculous? Do I say anything? If I did then he would probably be furious that I looked through his phone

Men are dicks!! Probably not even some, but all of them!
I’m sorry you’re going through this.

You have had three children one after the other. I have been there. I had three children in four years, and it was exhausting when the third one was born.
You do not need to be thinking about getting your body back into shape. You need to be thinking about getting through each day and hopefully getting a decent night's sleep. You must be exhausted.
Your husband needs a kick right up his arse for being so cruel. I hope you give it to him

No not at all, you've just had a babe, could he be protective of not having sex with you after the birth, hense the porn.

Even so if it upsets you tell him.
I think I would just sit with my phone next to him looking at other mens dicks all night, see if he likes it.

hence

Why were you looking at his phone? His search history was very tame anyway. He doesn't deserve grief for it.

You've just had a baby and he doesn't want to pester you. Let him have an innocent wank in peace. He's not cheating or doing anything abusive to anybody. He hasn't done anything wrong.

The real issue is that you're feeling insecure because you're body isn't back to normal yet. That takes time. In the meantime, I think the fact that all you found was pretty photos of a celebrity shows you've nothing to worry about with him. That's a reason to feel secure.

Don't confront him with this, he'll feel pissed off that you violated his privacy and are trying to control him to the point where you're getting upset with him over looking at a famous person. That will make him distrust you and drive a wedge.

He hasn't done anything wrong.

If he's got time to look up wank material he has got time to pitch in more around the house. Less work for you would do wonders for your recover.

To be honest op I don’t think privately looking at “cleavage” shots of a famous woman is actually cruel. Because it’s not like he was doing ir in front of you and You shouldn’t have been looking through his internet search history. And the mans allowed to masturbate, if indeed that’s what he was doing tk that rather tame search. It’s hardly porn.

I think the issue here is how you feel about yourself, getting upset because he looked at a famous woman with a low cut top. Or had a wank, isn’t going to solve that issue.

You’ve just had a baby, focus on your baby and your mental health. Honestly this is something and nothing 💐

@willowmelangell

If he's got time to look up wank material he has got time to pitch in more around the house. Less work for you would do wonders for your recover.

Seriously? The dudes not allowed to have a wank and should be doing house work instead in the five mins he has spare for that?

That’s not unreasonable at all. 😂

I can dee why you'd feel hurt by it but I honestly wouldn't worry about it.

I would worry about what he is doing to make sure you have the time and energy to feel great.
-getting a good night's sleep
-getting fresh air and some form if exercise every day even if it's just getting to 10,000 steps (or whatever is appropriate for your health right now)

• being able to eat nutritious food.

Is he making sure that can happen? It's not fair if he's keeping himself in shape while youre taking care if everything and he's not returning the favour.

That's a good idea re: looking at dick pics whilst sat next to him. Can you imagine?! But also gross.
I don't think my husband is being protective and not approaching me for sex as he already has. I think he's just maybe he's just not as into me atm given that I am post partum, exhausted and bad tempered sometimes!!

I agree I think i will have to talk to him about it as its really bothering me. I know what he's done means nothing but i feel particularly sensitive and unappreciated atm. X

@Bluntness100

To be honest op I don’t think privately looking at “cleavage” shots of a famous woman is actually cruel. Because it’s not like he was doing ir in front of you and You shouldn’t have been looking through his internet search history. And the mans allowed to masturbate, if indeed that’s what he was doing tk that rather tame search. It’s hardly porn.

I think the issue here is how you feel about yourself, getting upset because he looked at a famous woman with a low cut top. Or had a wank, isn’t going to solve that issue.

You’ve just had a baby, focus on your baby and your mental health. Honestly this is something and nothing 💐

Thank you Bluntness 100 for your reply. I know your right, this is about how I'm feeling about myself. I know I really dislike my body atm and I need to work on that.. But it would be so lovely to have a compliment or some sort of reassurance from my OH to let me know that he still likes me, even if I'm not looking my best. It feels like a bit of a slap in the face that he looks elsewhere but I guess it's relatively harmless.... Its not porn like you said. Still I can't shake the fact that it bothers me. I guess maybe I'm being a bit unfair...

How does he have the time and energy to exercise obsessively when you have 3 small children?

He might exercise for an hour every single day but not watch tv/ be on social media, like 90% of UK people do?

Response to DropOfff above

Does OP have an hour to herself every day?

.... Like what's wrong with women who actually look like child bearing women.... ?!! Why are men so fking predictable?!

No offence but what does a child bearing women look like?

Lots of women I know are naturally thin and returned to that by a reasonable period of time period after having their child/ren.

Some babies are so demanding that the mother loses weight quite quickly because they barely get time to eat or sit down.

Women have all different figures, including child bearing ones.

Then people have a type (or types) for what they find most attractive .. and that's likely to be narrower for purely fantasy/sexual than for relationships. If I wanted to look up images for purely eye candy/visual stimulation, I'd be likely to be looking up very buff actors, male models (Ruben Cortada, for example), fitness models, and European policemen & militia since the MN thread about them ); not the much wider range of men I could find attractive or develop mini crushes on (including not buff, older men).

He hasn't stuck it in your face, you went through his phone.

However, if he's a fitness fanatic .. is he pulling his weight with these babies and small children?

You're only a month post partum, that's an incredibly short time. As others have said concentrate on your physical and mental health. If you're unhappy with your weight etc later, focus on it then. You have an incredible amount on your plate, I hope he's doing his bit.

I hope he's helping you as much as he can, because 3 under 4 is truly in the trenches and you need support and kindness.

@DropOfffArtiste

How does he have the time and energy to exercise obsessively when you have 3 small children?

That's a good question... He wakes up at 5.30 am every week day and goes running before work. I don't see him in the mornings as he's out before anyone is up.

This obsession is something I've had to accept over the years. If he could he'd be at the gym 2 x per day!
If I didn't let him do it then he'd be horribly bad tempered. I know when I need to exercise he will make time for me to do so, so he is considerate in that way. Atm I have no wish to go running or do some crazy circuits training.... So his exercise routines seems more irritating than ever! The truth is I give him time to exercise for his mental health. . But I feel like my own sanity is starting to go 😕

@DropOfffArtiste

Does OP have an hour to herself every day?

Thank you for asking!! No I don't have time to myself atm, the odd hr in the evening if my OH isn't working and on the wkend when OH is at home. I'm trying to find time but it's difficult.... Lockdown hasn't helped either as there isn't family support. These are difficult times for the whole world....

Is he doing 50% of the nights? Caring for the other 2 children if you are breastfeeding?

Something has to give when you have 3 kids under 4 and if he is bad-tempered as well this doesn't sound good.

You don't want the time out for exercise at the moment (naturally, one month post partum!) but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have time out to get a break. Would he be amenable to that?

I had 3 children under 4 and its very exhausting. Your husband has done nothing wrong. Don't tell him you looked through his phone. It's such a violation of his privacy. Whether you're feeling insecure or not. It's not ok.

Tell him you feel insecure at the moment. I'm sure he will reassure you and help you get back to your old self with time and patience. Ask him to hug you more and have a cuddle and a chat when the kids are asleep.

Sorry you are feeling low about yourself. But don't take this out on your husband. Ask him to get you through this together.

GilbertMarkam

'' No offence but what does a child bearing women look like?

Lots of women I know are naturally thin and returned to that by a reasonable period of time period after having their child/ren.''

GilbertMarkam I agree with you all women are different and there is no exact 'post partum' body. I think I am just alluding to the fact that my husband prefers to look at women who look around 18. Women who don't look old enough to have children. Or maybe they did when they were extremely young!

I guess mens fantasies are as old as the hills...young, nubile etc.

I met my husband when I was 19 and he was 29 so maybe that his thing... Young women.. I feel. Distinctly old right now!!

My husband is pretty secretive at looking at porn (I know he does so it occasionally probably like most men) but what bothers me is the women he always looks at are the TOTAL opposite to me. Almost a different race. He likes blondes, fair skin and large breasts and super skinny.

I am dark skinned, massive curly hair, athletic and small breasted. It begs the question of whether I am indeed his type at all. Maybe I am overanalysing 🙄

You've had 3 kids and 13years together with this guy, there must be more to your relationship than just a superficial "type".

How is your relationship in other ways? Do you feel loved, supported, valued? Do you have any other reasons to feel insecure?