Am I over reacting?

[Elraga3]

Hi all, I need some perspective about whether I'm being totally ridiculous or whether I should confront my husband about something.
Ive been with my husband for about 13 years and we have been happily married with the normal ups and downs you expect in any relationship. We have 3 young children all under 4 yrs old and we rarely have time to our selves

I gave birth to our 3rd child last month and have been feeling really insecure about my body and weight gain
My husband takes care of himself and exercises obsessively so I feel particularly insecure around body image. I also feel this pregnancy has taken its toll on me physically and I've been left with all manner of unpleasant womens health problems! (without going into details.)
I know my husband likes me when I'm in shape (although he wouldn't say that outloud) but at the moment I have zero energy to do anything about my appearance

A couple of nights ago I looked at my DHs phone and found that he'd been looking up images of this famous and very pretty woman after I'd gone to sleep. He specifically was searching 'cleavege' images of her so I presume he was looking for some material to wank to.
What annoys me is that this specific woman he's looked up is half his age, a blonde and impossibly skinny.
.... Like what's wrong with women who actually look like child bearing women.... ?!! Why are men so fking predictable?!

I know lots of men look at porn and social media at other women, but i can't help but feel really upset and hurt that he would do this just after I've given birth.. It feels sneaky and hurtful and a betrayal in some ways.
I know I shouldn't be looking through his phone but I suppose I am suspicious and feeling insecure and a bit crap about myself

Am I being totally ridiculous? Do I say anything? If I did then he would probably be furious that I looked through his phone

I am dark skinned, massive curly hair, athletic and small breasted. It begs the question of whether I am indeed his type at all. Maybe I am overanalysing 🙄

That's how you just described yourself .You sound hot !

I am blonde and fair skinned with huge boobs I'm not super skinny though lols I'm a stone over my usual slim frame ( lockdown) eating ! if I'm out and about with my dh he's drawn to women exactly like you just described yourself ! It's just variety isn't it . Not nice I know .
I'd be hurt too if my dh was focusing on a particular girl and you should talk to him about that . My dh watches porn the odd time too as do I if I feel like it very rarely . I'm not a fan of porn but it's there and it's not going away .... it's nothing to do with you hon I bet your absolutely beautiful 😍 Do have a chat with him though xx

@Iloveme30

I am dark skinned, massive curly hair, athletic and small breasted. It begs the question of whether I am indeed his type at all. Maybe I am overanalysing 🙄

That's how you just described yourself .You sound hot !

I am blonde and fair skinned with huge boobs I'm not super skinny though lols I'm a stone over my usual slim frame ( lockdown) eating ! if I'm out and about with my dh he's drawn to women exactly like you just described yourself ! It's just variety isn't it . Not nice I know .
I'd be hurt too if my dh was focusing on a particular girl and you should talk to him about that . My dh watches porn the odd time too as do I if I feel like it very rarely . I'm not a fan of porn but it's there and it's not going away .... it's nothing to do with you hon I bet your absolutely beautiful 😍 Do have a chat with him though xx

Iloveme30 bless you! That's very kind of you to say 😊

Your right about men and variety... I guess maybe men like a selection of different type of women to look at. Beauty comes in different shapes and sizes.

I actually spoke to OH last night about everything. He explained why he used porn.... Which is the first time in 13 yrs he's ever admitted to actually watching it, which in itself is a breakthrough. He's always denied it or been very evasive when I've asked him in the past.
In a way I feel better now I know he uses it, it feels less secretive. I get why he uses it as a distraction or way to relax , but i cant say I'm totally comfortable with it. As long as its not in my face I guess.
I have watched porn a handful of times but truthfully I feel a bit grossed out by it afterward. I wish i could understand mens brains and how they work! Then I might not be so wounded by supposedly a relatively normal act of him watching it!

@DropOfffArtiste

You've had 3 kids and 13years together with this guy, there must be more to your relationship than just a superficial "type".

How is your relationship in other ways? Do you feel loved, supported, valued? Do you have any other reasons to feel insecure?

DropofffArtiste we have a good relationship and he is a very considerate and loving husband. Hes not perfect and nor am I. pregnancy and having 3 small children has put our marriage under strain. Intimacy isn't what it used to be, I certainly feel less desirable. I don't think my husband means to, but he's not great at initiating sex. It's something we've spoken about in the past but it's always been there in the relationship. In the early years of our relationship sex was fine and there was alot of it. But these days we have so much going on that it's difficult to find time for each other.. I am 10 yrs younger and my libido (when not pregnant or post partum) is higher than hism. This has caused problems in the past but I've learned to live with it. Truthfully intimacy has had to take a backseat with everything else going on in our lives. The truth is I love him and couldn't be without him but we don't have enough time for each other..

You don't have to be ok with and accept porn as an inevitable part of your relationship. You are entitled to have boundaries about what is and isn't acceptable in your sex life, and it seems like this is affecting your self-esteem and happiness.

fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-hurts-a-consumers-partner/

It seems he can find time and energy for the 5.30am starts to exercise. Did he have any suggestions about how he will make more time for you?

[quote DropOfffArtiste]You don't have to be ok with and accept porn as an inevitable part of your relationship. You are entitled to have boundaries about what is and isn't acceptable in your sex life, and it seems like this is affecting your self-esteem and happiness.

fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-hurts-a-consumers-partner/[/quote]
DropofffArtiste I truthfully have never considered porn as something to worry about as up until now I didn't realise my husband was using it regularly. Last night was the first time he actually admitted that he used it and he hadn't mentioned it before because he was embarrassed. He must be incredibly good at hiding his use or maybe he uses it so infrequently that I wouldn't have ever known about it until recently. I need to talk to him about it again.. It still doesn't sit comfortably with me and I find it difficult to imagine him masterbating over someone else whilst I'm upstairs breastfeeding our new born. It just jars and seems really wrong. And I feel shit about myself.I know other ppl on here have said that it's normal etc and I have nothing to worry about, but i cant see how looking at explicit images of other women can be good for a marriage? Especially when our own sex lives is not thriving
In conclusion I think this is a discussion that needs to be continued.

@DropOfffArtiste

It seems he can find time and energy for the 5.30am starts to exercise. Did he have any suggestions about how he will make more time for you?

To be fair to my OH he is going to give me the weekend to recover from a tough wk with the kids.. Where he can be, he is really considerate..x

Glad to hear it. Hope you get some rest this weekend. Everything is extra tough with lockdown and with small kids it can be relentless.