Work spouse

[MonClareDevole]

I seem to have acquired what others might call a ‘work husband’. We spend our breaks together, sometimes alone if he’s come to my office for a chat. We have a lot in common both inside and outside of work. We have been confiding in each other more lately, about work and non-work matters but never about our marriages.

My question is, are these types relationships unhealthy? Can men and women actually just have a purely platonic relationship? At what point does it become inappropriate?

I think the second someone uses that utterly nauseating term to describe a workplace relationship - that's your cue to dial back.

It is code for: you are both acting the twat and people are raising their eyebrows and sniggering when you're not in the room.

Stop it. You know what you're doing. Get your ego stroked elsewhere.

I definitely have a work husband! As his wife likes to say, we've shared a room for over 20 years, we squabble all the time and we dont have sex

I didn't know work husband was a bad term! I have always used it, mainly because we work in teams of two male/female. We work away from home, eat 3 meals a day together, go sightseeing etc.

I refer to ex work husbands too- those from previous projects.

I have worked this way for 20 years and in all that time there has been only one inappropriate relationship I have known of.

I have even been on weekend breaks abroad ( taking advantage of being there for work) with 6 of my colleagues ( husbands!) and nothing has ever happened.

But then none of us fancy each other.

... and everybody around you, PenguindreamsofDraco, rolls their eyes, gossips behind your back and thinks of you as pathetic. You more than him because patriachy.

You sound positively giddy.

If you wouldn't be happy with your DH doing what you are doing, then don't do it yourself.

I don't know, I mean the term work husband is awful, for all the sexist reasons PPs have mentioned

But I am not so sure anything inappropriate is going on, of course you can have very close relationships with men that are entirely platonic, I have many

To me, it just seems odd that people are so confused about what's appropriate, to me, it is not about how long you spend together or if you talk about private things, it's about what kind of feelings you have for each other, if they are romantic in any way, then yes, that's problem! can't you tell what you feel? even confusion can be an issue!

I think perhaps my personal dislike of this (ignoring the misogyny for a minute) is the drawing-in of other people to the 'drama' so that they become unwittingly complicit in the 'relationship'. It speaks volumes to me that it's unheard of for single people to claim work-wife/work-husband status, because there is no need for it. Why is there that need for people who are married? It sounds dodgy because it is.

I was reminded earlier of my first job in the typing pool in the local council; I was 18. My first day meeting my new colleagues, trying to remember names and being told categorically by 'Linda' to remember at all times that 'Nigel' next door was her work-husband and that any messages taken for him should be given to her to deliver. What did I care? I was more concerned about finding my way around the huge, old building.

As the weeks progressed, 'Nigel' used to come into the office a lot. I was the youngest by about 20 years and perhaps that was the draw. I had no interest but 'Linda' would cold-shoulder me and remind me of her 'status' as office-wife, getting approval and back-up from others in the team.

'Nigel's' real life wife popped in at one point, I think she'd worked there previously. Naively I was expecting real-wife and work-wife to be pally since they had 'Nigel' in common but work-wife went very, very quiet and 'Nigel' blanked her.

The penny dropped and I saw it for what it was. Just two silly people, one of them utterly deluded and needing therefore to make it real by involving other people. Not so different from an OW at all.

The point is, if this is innocent and there is no sexual frisson at all, then really, what's the point in making out that the relationship is one of anything other than colleague with friendship? I think some posters are being incredibly disingenuous and, as with OW who feel pilloried on being questioned, work-wives will just join them, underground.

It's all a bit silly and nobody's really fooled. It is bloody annoying though being co-opted into the fakery and I want no part of it.

Eesh, the term 'work wife' for me implies being the person you can dump the boring, routine crapola onto without paying them anymore or particularly acknowledging their extra contribution. Can't say I'd be flattered by that.

Word husband (or wife) is an awful term. Yes there may be people you work with more, or have common interests, and talk to more, and it can be a positive and healthy thing. If such chats are only at work and you never meet elsewhere, I think it's OK.

If you end up having sex on the Boardroom table I would say thats inappropriate and you've probably crossed a line

I think it can be used to imply the things mentioned above, in terms of power imbalance, delegation of wife work etc. I also think its a naff term used to describe a really close working relationship of a man and woman if they work closely in a team of two, are often together, have each others backs and are a really successful partnership. Because another type of really successful partnership is a marriage.
I've heard it used by mixed sex teams on the ambulance programme for example.

I don't know, I'm not a fan, but I don't think it's always awful.
I would probably discourage people using the term if I heard them use it. But I don't think there is actually anything wrong with the relationship you have as you described it.

From what you've described, currently your relationship with your colleague/friend sounds like a good and healthy one.

Granted, everyone has they're own boundaries. And as shown by pp's above. The issue here isn't that you've used the term 'work husband' or that colleagues have said it. It's about how you feel about the relationship.

It doesn't take a genius to know, that situations like yours can progress to where lines are crossed, feelings deeper than friendship are developed etc. Hence why you asked? (I guess!)
If you feel like there is no physical attraction there to start with, and that you couldn't see him in any other vain than colleague/friend. Then you should be ok with remaining in control, and not letting the lines blur.

I've just said goodbye to my best work friend, as he's left for better things. Difference for us being; that although some boundaries were still in place, and nothing really 'happened', there were a few 'moments' across the years, and we were far too invested in one another. We argued constantly. (Colleagues would call us 'like an old married couple') And when we weren't, we'd be too close. I initially (naively) thought we'd be able to strike a balance, of being there for each other professionally, whilst having a trusting, fun friendship. It was doomed from the get go.

Because I KNEW I was attracted to him, I knew long before I admitted to myself, that we liked each other more than we should.

He's gone now, and I'm left feeling numb. But I know now, I never want to get that close to anyone again.

Just tread carefully OP. A blurry friendship is a complete head and heart fucker

Thanks @looop. After today I think I need to start being a bit more honest with myself and accepting certain feelings so that I can nip this in the bud.

That is such an insightful and wise post, looop. From my experience, when you could still get out unscathed there's no reason to. By the time you realise that you're in too deep and that whatever you do your heart will be broken, it's all far too late.

I hope you recover soon.

I've had a "work husband" before. He was lovely. We'd chat, socialise in a group outside of work and eat lunch together every day just the two of us. Really easy relationship. Both young and single. No attraction on either part. I called him my "lunch buddy". Other people knew we were good friends and I think there was gossip.

I have another colleague where the lines, to me, are getting blurred. He's older, more senior and the level of friendly chit chatting between us is increasing. I enjoy being in his company and he's told me he likes talking to me. We are confiding in each other more and more. Nothing has happened but to me at least I feel a frisson. Sometimes I think it's mutual, but I'm aware I may be looking for signs and projecting. We very rarely mention our spouses when speaking but do mention our children. There is a "charge" for want of a better word when some evenings we were the last ones remaining in work. Nobody would ever think to refer to us as "work spouse" even though in this case I am scared that my feelings are increasing which is dangerous territory! I need to reread looop wise words.

MonClareDevole Good luck. I tried many, many times. But once I'd gone, I'd 'gone' if you know what I mean? We went round in circles constantly, and that cycle was never going to break until through circumstance we were separated. I knew for me/us, that was the only way it would end.

Thank you LyingWitchInTheWardrobe. I guess along with the numbness I feel, I am reflecting on the last couple of years.
Though part me is grateful for the 'good' part of it, and the connection we had. I know the sensible thing is to let go. If it was ever meant to be anything more we'd have met at a different time. If it was ever to work out to be more in the future, again the circumstances would have to be different to what they are. That's the truth of it.
It seemed to me as we said goodbye, that he acknowledged this also. As the last thing he said to me was; 'See you in the next life'. Says it all.

HouseOfHearts Again thank you. It's the voice of experience! I've played a part in my own pain. But I know I am a 'live by the sword, die by the sword' kind of person. And although that's not likely to change, it does mean I only have myself to blame.

Just be careful of perceptions and what people pick up on.

I’m very happily married and have no desire whatsoever to cheat but I ended up in the unfortunate position of absolutely adoring my male boss, long before he was my manager!

I obviously gave off some kind of vibe because it wasn’t long before everyone in the office was joking and gossiping about us behind our backs, which has caused me no end of humiliation and anxiety!

I think people can just pick up on body language and that kind of thing, so if you like someone more than others it stands out to everyone!

It’s sad when you’ve done nothing wrong to have to distance yourself from someone you like but I think sometimes it’s best that way if it’s all getting unprofessional even through no fault of your own.

That’s what I’ve tried to do. Ultimately you are there to work not make friends

Oh god. The cringe. 😬

I would be LIVID if my husband had someone who he had a 'work wife' relationship with.

How would you feel op?

And on the other side, i've had three male work friends in the past when I was younger who I used to lunch with.

Without fail each time they ALL made a pass at me at some point. I felt nothing for them but they only invested the time because they wanted in my knickers.

I was work husband to someone. I get it wasn't acting as marital husband but it did reflect something more than being a colleague but not something that went far out of work. We'd do each other's bad jobs if one had a bad day. Sort home admin out for each other when stressed. Made a fuss and cakes on birthdays. Knew what was going on at home for each other. Maybe even a bit of protecting each other. In some respects and from a work POV we became interchangeable.

Two guys each married, no funny business, families acknowledged it, and just a work bond that made the bad days much bearable and the fun that bit funner.

Not especially keen on the term either but it's more than just colleagues or purely professional.

I used to have a work dad. It's just a phrase. A joke. It means nothing a d people seem to get a bit het up about it.

Yes there can be platonic relationships. I've had a few. As soon as you see it turning, you move away.

I had a close male friend st work. My partner knew of him. Knew there was no threat. No reason not to continue.

BibbityBobbityBellend

You said about seeing when the relationship is turning from purely platonic to something more - what are the signs? What did you recognise changed between you both?

Great name btw

Sounds ok to me although if one of you start confiding in each other about personal things and marriage, that would be crossing the line a bit. Depends on the situation though. Sometimes it might give the guy the impression that it's a type of invitation to get involved.

@HouseOfHearts ha! Thanks.

I think it would be inappropriate comments, looks etc. Possibly not even anything tangible but noticing a difference in mannerisms.

My hard rule is to never act in a way that would be inappropriate if my partner were there and I expect the same from them.