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Original poster

Work spouse

86 replies

MonClareDevole · 03/11/2020 20:02

I seem to have acquired what others might call a ‘work husband’. We spend our breaks together, sometimes alone if he’s come to my office for a chat. We have a lot in common both inside and outside of work. We have been confiding in each other more lately, about work and non-work matters but never about our marriages.

My question is, are these types relationships unhealthy? Can men and women actually just have a purely platonic relationship? At what point does it become inappropriate?

OP posts:
LazyLucille · 03/11/2020 21:10

Are people calling him your work husband or are you saying you have seen that phrase used in an unrelated way?

I don't necessarily think it's bad but people may start to gossip if you always single each other out.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 03/11/2020 21:15

MonClareDevole, No, I mean when somebody refers to him as your 'work husband' you say, "Don't be ridiculous, we're colleagues". There's nothing else you need to say but if you don't, then on some level, the term must please you. If you're married then put a stop to it.

If you are both single though - crack on!

Onthedunes · 03/11/2020 21:15

If someone else has termed the phrase Work husband at you then yes other people have noticed and you obviously feel guilty enough to ask for advice.

You sound as though you have a concience , you know what to do.

LightThatFire · 03/11/2020 21:19

Horrible phrase. Do you think his wife will be happy with you describing him as husband?

MrsSpringfield · 03/11/2020 21:26

I don't think I would be happy if my husband had a 'work wife' and continuously spent lunch breaks in her office and everyone in the company thought of the two of them in a work 'couple' kind of a way.

Too close. Nice to have a friend but cool it a bit. For appearances sake if nothing else.

ReneeRol · 03/11/2020 21:38

Yes people can have opposite sex friends. I have more male friends than female ones.

People who refer to their opposite sex colleagues as their "work spouse" don't view that person as a friend. Friends are friends, not surrogate spouses.

If a male colleague called me their workwife, I'd think be was a creepy, fantasist nutjob and wouldn't be friends with him any longer.

ReneeRol · 03/11/2020 21:39

Yes people can have opposite sex friends. I have more male friends than female ones.

People who refer to their opposite sex colleagues as their "work spouse" don't view that person as a friend. Friends are friends, not surrogate spouses.

If a male colleague called me their workwife, I'd think be was a creepy, fantasist nutjob and wouldn't be friends with him any longer.

TheClitterati · 03/11/2020 21:55

I've been in a relationship like this with my colleagues for 20 years. There's never been even a hint of anything romantic between us. But we talk every day and text all the time about work & about personal things too. We are in contact on the weekends - we really like each other. We aren't really good friends. Of course it's possible. We've both been in relationships & both been single over the years it doesn't matter. We just have a great relationship.

ReneeRol · 03/11/2020 21:57

Yes people can have opposite sex friends. I have more male friends than female ones.

People who refer to their opposite sex colleagues as their "work spouse" don't view that person as a friend. Friends are friends, not surrogate spouses.

If a male colleague called me their workwife, I'd think be was a creepy, fantasist nutjob and wouldn't be friends with him any longer.

TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 03/11/2020 22:30

How can you actually spend that much time with him. You're at work to work. There arent THAT many opportunities surely for enjoying each others company.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 03/11/2020 22:33

TheClitterati, Me too. He's not a work husband though, he's my colleague and we're great mates outside of work. That's it. I would be annoyed to be described as his 'work wife' though, I have no role as 'wife' to him and don't want that role either.

Sounds like a similar set-up to the one you have.

Japanesejazz · 03/11/2020 22:35

I have a work husband
We talk every day about work- he’s my best friend at work
He knows only the basics about my personal life and I only know the basics of his
We depend on each other every weekday, but we never speak outside of work

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 03/11/2020 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 03/11/2020 22:41

What is 'husband' about that, Japanesejazz? I'm genuinely curious. It sounds like a good friendship that doesn't have the elements of a close personal relationship.

Japanesejazz · 03/11/2020 22:44

I have a work husband
We talk every day about work- he’s my best friend at work
He knows only the basics about my personal life and I only know the basics of his
We depend on each other every weekday, but we never speak outside of work

Fuggly · 03/11/2020 22:44

I have a “work husband” - have worked together for 17 years and talk about everything. He’s married and i know and get on with his wife. I’m in a newish relationship and he is very supportive and respective of that. Very rarely speak outside work, it doesn’t even cross my mind to contact him at weekends. Nothing romantic going on at all. But, he is not a flirty sort of man so i do wonder whether that is the deciding factor. I couldn’t have this sort of friendship with him if he was.

B1rdflyinghigh · 03/11/2020 22:53

I have a "work husband", he's absolutely lovely, joke with him and take the piss and really enjoy most days with him. Damn, he can be a grumpy bugger at times! Almost like being married! But I appreciate that he's been married for almost 25 years now. So I don't expect anything of him romantically. But he's got my back and I've got his. Occasionally real life is around and he checks in on me as I would with him as friends. But there's boundaries and we both know what they are.

ReneeRol · 03/11/2020 22:59

I wonder what all these men would think if they realised their female colleagues that they have chats with are calling them "work husbands"... Loons.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 04/11/2020 09:23

To be honest, I've never heard reference by men who use this term in anything but a jokey or even a sexist 'make the tea, woman!' way.
Conversely, any woman I've heard use the term about herself seems a bit breathless, about it, simpering on as if it's something to treasure. It's a relatively small sample admittedly, I don't ever recall playing along with it for either sex as I think it's a bit sad.

More than that, it's completely disrespectful to any actual spouse as it's appropriating and feigning a relationship that doesn't exist in reality.

It's quite possible that I'm overthinking it but I do believe that it's stepping outside the bounds - and for what, exactly? What is deficient in the term 'colleague', 'mate', and the like that it needs an implication of an intimate relationship added on - and a public declaration and acknowledgement at that? Weird!

GammyLeg · 04/11/2020 09:32

I have relationships like this with colleagues but I consider them friends. Giving them the “husband” label is really weird. It implies a domestic intimacy that doesn’t belong in a workplace.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 04/11/2020 09:44

I also think it sets women back in the workplace and we could really do without being seen as this faux 'replacement' for the wife at home. As if husbands need and are entitled to wrap-around 'wife-work'. Pathetic!

Actually, the more I think about it, I feel annoyed, not just with the men that jokingly do this but with the women who play up to it without realising that the joke's on them. We don't need this and it denigrates and diminishes all women by default.

If you're not having a sexual relationship with these men then honestly, what's in it for you to be publicly 'branded' in this way? Confused

Audreyseyebrows · 04/11/2020 09:49

Are you married op? Or in a relationship?

VivaMiltonKeynes · 04/11/2020 09:53

@MonClareDevole

I don’t think of him as a ‘work husband’ but I have heard other people use the term to describe the relationship we have. I favour him over other colleagues (personally, not professionally, we are in different departments of the company), so in that way we do have a unique friendship. I was just ultimately wondering if a line was being crossed in my interactions with him and the time we spend, sometimes alone, together.
The fact that you are asking this makes me feel that you are already seeing this in a different light.
TheoriginalLEM · 04/11/2020 09:57

Are you 14? I generally get on better with men than women, have had close friendships in the past and never felt the need to call them my work husband.

If it feels inappropriate maybe it is?

Gaoth · 04/11/2020 10:03

The term ‘work husband/wife/spouse’ is nauseating and suggests people are unable to conceive of collegial friendships between men and women without thinking of it in terms of marriage. You have a male colleague who is also a friend, OP. I’ve made some of my closest friends at work, and two of the closest, in two different jobs, were men. I’m happily married, so is one of them, one is divorced. I didn’t sleep with either. Neither hit on me. I’m very fond of the married friend’s wife also.

It’s not complicated.

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