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Original poster

Can idiot young men turn into good reformed adults ?

46 replies

Lora88 · 03/11/2020 19:06

My OH was 30 this year we’ve been together 11 years with 3 kids and let’s just say he’s struggled for step up to the mark over the last few years , never really grown out of bad habits such as gambling and has a few other traits of an addictive personality , he’s never been aggressive or cruel / disrespectful to me but he’s crossed the lines In other ways such as staying out in pub all night and the worst was messaging escorts during lockdown , he swears he never went through With this just another buzz for him and we’ve been separated since , this was 4 months ago , lately he does seem to have really changed , he wants to come back and try again he wants another chance to have his family back , he swears he’s cut all the toxic habits and is focussed on his family 100% is this worth trying again or has too much happened already?

OP posts:
Anotheruser02 · 03/11/2020 19:14

By 30 he was pretty much the finished product IMO. The pub thing and being childish mid 20's can be grown out of, a man with three children behaving like that by late 20's hmmmm not so much I don't think children should have pushed those things aside, gambling away security and drinking all night is not what good Fathers do.

The escort thing to me is not an extension of those things it's a totally separate low, you caught him looking for sex elsewhere.

Amytree · 03/11/2020 19:14

You are hearing what you want to hear and he is saying what he wants you to hear!

I doubt he will have changed his ways in 4 months.

Porcupineinwaiting · 03/11/2020 19:24

If he was 19 or 20 I'd say yes, it happens all the time. By 30 and with 3 kids? Nah, I think that's it. Sorry.

nimbuscloud · 03/11/2020 19:25

I’d advise you not to waste your time. Messaging escorts would have been the final straw for me.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/11/2020 19:27

At 30 he's pretty much fully cooked. That's depressing....

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 03/11/2020 19:31

How can you say he messaged escorts but was never disrespectful to you?! That's the most disrespectful thing ever. Followed closely by staying out all night drinking and gambling. These are literally signs that he has no respect for you. By 30 everyone should know better, and those who don't never will. Give yourself the best gift ever and live the rest of your life free from this loser.

user1481840227 · 03/11/2020 19:33

I've never known a man like that to change.
They ALL claim to have changed when their partner finally splits up with them...but once they're back they start doing the same shit again.

As for cutting out the bad habits...well he's a gambler, problem drinker and was at the very least contacting escorts for another thrill due to his addictive behaviour....but for all you know that might not be related to his addictive personality.

So in these past few months what professional help has he had to help him control that addictive side of his personality...or is he miraculously cured now on his own after you split up with him? He would be the first one ever if that was the case!

SpongeWorthy · 04/11/2020 00:14

You say he's never been disrespectful to you... but also say he's been messaging escorts?! That is totally disrespectful! Bloody hell. Get out of this relationship before your judgement becomes any more clouded - he's horrible.

GilbertMarkham · 04/11/2020 00:21

If he's 30 and was messaging escorrts during lock down; then he was 29 or 30 when he was doing it and a fully grown adult (and father).

Any one if those things would not be good alone, let alone in a row.

You dud the right thing separating from him and I'm sorry but he's full.of shit. I think you'll just get more of the same when he thinks he's secure in the relationship again.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/11/2020 00:22

An idiot young man to me is someone in their late teens or early twenties who doesn’t really have a career path and goes out drinking with their mates a lot. With occasional drug use.

What you describe is a mountain of red flags and a fully formed personality.

He says he has changed because he wants his easy life back where he doesn’t have to look after the kids solo and you are there to do the hard yards. Stuff that

Anordinarymum · 04/11/2020 01:21

Messaging escorts is being unfaithful surely ?

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 04/11/2020 03:28

Gamblers, in particular, rarely reform. Certainly not a 30 year old gambler. If having three children didn't change him, not sure what else would really.

Don't go there OP. It's a vicious circle with this sort of man. Letting him back is just permission for him to do it all again.

Highfalutinlootin · 04/11/2020 03:40

He won't change. 30 is more than old enough to have grown into his adult values and habits. Stay separated and move on. You can do better.

Catsup · 04/11/2020 03:55

Young man? He's 30 with 3 kids? He's nearer middle aged than a bloody teenager! Yes, I'm pretty sure he's 'changed his ways' if you've given him the boot 😒.

AgentProvocateur · 04/11/2020 04:46

I thought you were talking about a 19 or 20 year old. A 30 year old adult man with three kids who is acting like a disrespectful dick will not change and you did the right thing getting rid of him.

Oblomov20 · 04/11/2020 05:16

What? The escort thing at 30 is just ridiculous.

Frannibananni · 04/11/2020 05:52

No by 30 he has formed his adult personality. Even if you get back together the next time he’s a twat and fucks up blame you for being controlling.

TinyVictories · 04/11/2020 06:01

Agree with PPs, 30 isn't a young man, 30s an adult and he is the way he is and unless he's accepted responsibility, sought and engaged with professional support over a long time I don't see how any of that could really change.

AgentJohnson · 04/11/2020 06:19

You need to stop asking ‘when will he ......’ and start asking ‘why you put up with his BS for so long’? You’ve been kidding yourself for far too long and even now, you are all to ready to accept anything he says.

This was never about him, it was and is, about your incredibly low standards in a mate.

OhioOhioOhio · 04/11/2020 06:20

Oh please don't take him back.

category12 · 04/11/2020 06:26

No, it's the victory of hope over experience.

Four months of alleged change over eleven years of bullshit, cheating and gambling?

If he's genuine, let him demonstrate it for a lot longer than just a few pretty words, begging and a show of change over a matter of weeks. Don't let him back so quickly and easily. He needs to sustain change for at least a year.

Has he actually addressed his "addictive personality" with therapy or engaging with support? What has he actually done to work on himself?

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 04/11/2020 06:32

Think of it this way.

11 years of living with a man who gambles the family money away, spends his time in the pub (more money), staying out partying, and escorts. During this time you have held your family together, taken in more than your fair share, prioritised your children. How much has this changed you? How far is your perception skewed? After years of living as no one’s priority? Has living with him changed your threshold as to what is acceptable? Do you think everything is ok because it could be worse? Has it been a relief to have him out of the house?

You write about what he wants and claims he has changed.

What do you want? Have you changed? Are you worn out and beaten down by living with him?

He had 11 years to see what he was inflicting on you. How come that didn’t inspire him to change?

Dustysilkflowers · 04/11/2020 06:33

No he isn’t going to change. This is him.

Messaging escorts - no chance.

VeryCuteApparently · 04/11/2020 07:15

But he isn't an 'idiot young man' who is naive about the world or who just hasn't thought about the implications of his behaviours.

He's a fully fledged adult.

In my experience, the person you are at 30 is the person you are. If anything, the person you are becomes more entrenched as you stop trying out other ways of being and life gets busier and so you just settle into being you.

I'm the same person i was at 30. With the same qualities, traits and foibles but I'm a more definite version of that person as I no longer try to change myself. And attempts to change my core self have largely failed because this is who I am.

If he was messaging escorts as recently as lockdown (or ever), I wouldn't even be considering him tbh.

I think you'll also find that, as you get older, you'll become less tolerant of his faults, less willing to explain them away and less willing to overlook his misdemeanors. If you aren't ok with them now, you arent going to become more ok with them the older you get.

I'm assuming you're a similar age. I'd get out while you're still young.

SortingItOut · 04/11/2020 08:05

@Lora88
You keep starting new threads with different titles all basically asking the same thing.

Everyone has said he isnt worth it and you need to move on, it feels like you're waiting for someone to say that he is worth it so you can grasp at that and take him back.

You need to do what feels right for you.

What effort has he made since you split?
Has he stopped going out and drinking until all hours?
Has he been having the children on his own regularly?
Have you been doing date nights?

If he hasnt done any of the above then he hasnt changed and its all just words.