Can idiot young men turn into good reformed adults ?

[Lora88]

My OH was 30 this year we’ve been together 11 years with 3 kids and let’s just say he’s struggled for step up to the mark over the last few years , never really grown out of bad habits such as gambling and has a few other traits of an addictive personality , he’s never been aggressive or cruel / disrespectful to me but he’s crossed the lines In other ways such as staying out in pub all night and the worst was messaging escorts during lockdown , he swears he never went through With this just another buzz for him and we’ve been separated since , this was 4 months ago , lately he does seem to have really changed , he wants to come back and try again he wants another chance to have his family back , he swears he’s cut all the toxic habits and is focussed on his family 100% is this worth trying again or has too much happened already?

I thought you were going to be talking about a 17-21 year old lad, but by 30 he’s not likely to change.

I am not sure it's addictive behaviour more likely he needs risky activities to get a buzz just to cope with the flow of life. That's why his behaviour will continue.

He needs to address his need for unhealthy highs however this will be very complex to unpack, could be that his personality or his childhood that has shaped him, likely to be a bit of both.

He is not going to cure himself through willpower only...this is what he is trying to do (and convince you). I guess he could be sincere oin his desire to stop but he can't cure himself. This is the sad reality. Wishing won't make it happen.

I left a relationship by 30 with a man who was lovely but equally couldn't function without 'highs'. He has sadly got worse. Even had an relationship with children but that failed as well. He refuses to acknowledge that the issue is "normal" , he assumes he has control over it but the reality is...it controls him.

Until your partner understands that he is an addict and that the reasons for this are deep and not cured by willpower alone he will NOT change. Even if he sought help (which is expensive and not readily available) are you prepared to risk years of your children's seeing this toxic behaviour?

This is how children grew up to have toxic behaviours...they witness and learn from parents.

What you don't see if the impact on you..it is a slow death. Break the cycle, cut yourself and the children free from this. He can be a dad whilst living apart, however I suspect he will not be that reliable as his addictions will always overtake him.

It is sad but you can't make him better.

If you asked would a 21 year old be different by 30, I'd say quite likely. Would a 30 year old, almost certainly not.

Come on don't be so naïve....messaging escorts= shagging escorts

I think at 30 they're cooked. A 21 year old can probably change, but at 30 he's done. He might hide it better but it's still who he is

As pp's have said, I thought he was gonna be around 17! Not 30

You were young when you got together, 19 years old, and he has never grown up. He doesn’t seem to have grown up and assumed adult responsibilities.

Messaging escorts during lockdown is disrespectful and definantly crosses a line.

I wouldn’t have him back. He needs to prove himself. He can be a good father without living with you.

Four months isn’t long for a leopard to change his spots.

And I expected him to be under 23 years old, not 30!

Fucking hell. He's 30. He is the finished product and it's defective. Put it in the bin where it belongs.

My mega twat of an ex is now 30. He is the same mega twat he was at 25. He's never grown out of his pathetic behaviour - similar to yours, drinking all night with friends and never messaging; rolling in drunk at 6 am; sleeping with prostitutes.
He was going to change and stop these "bad habits". Did he stop? Did he fuck.......

...he's 30 not 18. Often men take a little longer to mature but not THAT much longer.

Also, it's not really immaturity, it's selfishness. That isnt the same thing.

God when I read your title I thought you were going to be talking about a laddish 17 to 20 year old. But fucking 30 with kids? He's not a young man who doesn't know what he's doing or the consequences!

Yes I do think if you behave like a twat at 17 you can still turn out OK. Young men that age are heavily influenced by peers and often don't understand the wider implications of their actions. This really can't be said for your partner. Move on.

lately he does seem to have really changed , he wants to come back and try again he wants another chance to have his family back , he swears he’s cut all the toxic habits and is focussed on his family 100%

OK, so in the past four months, what has he DONE to demonstrate that he has changed? Not what has he said, or promised, or sobbed or pleaded - actual concrete actions?

Things he could have done include:
Sought help for his gambling problem - support group, therapy, read books, etc
Been an engaged and active parent, kept regular contact with his children, found a safe, appropriate place to live so he can see them
Apologised without any ulterior motive (of getting back with you) demonstrating real insight into WHY what he did was wrong
Made any reparation he can, ie: paid back family money he spent on gambling

If all that's happened is he moved in with his parents and spends his time pleading with you to give him another chance, I don't really think that's a genuine desire to change, more just a strong wish not to be held accountable for the consequences of his actions.

Wise words by Fine above. Take heed.

@FineWordsForAPorcupine

lately he does seem to have really changed , he wants to come back and try again he wants another chance to have his family back , he swears he’s cut all the toxic habits and is focussed on his family 100%

OK, so in the past four months, what has he DONE to demonstrate that he has changed? Not what has he said, or promised, or sobbed or pleaded - actual concrete actions?

Things he could have done include:
Sought help for his gambling problem - support group, therapy, read books, etc
Been an engaged and active parent, kept regular contact with his children, found a safe, appropriate place to live so he can see them
Apologised without any ulterior motive (of getting back with you) demonstrating real insight into WHY what he did was wrong
Made any reparation he can, ie: paid back family money he spent on gambling

If all that's happened is he moved in with his parents and spends his time pleading with you to give him another chance, I don't really think that's a genuine desire to change, more just a strong wish not to be held accountable for the consequences of his actions.

This is an excellent post.

I was just about to come on and say “absolutely - my brother was pretty idiotic and immature when he was doing his A levels and now he is a very responsible adult, partner and father.” But you are not talking about a 17 year old. Or even a 22 year old. But a 30 year old father of 3. By 30 you are pretty much formed.

he’s never been aggressive or cruel / disrespectful to me

but he’s crossed the lines In other ways such as staying out in pub all night and the worst was messaging escorts

What constitutes disrespect to you?

Prostitutes???

No. He can do that on his own time from now on.

But he has been disrespectful to you. Everything he has done is disrespectful.

I know men in their 50s who have got more mature, and men in their 50s who have stayed the same. If he's a father of three and still unable to provide basic, reliable care for his own children such as coming home in the evening, I'd be pessimistic. But even if you think there's a chance, the question is whether you can really be arsed to go through potentially another 10 or 20 years of his "staying at the pub all night" (totes legit) before finding out whether he's going to improve.

Ds was late to change from proper wanker to almost normal person, but even he is pretty much arrived at adulthood now aged 25. Honestly I think by 30 he is unlikely to improve much, so what you see is what you get. Sorry

He's probably just missing you doing all the adulting for him

Take out some paper and write out all the rotten things he's done to you and the kids. Add in all the ways he's made your life more difficult and all the ways he's let you down.

Read that list out loud as many times as it takes to sink in. Then give your head a wobble for even considering taking him back.

Stop talking to him.

Do the Freedom Programme.

Dont waste another second on him.

He is saying the right things. But what's he actually done? Changing an addictive personality and lifelong behaviour isn't quick or easy. For example he might need to change friendship groups, cut off people or places that he finds might be tempting, buy a brick phone so he can't do stuff online easily etc and mainly, have extensive counselling. Has he done this?