Composing an email about his house smelling abusive ex help.

[Newernewist]

Hi, I know many mumsnetters are good with composing letters etc.
Back story.
I have 2 teen DC, they go to exs house EOW.
He is abusive, towards me, in the relationship and after we split,we have been split over 4 years.
I have zero contact with him, separate email address I check every week.
He is unreasonable, he has tried every trick in the book over this time, withholding CMS, which is now being dealt with by them, adding his new partners DC to the claim to spite me because I asked for contribution to my DC extra curricular lesson.
Reported me to SS, tells DC lies etc.
There was police involvement, it is all documented.
He is unstable IMO and I have nothing to do with home which suits me fine.
We dont have a court order for access.
So...
Over the last 6 month or so, probably longer, my DC are coming home smelling of fried food.
Really strong smell, apparently it's a deep fat fryer in the house.
The smell is like stale fried food. A really horrible dirty smell.
Their clothes smell, their hair, their coats, items that have been taken there come back smelling it permeated everything.

I have to rewash everything, sometimes twice, the smell honestly is that bad.

Both DC are unhappy with this, my eldest has said this is making them feel self conscious at school on Monday as they stay Fri, Sat and Sun and go to school from his Monday.
Both DC have said that his house isn't nice, and unclean in general, but this is his choice to live like that and not a reason to stop contact, both DC do want to see their dad.
So my solution that I have discussed with the DC is that they stay Fri, Sat night and return Sunday evening so that they can have a clean uniform and smell clean for school
He wont buy uniform for his house but thats not the point as the uniform is washed by him over the weekend and soaks in the smell anyway

I need to raise this with him and I need help wording it.
He pulls apart anything I email, he is abusive, calls me names, threatens to report me to SS for manipulating the DC.
They have come to me and asked me to email him.
Please help, I'm so anxious about this.
What ever I put in email he will respond with abuse, I need to word it, telling him I'm not prepared to be called names or enter in any discussion about it.
I cant see anyway he can stop this smell, unless he dumps the deep fat fryer. Which he wont.
TIA.

Yikes OP, I couldn't read and run though there are many on this board much more experienced in these matters.

Does he have form for being unpleasant to the children? If so maybe best to not mention it and take the hit yourself, saying that you have noticed it.

If he's the wannabe disney dad type, would appealing to him on the basis of their embarrassment be more effective?

Sorry by "not mention it" I meant not mention that the kids have asked you to write

I think you are on a hiding to nothing trying to tackle a problem which you said in your last paragraph is impossible for you to solve.
If they are teens and want to spend time with him the best course is for them to mention it to him. Most teenagers are slow with snarky contents etc.
I can't see how you have anything to gain from attempting to change something you have no power over.

Dear ex,
Your house smells like Ronald Mcdonald's jock strap. Put the fryer away.
Regards,
Newer

Could you just say "[children] have said they are finding it hard to cope at school on Mondays if they are not here on the Sunday night, which is quite common with children, and so during term time I think they need to stay with you just the Friday and Saturday night and be back here on the Sunday so that I can help them prepare for school on the Monday."

Leave out the smell bit.

"[children] have said they are finding it hard to cope at school on Mondays, which is quite common with children, and so during term time it would help them to be back here on the Sunday evening."

How old are your DC? To be honest I think if they are teens then they have a big say in when and how much "contact" they have. So they should be telling him (with your support) that they will be leaving Sunday evening from now on.

No advice on the letter I'm afraid but by god I know this smell. My ILs have a deep fat fryer and it clings to EVERYTHING.

I wouldn’t mention the smell either. Can you say they have homework to do on the Sunday night or something?

Btw I recognise the smell as I know someone who smells of cooking and it’s even on their coat.

Don't mention the smell. It will only antagonise him and sound petty and confrontational. Worse, it will draw the dcs into the conflict.
You: The dcs can't deal with your house smell
Him: Hey dcs, your mum says you can't deal with the house smell. Is that true? Did you really say that or is your mum just being a bitch?
DCs: Erm...

Instead I'd just say the dcs would prefer to come home on Sunday nights to prepare for school.

As teenagers they're old enough to be able to deal with their own hygiene, showers, hairwashing etc. They could take clothes in a sealed

I like lineofconcepcion's too, I had added the bit about Fri and Sat night to try to include all relevant email to avoid him trying to stringing it out by asking questions. Short and sweet might work better, depends on him...

Agreeing that you can’t raise this- your kids need to. He won’t listen to you, he’s just going to get abusive again.

If you're not willing to enter into discussion about it then you can't expect any reasonable response. I'm sure if the dc are concerned they would raise this with him themselves?

It sounds a bit nit picky to me and if things are going well just leave them be.

@Louiselhrau

If you're not willing to enter into discussion about it then you can't expect any reasonable response. I'm sure if the dc are concerned they would raise this with him themselves?

It sounds a bit nit picky to me and if things are going well just leave them be.

Have you ever had an abusive ex who will put you through the wringer for smallest perceived slight? Because your comment makes me think not. YOU might think it nit picky but your circumstances aren't the OP's. Her circumstances are problematic so perhaps try to be helpful instead of dismissive

Thank you for the response, I'm not sure how to tag but I'll address a few points.
He is a very angry unreasonable person, DC are scared to actually tell him that they dont want to stay.
And yes, if I raise it and he asks them, they probably wont dare tell him the real reason.
The excuse of homework on a Sunday night wont work, he will pull me apart about that.
Why would it suddenly change now.
I'll be called every name possible and called a money grabbing slag, as it will probably affect the amount of CMS

The smell is on them even when they shower on a sunday night, sealing the uniforms in a bag wouldnt work overall as their coats smell of it and they wear the coats over the weekend.
The smell is everywhere.
I left his abusive shit, anger etc. trust me I feel guilt every day that they cant get away from it.
Ive spoken to social services about him but it's not a reason to withhold contact I've looked into it believe me.
They do love him as their dad.
And thank you Candylebonbon, you are correct, unless you have dealt with a man like this most people have no idea
I'm still scared of him 4 years after splitting

And corlan, I'd love to send that 😂

Dear ex

The children have asked that they come home on a Sunday evening so that they can go to school from here as it’s easier. Do they are suggesting that they come to you Friday and Saturday now during term time and Friday to monday morning during holidays. I obviously won’t expect any change to the maintenance because of their choice.

Then if he kicks off tell him the truth, and that it’s embarrassing for the kids on a Monday and you are horrified he is putting them through this

Then call social services on him

Yes I would say what the last poster says, that they feel more settled
Going from yours in the morning and you would think it would be easier for him to not do the school run,’ I would also say can you please send the clothes back dirty don’t worry about washing them as us using different detergents is making the kids skin react.

if he argues back I would tell him the truth. That way you can say ok I was trying to save your embarrassment but the kids have said you have a deep fat fryer and they are coming home stinking of it and they are
Embarrassed they smell like it on school Monday. Please Do not wash their clothes and send them back dirty.

Smelly twat I know the smell you mean and it’s horrible and makes their hair etc look greasy as strange as that sound it’s as if the oil travels in the air lol!

Get the DC to buy him an air fryer for Christmas.

As everyone else says. You actually don’t need to give him a reason for the change. You just need to inform him the change is happening at the children’s request.

They need to be prepared to give him a reason, though. And it should be a watertight one they stick to with no get-out for him.

So you say a version of what PPs have suggested above e.g. Chloemol version is good

^The children have asked that they come home on a Sunday evening so that they can go to school from here as it’s easier. So they are suggesting that they come to you Friday and Saturday now during term time and Friday to monday morning during holidays. I obviously won’t expect any change to the maintenance because of their choice.*

Then the DC themselves need to be prepped with a good line they can stick to e.g.

Dad, it’s just more relaxed if we can do Sunday night at home. No big deal.

Don’t justify it. Don’t be drawn into the Whys and What Ifs. Just state the change, keep giving the same line.

You owe him nothing.

I obviously won’t expect any change to the maintenance because of their choice.*

OF COURSE HE SHOULD PAY MORE MAINTENANCE!
It’s not the posters choice because she’s being an arse! He can’t send the children to school clean and not-smelling so he isn’t able to have them on a school night! If that changes the amount of maintenance then so be it x

Oh if it changes the amount of maintenance he is due to pay, this will be changed with the CMS, he pays the legal minimum and laughs about it.

Oh if it changes the amount of maintenance he is due to pay, this will be changed with the CMS, he pays the legal minimum and laughs about it.

I think that suggestion is because to you the reason for the change is for the children, but because of financial contributions.

And you said he’d kick off about the money. So if you want to shut down that avenue of complaint entirely this is a way to do it.

I think that suggestion is because to you the reason for the change is for the children, but because of financial contributions.

And you said he’d kick off about the money. So if you want to shut down that avenue of complaint entirely this is a way to do it.