Composing an email about his house smelling abusive ex help.

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Hi, I know many mumsnetters are good with composing letters etc.
Back story.
I have 2 teen DC, they go to exs house EOW.
He is abusive, towards me, in the relationship and after we split,we have been split over 4 years.
I have zero contact with him, separate email address I check every week.
He is unreasonable, he has tried every trick in the book over this time, withholding CMS, which is now being dealt with by them, adding his new partners DC to the claim to spite me because I asked for contribution to my DC extra curricular lesson.
Reported me to SS, tells DC lies etc.
There was police involvement, it is all documented.
He is unstable IMO and I have nothing to do with home which suits me fine.
We dont have a court order for access.
So...
Over the last 6 month or so, probably longer, my DC are coming home smelling of fried food.
Really strong smell, apparently it's a deep fat fryer in the house.
The smell is like stale fried food. A really horrible dirty smell.
Their clothes smell, their hair, their coats, items that have been taken there come back smelling it permeated everything.

I have to rewash everything, sometimes twice, the smell honestly is that bad.

Both DC are unhappy with this, my eldest has said this is making them feel self conscious at school on Monday as they stay Fri, Sat and Sun and go to school from his Monday.
Both DC have said that his house isn't nice, and unclean in general, but this is his choice to live like that and not a reason to stop contact, both DC do want to see their dad.
So my solution that I have discussed with the DC is that they stay Fri, Sat night and return Sunday evening so that they can have a clean uniform and smell clean for school
He wont buy uniform for his house but thats not the point as the uniform is washed by him over the weekend and soaks in the smell anyway

I need to raise this with him and I need help wording it.
He pulls apart anything I email, he is abusive, calls me names, threatens to report me to SS for manipulating the DC.
They have come to me and asked me to email him.
Please help, I'm so anxious about this.
What ever I put in email he will respond with abuse, I need to word it, telling him I'm not prepared to be called names or enter in any discussion about it.
I cant see anyway he can stop this smell, unless he dumps the deep fat fryer. Which he wont.
TIA.

I know you're scared but his threats to call social services for you manipulating the children are no threat anyway, the children can tell them that you don't.

I think if you can write out something like what other posters have said, and remember that he sends these vile emails to keep you in line. You are not any of those names he calls you and you've done really well.

I know you're scared but his threats to call social services for you manipulating the children are no threat anyway, the children can tell them that you don't.

I think if you can write out something like what other posters have said, and remember that he sends these vile emails to keep you in line. You are not any of those names he calls you and you've done really well.

I know you're scared but his threats to call social services for you manipulating the children are no threat anyway, the children can tell them that you don't.

I think if you can write out something like what other posters have said, and remember that he sends these vile emails to keep you in line. You are not any of those names he calls you and you've done really well.

I suggest being VERY brief and giving no explanations (he will contest the explanation, pick it apart, etc). But if you say "DC are coming back home on Sunday evening from now on," it may be easier for you to avoid a long discussion.

If your children are secondary age you don't actually have to give a reason. Hiweber you are best off giving the reason that a PP stated about school then before you send the email to your ex ensure your children have read and understood it.

This is because when he kicks off against you, both you and your joint children need to be on the same page.

Thank you everyone.
Thank you for understanding what I'm up against with him.
Whatever I send will descend into him name calling, ignoring and grey rocking infuriates him.
He thinks he is the perfect dad and human being and if any thing is raised that puts this into question he lashes out.
He honestly thinks he can still speak to me in this manner even though I dont respond.
He thinks I will forever be under his scrutiny and control and should listen to his outbursts and torrents of nastiness.
I say listen, thank god I only have to read it now, at my convenience when I check the email account.

Oh and they are both secondary age, and would be listened to in court (which would never happen)
They now see him for what he is, not through me bad mouthing him, but by his behaviours.

YANBU I am a social worker and go into lots of different homes. Some clean and others less so. The only homes I have ever struggled visiting are those with deep fat fryers. I feel for you guys

I don't communicate with my exH, messages go through my partner. When both of mine are in secondary I will even move back from that as he is still nasty towards my partner. My eldest seems to be able to get through to him if she says things and he doesn't think that it will benefit me.

Seriously, if your teen DC need a change they need to tell him to have a chance of it happening.

You need to be brief. "The kids are saying they would rather be here on Sunday nights. I'll pick them up at x time."
If he responds with insults just say "it's their decision, and I'll pick them up at x". He can email all he likes and call you every name under the sun. Just ignore it, and pick them up.

Wish me luck emailing him today, I've spoken to both DC, I'm going to go with the "easier to stay at home Sunday night " line, and if he gets nasty mention the real reason.
Both DC are on board and are both worried about his reaction.
Fingers crossed !

Remember - a lot of his fury now is because he knows he has no effect on you and no power, really.

Also, as they get older, they'll naturally pull away anyway, will get more confident... and, eventually, they won't be scared any more and will just drift away from contact if he continues to act the twat with them.

If he gets nasty, you could allude to that. It might frighten him a bit.

'I'm bearing in mind that as they get older, contact will be entirely up to them. I would prefer to start respecting their choices now than see them reject arrangements entirely in a few years' time'

How did it go OP? Maybe mention if he does kick off that the kids are old enough to decide if they want to go to him and if they decide that they dont you wont do anything to change that. They are old enough to be listened to in court if he pushes it that far.

@MollyButton

How old are your DC? To be honest I think if they are teens then they have a big say in when and how much "contact" they have. So they should be telling him (with your support) that they will be leaving Sunday evening from now on.

Yes, if they are teens they can just tell him what they're doing from now on. It should be up to them.

I wouldn't be sending them overnight.

"As the kids get older they are missing their own beds and more ad hoc form of contact suits them better. Please pick a day they can come round to visit."

If he tries to argue "I appreciate you may not agree but i believe this is best for the kids going forward. You are welcome to take it to court if you so choose." Copy and paste everytime he tries to argue. I used to remove any polite niceties but he pretty soon learnt the more he argued the less he got.

No court is going to enforce access now the kids are teens

Are you sure it's just the smell that is making your DC's want to return home early?

If it's really just the smell, if they keep coats/bags/clothes in a wardrobe in their bedroom with the door shut, take a spare set of uniform in a vacuum bag and shower at bedtime or on Monday morning, take a bottle of Febreze for anything that can't be washed, that should fix the issue.

I would probably have been honest and made the problem his to fix.

Dear Abusive Twat,
Hope you are well.
The DC have asked me to contact you as they didn't know how best to discuss this and they would not want to hurt your feelings or embarrass you. I've assured them that you will of course understand and won't be hurt or feel awkward but said I would write anyway.
They have been having issues at school because their clothes and hair smell of deep frying fat on Monday.
They've come up with 3 possible solutions to the problem:

1. Tthe deep fat fryer isn't used while they are staying.
2. You could buy an air fryer that doesn't smell. Perhaps they could buy one for you as a Christmas gift?
3. They return to me on Sunday evening so they have clean clothes.

Let me know what you think is the best solution or if you have any other ideas of how to solve the issue? I think they feel uncomfortable about the whole thing so probably best not to raise it with them if we can find a solution. Thanks for your understanding. Kind regards, Newer

I've not sent it yet, 1 because of anxiety and 2, one of DC has been instructed to self isolate for 14 days, the other doesn't want to go without the other.
So weve got a week or so to play with.
There are other issues at his house they dont like, but ive spoken with social services and they have said although the situations are of concern it doesn't add up to neglect etc.
I have told both DC that it is always their decision about going, but they are worried about his reaction, and they do love him.
I've told them that I will have their back if they decide not to go, but they have to have mine if I raise an issue on behalf of them they have to stick with it

And questions about sealing clothes etc in a bag, makes no difference
It's in the air, its almost in the fabric of the house.
They smell is on them even when the fryer hasnt been on, its just stronger when it has been,fresher rather than stale smelling

It really is an awful smell, clothes need washing twice.

I've not sent it yet, 1 because of anxiety and 2, one of DC has been instructed to self isolate for 14 days, the other doesn't want to go without the other.
So weve got a week or so to play with.
There are other issues at his house they dont like, but ive spoken with social services and they have said although the situations are of concern it doesn't add up to neglect etc.
I have told both DC that it is always their decision about going, but they are worried about his reaction, and they do love him.
I've told them that I will have their back if they decide not to go, but they have to have mine if I raise an issue on behalf of them they have to stick with it

And questions about sealing clothes etc in a bag, makes no difference
It's in the air, its almost in the fabric of the house.
They smell is on them even when the fryer hasnt been on, its just stronger when it has been,fresher rather than stale smelling

It really is an awful smell, clothes need washing twice.

I think if SS have areas of concern, and the children are teens and hate going, you should just stop sending them. Wait for him to take it to court. Have the kids text him that they don't wish to stay at the moment, but happy to meet at shopping centre, park etc.

You need to have a really good talk with them about how it isn't love if they are terrified of him. That people who we love shouldn't make us afraid etc.

They need to clearly know that his behaviour is wrong as they are teens, so they don't get into abusive relationships themselves.

Could they speak to the school counsellor about their Dad, how they are scared to speak to him, don't want to go, etc.