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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Quick advice pls - red flag or not?

46 replies

bathsh3ba · 03/11/2020 15:10

OK, I was due to meet someone I have been speaking to on OLD tonight in a local pub. I have my doubts it will go anywhere but I thought I won't be able to go on a date for a while, so why not just go for a drink.

Anyway, out of the blue today I had a bad feeling in my stomach about it. Can't put my finger on why. Just got home to a message from him saying he's working at a location in my village which, while he doesn't know it, is literally round the corner from my house. He thought it would be easier if he worked in the village for the afternoon. He doesn't know my address but he does know I live in the village. It's a big village but still...

Now my red flag antennae are beeping overtime at me, it seems somehow stalkerish. Am I over-reacting? Should I cancel?

OP posts:
ChickOnAStick · 03/11/2020 15:15

What's his job?

AudTheDeepMinded · 03/11/2020 15:17

I think he's been open about it with you, and you were going to meet locally anyway so it is easier for him? If he starts to obviously angle for an invite round I'd be worried but not at the moment.

Original poster
bathsh3ba · 03/11/2020 15:18

I can't really say what he does without potentially outing myself or him but it's not as if it's a local office, it's a bit weird that he's decided to come here.

OP posts:
Manxiety · 03/11/2020 15:22

Perhaps he's trying to get an invite to your house rather than go out. Don't bite OP - it suggests he's there for the sex only. You could say you'll meet him earlier so you can get it done and dusted if crap or have longer together before the 10pm curfew...

ChickOnAStick · 03/11/2020 15:23

Hmm, I think I'd also be wary. Presumably he's hoping the evening will end at your place? I would still go tbf... I don't think what he has done is stalkerish, more hopeful for a shag.

Original poster
bathsh3ba · 03/11/2020 15:27

The thing is I've been really clear I don't do that and I can't think how he could possibly imagine I'd sleep with him. Which is why I find it odd. The last time I had these alarm bells ringing the guy later went to prison for raping a single mum's daughter, so I learned to listen to the alarm bells! But I might be over-reacting, it just seems so odd that he would turn up to work in the village, just round the corner from where I live.

OP posts:
SpongeWorthy · 03/11/2020 15:28

If you're ever feeling a gut panic about a date, it's best to cancel IMO. Especially as it's so close to lockdown so it's not like it can go anywhere for a month really anyway. I would be worried he had moved it so close because he was hoping for a shag before lockdown. If he offers to walk you home for example he knows how close you are to there. I just would say you're feeling a bit poorly and let's maybe get back in touch after lockdown.

SpongeWorthy · 03/11/2020 15:29

@bathsh3ba

The thing is I've been really clear I don't do that and I can't think how he could possibly imagine I'd sleep with him. Which is why I find it odd. The last time I had these alarm bells ringing the guy later went to prison for raping a single mum's daughter, so I learned to listen to the alarm bells! But I might be over-reacting, it just seems so odd that he would turn up to work in the village, just round the corner from where I live.
Listen to your gut - even if your gut is wrong, better to listen to it and not spend the evening feeling anxious.
ChickOnAStick · 03/11/2020 15:31

It's really hard to know! But it's probably not worth all the angst or worry. Just cancel.

Sparklfairy · 03/11/2020 15:32

Depends on a number of factors, and I understand you don't want to out yourself. This happened to me, twice, with the same guy. I was cat sitting for my DM at her house, and he ended up on a job working a 5 min walk away. Considering how rural she is it was bizarre. Then a couple of weeks later when I was back at my own place (8ish miles away) he again was working a minute or two's walk away. It was strange but I laughed it off as his job meant he went to around 4 houses all over the county a day. Weird coincidence though and judging by how strange a man he turned out to be, he may well have looked me/DM up on the electoral roll and just pretended he was at those places; I have no way of knowing.

If you have a bad feeling, you don't have to go. Or you could go, and cut the date short if he gives you a bad vibe. Could be he just wants to be local and go straight to the pub from work (understandable), or could be a bit more sinister that he's subtly pressuring you not to cancel because he's already there.

Dery · 03/11/2020 15:32

Listen to your gut. It’s not necessarily anything hugely sinister on his part but sth about this doesn’t sit right with you. That’s all you need to know. As PP said, we’re about to go into lockdown anyway so this can’t go anywhere for now in any case.

Sakurami · 03/11/2020 15:34

Could he have any means of finding out about where you live? I'm not weird but I am good at researching and have easily found loads of info on potential dates (just to make sure they are who they say they are).

Frenchfancy · 03/11/2020 15:35

I think it might be a sign he's keen and wants you to know he will definitely be there tonight.

I would meet him, but have back up if you can so he doesn't walk you home.

LumpyPillow · 03/11/2020 15:38

If you have a bad feeling, and already feel you're not sure where it would go anyway-- cancel. Even if you're wrong there's no harm done. How he reacts will be the tell all, too.

It could be innocent, but how long is he going to have to wait between finishing work and then the planned time of your date? I could get it if he was travelling a long distance to the date and he had that flexibility with work(like skipping motorway traffic etc) ... But if he's fairly local, I don't get it.

Hayeahnobut · 03/11/2020 15:39

The last time I had these alarm bells ringing the guy later went to prison for raping a single mum's daughter, so I learned to listen to the alarm bells!

I'd learn to understand coincidences.

Original poster
bathsh3ba · 03/11/2020 15:39

it's possible, I'm involved in things in the village that mean my phone number is public, but not my address. However his job could give him access to ex-directory numbers possibly. Actually, now I'm even more worried!

I'm just going to cancel and say I didn't get much sleep and have a headache, which are both true. And hope he doesn't turn up at my door as I'm home alone with my kids away and he knows that.

OP posts:
Original poster
bathsh3ba · 03/11/2020 15:44

@LumpyPillow, he's local, 40 minutes or so away.

@Hayeahnobut, thanks but I already understand them, including that not everything is a coincidence.

OP posts:
MaelyssQ · 03/11/2020 15:51

I think you're right to cancel the date. Make sure your house is locked up tight, and don't be afraid to call for help if he turns up on your doorstep. Have you got a friend who could come round tonight?

Original poster
bathsh3ba · 03/11/2020 15:55

@MaelyssQ, no, but my neighbours are all pretty good. If anyone was causing trouble on my doorstep, I'm pretty sure one of them would come out and say something. All doors are locked.

Anyway, I cancelled and he has read it but hasn't said anything, so fingers crossed.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 03/11/2020 16:06

Thibk if you are getting that strong if a gut warming then its always wise to cancel.

Also, you shouldnt even need to say 'I dont sleep with people on a first date/early' to someone. There should be no need to talk about sex like that with someone you've never even met. Also...if you do, some creeps will take it as a challenge.

I would have definately thought his message today meant he was hoping to come home with you tonight tbh.

And your gut is warning you he is a creeper so you were wise to listen.

Bunnymumy · 03/11/2020 16:06

*of a gut warning

PixelatedLunchbox · 03/11/2020 16:16

The second I finished reading your OP my gut lurched and my warning systems started ringing. How weird is that. I feel creeped out, for real. How odd. Shock

Aquamarine1029 · 03/11/2020 16:18

I raised to never doubt my gut instincts, and it has always served me well. I would be cancelling.

joystir59 · 03/11/2020 16:24

You feel unnerved and can cancel.if you want to without giving any reason. He is a stranger and you owe him nothing, and you owe yourself everything.

shitinmyhandsandclap · 03/11/2020 16:35

I don't think it's weird at all, you've obviously told him where you live, you said you were going to go to a local pub so it's not a bad thing that he's in the area - he's obviously planning on meeting you straight from work