Shocked by LTB responses

[JoyandPeace]

There seem to be more and more posters advising women to leave their husbands / kick them out / get divorced.

What do other people think about this?

It's hard to generalise with an answer because it depends on the situation and I guess it's natural that people are going to draw on their own experiences. Obviously there are situations that would deserve extra work being put into a relationship and sometimes, much as none of us really like to admit it, we can be at fault as much as our partners but there are certain situations like domestic abuse, which I would personally say are totally unacceptable and definitely should be get the f*ck out at the earliest opportunity (although I appreciate that can be easier said than done).

So often people just say it over a minor dispute or annoying habit. No wonder there are so many divorces. I think some people aren't prepared to work for it. That said, absolutely you should LTB if there is any kind of abuse going on.

I personally don’t think LTB responses will lead OP to leave in the majority of cases. I do however worry about gung Ho LTB responses as around the time of LTB is statistically the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Also LTB doesn’t really take into account where the OP is at in the journey.

I got advised to LTB last year, it really made me look at my relationship in a new light. Fast forward 6 months and I had ended it and they were all right, I'm so much happier without him. Now I regularly come on to help others that were in a situation like me, and regularly suggest LTB.

I think that I've never seen a genuinely trivial annoyance get a serious LTB response.

Often the OP talks about some unimportant sounding thing but as the thread goes on, they give further information that shows it is actually a serious problem.

What is more damaging than telling women they don't have to settle for low level unkindness and unhappiness is telling women that your happiness isn't important and there's only a small list of acceptable 'LTB' situations.

Also, by the time someone has got to the point of reaching out to strangers on the internet, they've already reached 'ltb' territory . People don't leave loving relationships because their partner left the can opener on the side and a stranger told them to LTB.

One people who think women shouldn't leave a bad relationship need to look at their own and see if there's something they need to face up to.

Ime not one.

I say LTB all the time because there's so many shit relationships on here. Sometimes the op starts off fairly innocuously before you find out all the other shit things her partner or husband did but my advice is the same

I think that if we received an objective overview of the situation then there would be a lot less LTB, but obviously what the wife/girlfriend writes is going to be emotionally charged, biased and in many cases incorrect. There are three sides to every story - his side, her side and the truth.

Personally, I think there are far too many posters who like to tell women being raped and abused that it's no big deal and they need to stop complaining.

I posted once about a situation with my DP - overwhelming LTB, he will never change, you're an idiot if you stay with him etc.

I ended up just discussing it with him, it turned out that he had just viewed the situation differently to me, completely sorted it out with a short conversation.

“Another vote for continuing disbelief at what shit women put up with from men who are supposed to love them. In the same position I wouldn’t advise my daughters to put up with the crap, I’d help them to get out.”

This with bells on.

@yvanka @frosted232 @StamfordHill @LindaEllen

I think that’s what concerns me. At a time when people may be feeling very upset and vulnerable (and many people are at the moment anyway because of the pandemic) being told that they are an ‘idiot’ to put up with their DH or to pack his bags for him is surely unhelpful. At the least it will make the poster feel stupid for being with their DH but also could escalate the situation.

Sometimes, taking a bit of time to think things through can be helpful not least because it prevents any heat-of-the-moment reactions and big decisions that cannot easily be reversed. Of course communication / counselling won’t work in all cases if one person is unreasonable or abusive but I too have seen couples come back from awful situations and move forwards by changing the way they communicate and, I’m some cases, one partner getting individual therapy to mend themselves.

Not in every case obviously.

@JustCallMeGriffin 100%. My thoughts too.

@ShebaShimmyShake

My experience is that by the time they're posting on MN about it, it's usually pretty far gone. There's very often a back story to the initial post and it takes a while for that to come out, not because OP is trying to drip feed, but because they've normalised so much of it that it takes time for them to realise this stuff is very relevant.

If you're in a happy and loving relationship, it would take more than anonymous internet people writing "LTB" to make you end it.

I totally agree with this

It's always been a thing. There's lots of really good, thoughtful advice on here, and also a fair bit of "LTB!" I doubt many people make major relationship decisions based solely on those comments (and if they do, no wonder their relationships are in enough trouble that they are seeking advice on them).

@Cheeseandwin5

Its basically ppls own prejudice and hatred. Most of these commentators are also hypocrites as they will think differently depending on the gender of the person. Sadly some OP's believe and act on this comments (and destroy their relationships on the back of it) thinking these commentators have their best interests at heart when they don't, they jsut want to give the DH a kicking. People are hearing one side of a snippet of strangers lives and still feel comfortable saying LTB or calling the DH terrible names. It really tells you all you need to know about them and their attitudes.

Very wise words

I can only talk for myself there.
But a LTB from me is either because the situation is really far gone. Or because it’s a reflection of my own refusal to accept some behaviours anymore.

I think anyone who posts on an anonymous forum should be very careful about acting on the advice from someone who has no face or name. We teach our children about internet safety particularly regarding social media, some of the threads where posters look for and encourage updates are uncomfortably close to the grooming that takes place on other “darker” forums.
I agree with the pp who suggests that we only get one side of a story, there are often subtle signs of control issues and entitlement from some posters who have an idealistic view of what a long term relationship should be like. I have known quite a few women who are definitely the abuser but claim to be the victim. Like most abusers they can be very convincing victims.
I have always found rl advice much more valuable when the person you confide in knows your relationship and the person you are in conflict with. I recently tested out the mn v rl advice over an issue in my relationship and found that rl advice was sound and sensitive because the confident knows me and DH well. No matter how hard you tie yourself in knots someone on MN will always twist your story to suit their theory.

On the contrary, I think the bar for what is acceptable in a relationship is routinely set so low as to be on the floor by many posters.

I don’t think I’ve seen a serious suggestion to leave someone over something that I thought was simply a miscommunication. Can you identify some examples?

I also find it very unlikely indeed that someone leaves a good relationship because internet randoms advise it.

Most people really are not as stupid and self-destructive as that.

I also find it very unlikely indeed that someone leaves a good relationship because internet randoms advise it.

Most people really are not as stupid and self-destructive as that.

Some posts warrent a LTB response, some are just ridiculous. No one is perfect and I think a lot of people on MN advise people to LTB without actually thinking it through. Also difficult when there's only one side of the story.

@Angrymum22

I think anyone who posts on an anonymous forum should be very careful about acting on the advice from someone who has no face or name. We teach our children about internet safety particularly regarding social media, some of the threads where posters look for and encourage updates are uncomfortably close to the grooming that takes place on other “darker” forums. I agree with the pp who suggests that we only get one side of a story, there are often subtle signs of control issues and entitlement from some posters who have an idealistic view of what a long term relationship should be like. I have known quite a few women who are definitely the abuser but claim to be the victim. Like most abusers they can be very convincing victims. I have always found rl advice much more valuable when the person you confide in knows your relationship and the person you are in conflict with. I recently tested out the mn v rl advice over an issue in my relationship and found that rl advice was sound and sensitive because the confident knows me and DH well. No matter how hard you tie yourself in knots someone on MN will always twist your story to suit their theory.

I think it depends on the issue and who your friends are. Basically by going to friends you are likely to end up with confirmation bias. Eg on how much housework you shouLD expect your DH to do and whether he is lazy. You are more likely to have people around you with similar beliefs and boundaries and therefore to be confirmed your situation is normal even you find it hard to accept. Whereas MN might well scream LTB in that situation.

I agree with @trixiebelden77 that I am finding a lot of people set the bar very low. And even more in RL.

I wish MN existed in this form 17 years ago. I might not have accepted what I did then

@Angrymum22

I think anyone who posts on an anonymous forum should be very careful about acting on the advice from someone who has no face or name. We teach our children about internet safety particularly regarding social media, some of the threads where posters look for and encourage updates are uncomfortably close to the grooming that takes place on other “darker” forums. I agree with the pp who suggests that we only get one side of a story, there are often subtle signs of control issues and entitlement from some posters who have an idealistic view of what a long term relationship should be like. I have known quite a few women who are definitely the abuser but claim to be the victim. Like most abusers they can be very convincing victims. I have always found rl advice much more valuable when the person you confide in knows your relationship and the person you are in conflict with. I recently tested out the mn v rl advice over an issue in my relationship and found that rl advice was sound and sensitive because the confident knows me and DH well. No matter how hard you tie yourself in knots someone on MN will always twist your story to suit their theory.

I think it depends on the issue and who your friends are. Basically by going to friends you are likely to end up with confirmation bias. Eg on how much housework you shouLD expect your DH to do and whether he is lazy. You are more likely to have people around you with similar beliefs and boundaries and therefore to be confirmed your situation is normal even you find it hard to accept. Whereas MN might well scream LTB in that situation.

I agree with @trixiebelden77 that I am finding a lot of people set the bar very low. And even more in RL.

I wish MN existed in this form 17 years ago. I might not have accepted what I did then

@Angrymum22

I think anyone who posts on an anonymous forum should be very careful about acting on the advice from someone who has no face or name. We teach our children about internet safety particularly regarding social media, some of the threads where posters look for and encourage updates are uncomfortably close to the grooming that takes place on other “darker” forums. I agree with the pp who suggests that we only get one side of a story, there are often subtle signs of control issues and entitlement from some posters who have an idealistic view of what a long term relationship should be like. I have known quite a few women who are definitely the abuser but claim to be the victim. Like most abusers they can be very convincing victims. I have always found rl advice much more valuable when the person you confide in knows your relationship and the person you are in conflict with. I recently tested out the mn v rl advice over an issue in my relationship and found that rl advice was sound and sensitive because the confident knows me and DH well. No matter how hard you tie yourself in knots someone on MN will always twist your story to suit their theory.

I think it depends on the issue and who your friends are. Basically by going to friends you are likely to end up with confirmation bias. Eg on how much housework you shouLD expect your DH to do and whether he is lazy. You are more likely to have people around you with similar beliefs and boundaries and therefore to be confirmed your situation is normal even you find it hard to accept. Whereas MN might well scream LTB in that situation.

I agree with @trixiebelden77 that I am finding a lot of people set the bar very low. And even more in RL.

I wish MN existed in this form 17 years ago. I might not have accepted what I did then