Am I better bf unfair - stress over husbands dieting

[Pickledscales]

My husband and I both have weight to lose. I have struggled pretty much most of my adult life since my last child was born so have been through the calorie counting , keto the works over the years . Over the last nine months I’m mostly plant based but still have a good 15 kg to lose . My husband on the other hand was calorie counting obsessively and was taking in very few calories some days less than my daily requirements as a five foot woman .other days he’s eating burgers and chips and more but still loses weight
I should mention I have a pituitary / endocrine issue that make it slow going and I’m menopausal so I’m lagging well behind often not losing a thing for weeks despite sticking to my diet not making excuses but he knows I’m down about the slow privesss . He on the other hand has a super fast metabolism
Anyway this isn’t really about the diet as much as whether I’m being unreasonable . He was coming to me daily to tell me how much he lost and ( it feels like gloating ) this was daily because he would weight himself daily and report to the grams the loss . anyway I asked him not to tell me so much as I’m struggling . He says he thought I would be happy for him and I’d want to know .
Now he’s stopped saying but ramped up the weigh ins to twice daily. I have in the past had such an unhealthy relationship with good and dieting that I’m feeling stressed . I said something about the twice daily weigh ins and how it is best to weigh in once a week but it turned into a fight
I’m sure I’m being sensitive but his family is extremely fat phobic and he was like that earlier before I lost weight . Some perspectives would be really helpful

Oh he's being rather insensitive isn't he? Maybe he thinks this is the best way to help you by being like this ?

When you're losing weight you have to put all your focus it. He's losing weight because he's doing what he needs to do to get it off. He's putting his all into it and he's rightly proud of himself. If he wants to weigh himself twice a day, that's up to him. If it helps keep him motivated, it's a good thing.

Instead of being upset that he's succeeding and you're not, instead of trying to stop him from doing things that help him lose weight, why don't you focus on doing what you need to do? Put the work in so you feel good instead of feeling jealous that he's doing better than you.

If he's eating very little some days and burgers others he's obviously still in deficit so losing weight.

You sound very unsupportive of what he's achieving tbh.

Are you tracking calories?

Weighing twice daily does sound like it's becoming obsessive though.

He's probably also being defensive as he doesn't like your perfectly justified, mild complaint.
You're comparing your diet - but what about the opportunities you both have to exercise? I do hope he isn't one of those men who saunter off to the gym or go jogging without even asking if their wife will be able to look after the kids / get on with the housework? While the wife has to schedule it in every time she wants a walk?

I do think he's being insensitive if you've told him you find it stressful. Weight loss is not always linear and it can be slow going despite your best efforts. If the scales aren't budging and he's losing pounds every week despite "cheat meals" then that will be disheartening, and make you doubt your methods.

He can still be pleased and support you in other ways, like tasty healthy recipes or suggesting some exercise you could do together.

What about non scale victories? Is your skin better, are you more energetic, sleeping better, an item of clothing fitting? The number on the scale isn't everything.

I'm on the Low Carb bootcamp threads at the moment. Plant based and low carb can be tricky but the threads are supportive and busy, and there are some good vegetable recipes if you fancy a change up.

@AriettyHomily

If he's eating very little some days and burgers others he's obviously still in deficit so losing weight.

You sound very unsupportive of what he's achieving tbh.

Are you tracking calories?

Weighing twice daily does sound like it's becoming obsessive though.

Yes I know my daily calorie intake and it’s what I’ve been recommended by my dr so I know my calories are core t . Like I mentioned I am losing weight just slowly and my neurologist has told me this is normal considering my pituitary issue As for me being unsupportive that’s simply not true . Why do you believe that ? I have been the one cooking most of his healthy dinners healing encourage our excercise and congratulate him on sticking to healthy meals . I also have some training in nutrition so that’s been something I have tried to be supportive with . I simply don’t want diet culture behaviour sacotaging my weight lose when I’m already struggling against a few factors health wise . Which is why I asked him to stop the reporting of every gram and the twice daily weigh ins

He hasn't got a very healthy relationship with food has he? Restricting some days, bingeing on others, weighing himself twice a day. It sounds like he's developing an eating disorder.

@SuperbGorgonzola

I do think he's being insensitive if you've told him you find it stressful. Weight loss is not always linear and it can be slow going despite your best efforts. If the scales aren't budging and he's losing pounds every week despite "cheat meals" then that will be disheartening, and make you doubt your methods.

He can still be pleased and support you in other ways, like tasty healthy recipes or suggesting some exercise you could do together.

What about non scale victories? Is your skin better, are you more energetic, sleeping better, an item of clothing fitting? The number on the scale isn't everything.

I'm on the Low Carb bootcamp threads at the moment. Plant based and low carb can be tricky but the threads are supportive and busy, and there are some good vegetable recipes if you fancy a change up.

Yes you’re absolutely right that’s it’s good to celebrate non scale victories as well and yes I feel good my skin love it too . I will definitely check out that thread Thankyou

@ReneeRol

When you're losing weight you have to put all your focus it. He's losing weight because he's doing what he needs to do to get it off. He's putting his all into it and he's rightly proud of himself. If he wants to weigh himself twice a day, that's up to him. If it helps keep him motivated, it's a good thing.

Instead of being upset that he's succeeding and you're not, instead of trying to stop him from doing things that help him lose weight, why don't you focus on doing what you need to do? Put the work in so you feel good instead of feeling jealous that he's doing better than you.

@Reneerol What makes you think I’m not putting in the work I need to lose weight ? As I said I am if anything much more diligent than him however I have a pituitary/endocrine issue that impacts my weight . I don’t know how you get me being jealous from not wanting to live in a home where my partner is in an unhealthy way calorie and scale obsessed.

I recommend to watch YouTube videos of doctor Ken Berry. Calories counting is not good long term. Ken Berry has got great advice.

Thanks Luna I will check that out.
I’ve been thinking about why this whole thing has upset me so much and I think it comes down to feeling very unsupported over the years
When I say my husband and I both have weight to lose I should have pointed out that I started out with a lot to lose and have over the past few years lost a significant amount , several stone . During this time I receive zero support from him and if anything I was criticised and critiqued by him in such that a day after coming home with a newborn firth child he was on my back about weight loss I was 71kgs his family with not a word of support from him. He would scoff down junk food and alcohol nightly and over that entire time has gained about seven or eight kilos which on a large and tall frame like his is barely noticeable . No one would ever look at him and call him overweight . That of course doesn’t mean it’s not healthy to drop those extra pounds but I’m feeling hurt because he’s now using these stringent calories in calories out willpower is the only key attitude instead of approaching it from a healthy lifestyle and body stance
It’s taken me years and years to get to a place of letting go of that stuff and it’s only been since I started letting go of that toxic thinking that I started to actually drop weight
I guess I feel unsupported and like his weight loss which is realistically not taking a whole lot of effort from him except to drop his nightly bourbon and comes from three to two and his burgers less the chips and I’m supposed to applaud
Yet he hasn’t cared one iota about supporting me , all he’s had cared about is judging my weight

Hmm I think you could both do things a little differently. No, he shouldn't be gloating or critisizing you. But if he wants to weigh himself twice a day and count his own calories, that's his business and I don't think you should critisize that. It does work for a lot of people and it is healthy (not saying other diets/ways of eating aren't also healthy). It doesn't reflect what you could or should be doing, you are both doing it in your own way. Could you agree not to discuss it for a while?

@FlyNow

Hmm I think you could both do things a little differently. No, he shouldn't be gloating or critisizing you. But if he wants to weigh himself twice a day and count his own calories, that's his business and I don't think you should critisize that. It does work for a lot of people and it is healthy (not saying other diets/ways of eating aren't also healthy). It doesn't reflect what you could or should be doing, you are both doing it in your own way. Could you agree not to discuss it for a while?

Thanks flynow yes I think that’s probably the way we need to go . Out of curiously why do you say weighing twice a day is healthy . My dr and the teacher nutritionists all said that weighing daily is unhealthy , give results that are inaccurate due to fluid and daily changes not relations to true weight loss and create unhealthy relationships with food and the scales . This is also what I’ve read in every professional journal book or nutrition article . Im not disputing he gets something out of it but I really don’t thing it’s healthy? Are there drs or professionals who advocate this . I am certainly open to looking at alternate information

Look at James Smith PT for interesting information about the difference in weight loss for men and women. He’s shouty and sweary but talks a lot of sense.

Your DH’s approach is not sensible. Absolutely no point in all this weighing himself!

If you are really fed up could you look into some sessions with a sensible local PT, even online? They can advise on all this stuff.

And well done on getting to a healthier place with food.

You do not appear to be able to separate your weight loss disappointments from his ‘success’ and have bought into the competitiveness. You are just as obsessed with numbers as he is but you express it differently. Yes your H is being insensitive but don’t use him as scapegoat for your issues surrounding your weight. Him reporting his hourly losses are just as annoying as your ‘you’re doing it wrong’ proclamations.

Your journeys are different because you are different.

@AgentJohnson

You do not appear to be able to separate your weight loss disappointments from his ‘success’ and have bought into the competitiveness. You are just as obsessed with numbers as he is but you express it differently. Yes your H is being insensitive but don’t use him as scapegoat for your issues surrounding your weight. Him reporting his hourly losses are just as annoying as your ‘you’re doing it wrong’ proclamations.

Your journeys are different because you are different.

Afentjohnson , what makes you say I tell him he’s doing it wrong . I make zero comments to him about his way of dieting I have simply asked him not to report his daily weigh ins to me . The fact you think I need a ‘scapegoat for my issues around my weight ‘ suggests you may have some fat phobic attitudes yourself . I’ve made it clear I’ve had success with my weight los I have no need of a scapegoat .
Perhaps you should respond to posts where you have something helpful to add rather than use weight related posts as a scapegoat for your issues with overweight people - nasty

Lots of people weight daily but you shouldn't do it if it's triggering for you.
The idea is that because weight fluctuates so much that if you only weight once a week it might not be a 'true' reflection of you weight. Weighting daily means that yes your weight will fluctuate but you can track the downward trend.

You’re very defensive here op and I don’t think any one can say anything other than he’s behaving terribly that you will accept, and if they don’t, then you’ll keep drip feeding until they do

You both have a right to feel supported. You’re clearly envious he’s loosing faster than you and can eat more than you. I assume he also feels unsupported.

I think the two of you need to agree not to discuss your weight loss. He can weigh his self as much as he wishes, whatever works for him, you cannot control him like that. He needs to be sensitive in the fact you’re struggling

Basically you need to not discuss this and let each other be.

@WouldBeGood

Look at James Smith PT for interesting information about the difference in weight loss for men and women. He’s shouty and sweary but talks a lot of sense.

Your DH’s approach is not sensible. Absolutely no point in all this weighing himself!

If you are really fed up could you look into some sessions with a sensible local PT, even online? They can advise on all this stuff.

And well done on getting to a healthier place with food.

Thanyou yes I was actually thinking of a pt to help with the excercise side of things . It could be a good way to break plateau too I’m thinking . James Smith sounds interesting , I’m not bothered by some shouting or swearing lol

@Bluntness100

You’re very defensive here op and I don’t think any one can say anything other than he’s behaving terribly that you will accept, and if they don’t, then you’ll keep drip feeding until they do

You both have a right to feel supported. You’re clearly envious he’s loosing faster than you and can eat more than you. I assume he also feels unsupported.

I think the two of you need to agree not to discuss your weight loss. He can weigh his self as much as he wishes, whatever works for him, you cannot control him like that. He needs to be sensitive in the fact you’re struggling

Basically you need to not discuss this and let each other be.

Thanks Bluntness , yes I am feeling defensive . Please let me say I don’t want to be drip fed and I don’t think my husband is doing anything intentional or being cruel . I don’t want to be drip fed but I guess I was hoping people may say I’m not being crazy to feel triggered and even have suggestions of how to approach it .instead I had a couple of people straight off the bat calling me jealous and saying I’m scapegoating which I feel is really unfair considering the amount of support I do give him . Anyway that aside , I do take on board your suggestion that we don’t discuss it and I think that is a good idea . I think I need to just put a mental wall around the whole thing and forget what’s going on with him , just focus more on myself get a pt and try and shut out the noise

In all honesty, it sounds like he's heading into having an eating disorder if he hasn't already - the strange eating habits and the obsessive weighing.

I mean, if you think he's doing it at you, then he's not a nice man, and I'd be looking at the relationship as a whole to see if it's healthy.

If he's doing it because he's developed a compulsion, I'd be worrying about his mental health.

I agree with @category12. There’s nothing healthy about the way your husband is losing weight or about his relationship with food. If he won’t shut up, I’d just say ‘congratulations’ or ‘that’s nice’. Keep your attention on your own weight loss and remember that the tortoise beats the hare.

OP, you are doing brilliantly with your own weight loss if you are sticking with the advice for YOU, and steadily losing weight.

I am in a process of losing weight slowly but surely, and am finding that progress is my main motivator. He is making a big song and dance about his progress and success because it keeps him going, but it sounds as if you are not getting the same arena for meeting your own goals.

Healthy eating is in itself a goal, irrespective of whether it leads to weight loss, and you have made huge progress there. As well as the other non-scale benefits.

Keep on with what is right for you, acknowledge and celebrate your own success on your terms.

Keep on with what is right for you, acknowledge and celebrate your own success on your terms

And he should get the same advice. Hence why they just can’t discuss it

Op you likely are just jealous and frustrated. And that’s fine, it’s fairly natural that instead of being pleased for him you’re comparing it to your own progress and getting pissed off.

You just need to make a pact to not discuss it, and as said, you can’t control him, dictate how he weighs or what he eats, it’s his body his choice.

You’re definitely not crazy @Pickledscales!

This is a really common situation, where men lose weight more easily. They have less body fat naturally as women need it for all the women stuff 😃 Plus not the same hormonal fluctuations. It’s interesting.

But I bet in the long term it’s you that maintains your weight loss and healthier lifestyle. Don’t doubt yourself.