People pleasers, how do you let go of the guilt if you think you have upset someone?

[Flanforfriday]

I'm a people pleaser, it's not so serious that I'm a doormat but I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of people not liking me. It stems from childhood, and I probably need therapy. Anyway, I dwell a lot on situations where I think I may have upset someone rather than just letting it go and moving on. For example, I have an old friend who is quite difficult to deal with sometimes because she is very focused on herself. I try to be kind to her as she has mental health problems and I hope if I were in her position that people would be kind and understanding of me.

Last week we met up. I was having a bad week and had other things on my mind and at one point I reacted badly to something she said and was quite critical of her for far longer than was necessary. I apologised later but she doesn't take people disagreeing with her well and I imagine that she has had a good old moan about me to other people. Also, when I apologised, instead of a reassuring response, I got an 'its ok' reply, which, as she can be a bit passive aggressive, I took to possibly mean its not ok actually.

I've spent the past week ruminating about how unkind I was and resisting the urge to apologise again. I can see myself worrying about it until I have the opportunity to demonstrate I am a 'good' person or until she does something that shows she still likes me. I know that this is unhealthy for me (and needy). How can I just let go and accept that we can't be perfect all of the time?

As a people pleaser myself I get you. All I would say is try to stop overanalysing what has been said or done. If you apologised then leave it and move on. Easier said than done - I know.

Awful isn't it. I'm similar. I can spend whole days ruminating about something I've said.
I try to remind myself that I'm not as important to people as I believe in my head and tell myself they won't be spending days thinking of me and what I said. People have other things going on and I'm not the centre of their universe so why should I make them the centre of mine and waste my day worrying.
Your friend isn't perfect and has upset you at times but doesn't dwell on it am sure.

Try a mindfulness exercise. I find a ten min session on Calm really helps me let things go and refocus.

Why would you ask people pleasers how to stop worrying about people not being pleased, they have the same problem as you.

Stop caring what other people think and you won't be a people pleaser anymore.

I always ask myself, would they do the same for me, or feel the same way about me?

And if the answer is no, then I put it out of my head and refuse to go there. There are too many entitled advantage-taking people in this world, and it took me until I was 40 to realise. Then I developed a mutinous side.

Personally I don't care what others think of me. I couldn't give a hoot if someone doesn't like me. Doesn't effect me!
I don't go out to offend anyone but I cannot deal with over sensitive people who take everything to heart and over analyse something that was said that really was no big deal or no deal at all.

It's taken me a long time to get here (I'm mid 40s now). If I've acknowledged I was wrong and have apologized then as far as I am concerned that is the end of the matter. I will try not to do/say the same thing again. If the other person then chooses not to accept my apology and continues to be upset about it, there is nothing more I can do.

I also used to ruminate about things like this for weeks. It's not necessary. Acknowledge the mistake. Apologize. Don't do it again. That's the end of it.
We are all human. We all put our foot in it. We all get annoyed with others sometimes and say something we shouldn't

The other side of the coin is that I have also learned to be less sensitive about what others say to me. I also used to be quite huffy about things like this but normally people wouldn't apologize to me and that would upset me. If other people say things to me that I don`t feel are fair or are in fact a bit mean I just brush it off now -they don't have to like me. It does not devalue my worth as a person because someone is unpleasant. Most of the time people say things without thinking. If I feel that someone is being constantly nasty (and it has happened with a couple of people) ie. it's an ongoing campaign of nastiness, then I go non- or low contact as far as possible.

iluvgab thanks, that is a really helpful response. It helps me think about things from another perspective.

Realise that it's perfectly normal to want to be liked. As human beings we can live alone but we're meant to live in groups of communities. Being concerned about being liked means more people might be willing to compromise and co operate. Learn to like yourself for that.

The need to be liked means there are fewer assholes in the world, but it does have a dark side. One can be so desperate to be liked that you are willing to shapeshift to any environment which means you never really develop a solid personality. Someone might be willing to be nasty to someone in order to be liked and approved by the rest if the group. You can do things that might make you hate yourself later, or sacrifice your own needs unwisely.

I think you probably do need therapy if you think your need to be liked is getting unhealthy. One of the worst things it can do to you is allow you to attract and retain some pretty toxic people in your life that seriously deserve the boot. Your nature is probably to be compassionate, but there's a point where you have to stop feeling sorry for people, even if they cry. A very important lesson to learn, especially for someone like you, is to know that just because someone is upset, even to the point of tears, DOES NOT MEAN YOU WERE WRONG. Ok? There are some very manipulative people out there who are very good at turning on the waterworks after they've just bullied or shat on someone else. They can sense good people and they will twist that to their advantage, known how much their apparent distress will deeply affect you.

If you are only interested in nurturing others or being their 24hr assistant or therapist, I suggest you channel that towards a child, pet or a job that will actually pay you for it. Friendships have ups and downs, but ask yourself how many friendships you have that are one sided, where they seem to just want to talk about mainly their problems all the time? There's a lot of people like that out there. If you find them entertaining to be around then fine, but don't count them as a true friend. You need to build a better support structure into your life which means making space and time to develop friendships that are more equal and nurturing too you too. Don't spend too much time on friends that are demanding or stress you out.

earthsight thank you. I found your post really helpful. I know how you feel OP.

@IAmADNAMA

Personally I don't care what others think of me. I couldn't give a hoot if someone doesn't like me. Doesn't effect me! I don't go out to offend anyone but I cannot deal with over sensitive people who take everything to heart and over analyse something that was said that really was no big deal or no deal at all.

Lol. Depends what it is that is said or done a d what the intention was I suppose @IAmADNAMA .

I turned down a coffee with a woman from work because I really couldn't be arsed with her. She was in her late 20s or early 30s but at times behaved like someone at least a decade or more younger. She burst into tears once and ran off from her public facing desk because she overheard another colleague and I talking, and we happily told her we thought a certain program was a good camp laugh and were thinking of watching it together at her house after work at some point. We had only been talking about it for 1 min, but this colleague thought we were colluding to exclude her specifically (along with the 12 other people were worked with I suppose which she didn't even think about), and she folded and literally ran off crying. We were baffled and mortified at the same time and went after her. She said it was hormonal but her reaction fit quite well with how she was as a person. That's why I didn't want her as a friend. Too much drama and too much of a risk that I'd be painted as a villain when I genuinely hadn't done anything wrong.

@Lisette1940

earthsight thank you. I found your post really helpful. I know how you feel OP.

@Lisette1940 👍

@EarthSight no that is exactly what I cannot deal with. In all honesty I wouldn't have even gone and found her. She over reacted about nothing.

IAmADNAMA my issue isn't about other people getting unnecessarily upset. It's when you say something without thinking, or are less tactful that you could have been, and the other person, probably quite rightly, is offended. Can you honestly say that you've never had an off moment and upset a friend or family member?

People pleaser and big worrier here. I apologise and remember it next time and learn from it. Might try and reach out with some humour after a week or two. You can't change what has happened.

But OP let me ask you this, when you reacted “badly” to her comments, were you justified? Was she out of line?
If she was being a self centred cheeky fucker then damn right you criticised her.
Good on you for not tolerating shite from someone with form.

Maybe she will think twice before repeating this with you again.

Chuck it in the fuck it bucket and crack on... with or without her friendship.

my issue isn't about other people getting unnecessarily upset. It's when you say something without thinking, or are less tactful that you could have been, and the other person, probably quite rightly, is offended. Can you honestly say that you've never had an off moment and upset a friend or family member?

But from what you are saying the friend takes offense to everything anyway.
, I have an old friend who is quite difficult to deal with sometimes because she is very focused on herself. Now @Flanforfriday read that bit back.Do you think she would be sitting there wondering if she upset you.She wouldnt.And you know that.

You have had a tough week,did she ask you how you were.? I bet the answer is no.

Im nearly 40 amd still learning not to worry about others opinions.

I analysis conversations with freinds even if no upset has occured, or situations from years ago where i have (1 occcasion was called for but i couldnt care less if she hates me, she was nasty)

Its a mind f**k, im really trying not to care so much
But i have learnt and tried to explore more why im a people pleaser.

Terrible former people pleaser here.

I think we just need to be more authentic with ourselves so that we don't build up suppressed resentment which can be unleashed like it did in your situation op.

You've apologised and she's said it's okay, so I wouldn't bring it up again.

As a people pleaser, we tend to sugarcoat or avoid saying what we really think because we want to be liked. It's far more important to be authentic and to accept the other person's reaction, good or bad. I have often ended doing things or saying things that I don't want because I'm afraid of upsetting the other person. This was costly to me when I learnt the other person was a narcissist. However, I have since learnt about setting healthier boundaries.

I hear you, OP. I sometimes wish I could not care quite so much when I accidentally upset someone.

I think you do get better with age and the realisation that people aren't thinking about yourself and how you feel nearly as much

Oh my god I’ve found my people

I sell my own handmade items and a friend bought two of them last week and said she’d pay me by bank transfer

Still not receiving payment I sent a reminder today and she paid straight away but ever since I just feel like I should have just let it go and give them to her for free and that I’ve probably upset her and she will never speak to me again 😭😭😭

I also still often think about a time 3 years ago where I was discussing names with a few friends and we got to name we all disliked (we were expecting babies so kind of relevant) and then a person who was named said name overheard the conversation and mentioned how they have that name and actually really like it

I’ve felt bad about it ever since and I think about the person at least every week and wish I could go back

Oh yes, I do this all the time. I got out of my marriage 8 months ago after 18 years, I'm happy, kids are happy, I'm managing on the money, life is easier, yet more complicated, I've unexpectedly met someone and I'm really happy... But the guilt! I feel terrible because he's hurting, even though I Ave him chance after chance and he wasn't happy, not for years. But I constantly rerun conversations and think about things I've said.. I do it all the time, with everyone.

Meeting people who also do it and people who I can say, I'm worried about this, etc, to without them judging and usually with them saying dont be ridiculous etc, it's fine, that helps.

I think recognising I do it and a bit of CBT helped me. It'll never go away, it's who I am. I guess see the good things in it, you have empathy, you care, you want people to be happy. But sometimes you can just tell people to fuck off, too. 😂

Sometimes real true caring friends have to be cruel to be kind.

If you almost always are lovely, you are allowed a fuck up you are human as well, just accept it and move on.

You can't be a perfect human no such thing.

Don't be too hard on yourself there are plenty of people to do that for you.