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Original poster

Partner sexting via only fans

44 replies

vraimenthan · 03/11/2020 08:22

So last night I had checked mine and my partners joint account and there was a single transaction for only fans for like £15. The first thing that came onto my head was that someone had hacked into my bank account and that I needed to call my bank (thank god I didnt how embarrassing that would have been) but straight after had a sinking feeling that it was my partner (bit of backstory so as not to drop feed, we are on a pretty bread line income, privately rent and have 2 under 4 year olds. He is awful with money so I take all of it except £200 and do all of food Bill's rent and am left with a little bit less than £200 for myself and kids for days out, clothes etc.) I had a little look on his phone and found hes been paying women for only fans, having dirty conversations and sending sex workers photos of his penis(vile). One of the women he actually used to live locally to and was messaging her saying hed wish he'd shot his shot back when he lived there and paying for private conversations. I tallied it up and hes spending about £40 a month on of. I feel horrified that hes paying for this over looking after his children. I woke him up and confronted him and he was pretty sheepish at first but after tried to explain that it's not really cheating as hes paid for a service and because I never send nude photos and have a low sex drive and it was the realistic element he could justify it??. It's our sons 4th birthday on Wednesday and I have not a penny spare income to move out or anyone I could stay with so I told him I wasnt going to bring it up because I dont want to make an atmosphere for our sons birthday, he doesn't deserve that so I'm going to act like normal but my heart feels so hurt

OP posts:
Namechangedforthisoct2 · 03/11/2020 08:25

So maybe don’t immediately split but I’d 100% be long term planning to. Get all your finances, house, budget etc in order and when you’re ready just do it.

ThePinkGuitar · 03/11/2020 08:28

So he rather see his child go without on his birthday to spend money on just fans - absolute twatbag you and your dc deserve more than this loser. Take control and get him out.

CatsAndEyeliner · 03/11/2020 08:31

That’s disgusting.

Also this: ’One of the women he actually used to live locally to and was messaging her saying hed wish he'd shot his shot back when he lived there’
Is effectively saying he wishes he was with her instead of you.

Original poster
vraimenthan · 03/11/2020 08:34

@thepinkguitar exactly. I said this to him and he said hardly taking as it's his money to spend as he pleases but I end up lending him money most months. It always irritated me because i have barely any disposable income and it all goes on the kids and hes been spending it on that. I feel sick now. He wont leave it'd have to be me unfortunately but I only work 6 hours a week and cant see it changing over the next few months :(

OP posts:
Original poster
vraimenthan · 03/11/2020 08:40

@catsandeyeliner that's what I said to him and he said its not real as they'd never spoke in real life it doesn't count?? Figure that one out. I just want to grab the kids and run but I cant I'm stuck

OP posts:
MangoBiscuit · 03/11/2020 08:47

Eugh, what a selfish creep!

As others have said, sort your budget out, start making your plans, and leave when you're ready.

Why is all "your" money going on the kids? That's a shared expense. If you have £400 left after household bills and food, then the kids need £200, then that comes out of the £400 and you split the rest. He gets £100, and so do you. He's still a jerk for spending it like that though.

MashedSweetSpud · 03/11/2020 08:55

If he insists it’s not real tell him you’re going to ask his mum/dad/gran/whole family for advice and won’t spare them a single detail.

If it’s not real he won’t mind will he.

Original poster
vraimenthan · 03/11/2020 09:00

@mashedsweetspud oh theyd probably pat him on the back, theyve enabled and frequently exceeded his behaviour but that's a whole other thread. I think that's why I came on mumsnet because if I speak to anyone in real life they'll tell me to leave him and think I'm a pushover if I dont but it's not as simple as that

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 03/11/2020 09:00

What do you mean 'he wont leave' ? Get angry and tell him to gtf out.

If he wouldnt go then I'd phone his parents, tell them what he has done and that they are to come collect him immediately. Or I'd tell him if he didnt leave then I would tell them. Or I'd tell him I'd announce what he had done to everyone we knew or on social media.

Whatever it tales to get the disgusting cheating pervert with zero shame out of the house.

CaraDuneRedux · 03/11/2020 09:03

Why can't you leave/ tell him to leave? Money? Tenancy in his name?

If you tell us what the practical barriers are to getting this waste of space out of your life, we can come up with solutions

EatDessertFirst · 03/11/2020 09:03

What a creep. He sees women as something he can buy. Disgusting. Is that how he would like his daughter treated or his son to see women, as a commodity?

Don't lend him any more money. Get your ducks in a row and leave as soon as you can. Not surprised you have a low sex drive tbh. Being with that dirty, mysogonistic prick would be enough to destroy anyones.

WitchesSpelleas · 03/11/2020 09:06

He gets £200 to spend as he wishes.

You get £200 to cover the children's expenses.

You need to sort that out. How much do you normally have left after paying for the children's things? If it's £50, say, then the children's expenses are £150 - that needs to be split between you, not to come out of 'your' £200.

romeolovedjulliet · 03/11/2020 09:11

there is always the chance his parents would side with him and blame you. what is the housing situation though ?

Original poster
vraimenthan · 03/11/2020 09:13

@caraduneredux no we have both names on the tenancy but I could never afford it on my own. I'm not a loud or confrontational person at all and weve never had a shouting argument. I prefer to talk things through calmly and I could ask him to leave but hed say he has to stay until he finds a new place and probably drag his feet for years. I dont really want to do it now too as it's my sons birthday tomorrow and I really dont want him to have a bad day as hes had such a bad year but I cant live like this in the long run

OP posts:
Alfiemoon1 · 03/11/2020 09:14

Start making a plan to leave or for him to leave don’t lend him anymore money. Hes disgusting wasting family money on just fans then trying to shift the blame to you no wonder you have a low sex drive

Original poster
vraimenthan · 03/11/2020 09:18

@witchesspelleas I know the money situation is dysfunctional, it's never sat well with me to be honest and I rarely buy myself anything but I think thatd be the case if I had money. I always let him have more money because I just felt bad because he works full time and gets barely any money and the constant winging about being skint and asking for money

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 03/11/2020 09:19

This is awful for you but you should relook at finances as others have said and make a future plan to leave him. Meantime enjoy your sons birthday.

Original poster
vraimenthan · 03/11/2020 09:20

It's his birthday on Friday and I spent hours with the kids making a scrap book with all old train and holiday tickets, the kids scans, handprints etc and I just want to rip it up and throw it in his face

OP posts:
WitchesSpelleas · 03/11/2020 09:21

because I just felt bad because he works full time

But you've said your son is not yet 4, so presumably you are looking after him while your partner is working?

Jpark1 · 03/11/2020 09:25

If this were me he'd be out on his arse with his bin bags behind him.
His behaviour is disgusting and frankly, off-putting.

ladybee28 · 03/11/2020 09:26

Ugh, this sucks. I'm so sorry, OP. What an immature slimeball.

But you don't have to move out for the relationship to be over.

Tell him you're done, move him onto the couch and stop giving him cash.

Take care of your son, and yourself.

Bunnymumy · 03/11/2020 09:26

But didnt you say you left him with 200 quid from his wage to spend how he likes as is? And none if that goes on your kids, where as you spend your leftover money on them.

200 quid is a fair amount to have to spend on yourself each month. And he has the audacity to ask for more from his childrens backs to spend on cheating!

Never give him money again.

And can you start job hunting? Could his family watch the kids for a few hours per day whilst you work? Because you need to start pulling in some income so that you'll have money to leave him initially. Or is there anything in the home you can sell in order to raise the funds to leave? (His xbox for example xD).

Once you are out you can claim benefits and child support if need be but you need a few months rent to get out initially.

Original poster
vraimenthan · 03/11/2020 09:27

@witchesspelleas yes we have a nearly 4 year old and a 2 year old and I work 1 day a week

OP posts:
Rockinmomma · 03/11/2020 09:28

OP have you considered social housing? Do you have family you could stay with? You could claim homelessness and get housing I’d have thought.
If you leave he won’t be able to pay the bills so will eventually get turfed out

WitchesSpelleas · 03/11/2020 09:30

yes we have a nearly 4 year old and a 2 year old and I work 1 day a week

Then clearly, you don't need to feel bad about your partner working full time because looking after two small children is a full time job.