Partner sexting via only fans

[vraimenthan]

So last night I had checked mine and my partners joint account and there was a single transaction for only fans for like £15. The first thing that came onto my head was that someone had hacked into my bank account and that I needed to call my bank (thank god I didnt how embarrassing that would have been) but straight after had a sinking feeling that it was my partner (bit of backstory so as not to drop feed, we are on a pretty bread line income, privately rent and have 2 under 4 year olds. He is awful with money so I take all of it except £200 and do all of food Bill's rent and am left with a little bit less than £200 for myself and kids for days out, clothes etc.) I had a little look on his phone and found hes been paying women for only fans, having dirty conversations and sending sex workers photos of his penis(vile). One of the women he actually used to live locally to and was messaging her saying hed wish he'd shot his shot back when he lived there and paying for private conversations. I tallied it up and hes spending about £40 a month on of. I feel horrified that hes paying for this over looking after his children. I woke him up and confronted him and he was pretty sheepish at first but after tried to explain that it's not really cheating as hes paid for a service and because I never send nude photos and have a low sex drive and it was the realistic element he could justify it??. It's our sons 4th birthday on Wednesday and I have not a penny spare income to move out or anyone I could stay with so I told him I wasnt going to bring it up because I dont want to make an atmosphere for our sons birthday, he doesn't deserve that so I'm going to act like normal but my heart feels so hurt

Let the birthday pass enjoy it with your little boy then lick him out of the house . Stand your ground ,leave him piss off to his moms house what a loser 🤬
Get welfare or whatever you can til you get on your feet he's gonna give you a miserable life

Just lock the door he will eventually get the message . You WILL cope . Hate men who treat their families like that xx hope your ok xx

@rockinmomma I'm going to phone up citizens advice as soon as I get a moment and phone up my local council to at least speak to someone but im not hopeful as my friend has been waiting for a house for close to 6 months with not even a sniff, unfortunately if I claimed homelessness I'd be making myself intentionally homeless and the council wouldn't help. My children were teen pregnancies and my family said that they wouldn't support me so I think I'm just going to have to wait and see what happens. If I boot him out hed have to move to his parents across the country and I'd have to quit my Sunday job which I really don't want to do and he wouldn't leave anyway x

I would be making my get out of jail plans. He actually offloaded the guilt into you by saying you had a low sex drive etc. Victim blaming. Nice.

That scrapbook will be a book of everything that he’s lost/thrown away. What a dick.

"because I never send nude photos and have a low sex drive and it was the realistic element he could justify it?"

..of course he's trying to justify and turn it around on you not providing something but it's all him. What he's done crosses a line and it's on him only.

It sounds like you are making excuses not to leave though. Finding a way to put it off.
If you really want to leave you will be able to find a way.

@goldenharvest my low sex drive always ends up being the problem. I have told him previously when he has brought up the lack of sex that I am not going to put myself in a situation that I feel uncomfortable with and if its that big of a factor then he can leave and I will not be resentful but hes insisted that he doesn't want to leave. I used to have a pretty normal sex drive but with looking after the kids and minimal input from him I'm far too tired and a tad bit resentful when he comes onto me. I still make an effort but it's nothing like it was

Well surely he knows you'll never sleep with him again after this right? So he took an awful big risk cause now he'll be getting no sex.

Don't share a bed with him again!

@mrsspringfield no I completely agree I'm making excuses and im going to have to do something. I was homeless in my mid teen years flitting between sofa surfing, sleeping in sheds and emergency accommodation and the thought of being out of control like that makes it hard to breathe. I know it wouldn't be like that with the kids but I just feel like crying

Even if you wait six or twelve months on the housing list, getting your name on it now is progress.

Realistically, you are likely to continue to work PT until your two year old is in school, and you haven’t had a change to become well qualified, so even once they are both in school you will struggle to find anything you can afford in the private sector.

Unless you put the wheels in motion to find housing, you are going to be stuck with him for a long time.

You can separate from him while you continue to share a house, claim Tax credits or UC in your own name, apply for housing as a separated woman with children and so on. In fact, if you apply for the housing list, that’s good evidence for the DWP that you are separated but forced to continue living together for now, and vice versa.

Do you have any ambitions to study or train? Any particular career? It is time to start planning your own life. This chap is dead wood.

Also; Your sex drive is NOT the problem. Creepy men like this will always try to pretend that you are the one at fault.

GroundAlmonds' advice is spot on.

Make him sleep on the sofa. Separate out your finances. Separate out your living arrangements (you buy food and cook for you and the children, but not for him). Get on the housing list.

By brushing it under the carpet you are essentially showing him his actions have no consequences and he will almost certainly continue to do this. Does he realise the girls he is messaging are literally in it for the money, they do not care about him in the slightest? Of course they will engage in dirty texts etc as it's all money for them! Honestly OP I think if you stay in this relationship you will only get hurt again

"I was homeless in my mid teen years flitting between sofa surfing, sleeping in sheds and emergency accommodation and the thought of being out of control like that makes it hard to breathe. I know it wouldn't be like that with the kids but I just feel like crying"

I am sorry you went through that. Could I suggest you speak to your local homelessness / temporary accommodation team. Prevention is the course of action they try in the first instance so they may be able to assist you in taking over the current tenancy - or they may have ideas of how you can go straight in to suitable private rented.. they have a Homefinders scheme in some councils and can assist you with getting set up with references/ deposit.
Mention that you are suffering emotional abuse from your partner. Any kind of domestic abuse victim (includes emotional) they will have a duty of care to you at least while the investigate the situation.
There is a way out of this.

Op, have you checked out the benefits calculators at all? You may be able to afford to live on your own and even be better off depending on how much your rent is and where you live etc. My friend has two snack children and C when her abusive partner finally moved out she got universal credit and received around £1200 a month for rent, utilities, food and everything else. If that is viable, You could use this time to do a college or open university course to help get you back into work when your youngest turns 4 and goes to school.

You don't need this waste of space loser. He doesn't value your, he doesn't value your children. He puts his sexual needs above ALL of you. Get rid of him. Do the programme and get your self into education.

I was a teen mum and ended up with no GCSEs and 4 kids. Took me a good few years but now I've got a degree and a masters and am looking at a PhD. I would never have believed it but I did it.

I found this helpful, it helped me articulate how I felt in a similar situation. Basically, it can be defined cheating/infidelity as it was hidden from you.

I re-read my diary from around the discovery moment, and I said pretty much the same thing. I felt that each road out of it was hard, really hard. Stay, try, leave. All shit.

My advice is to take your time. You owe him nothing, he owes you the space to think things through. It took me 3 months to get to the point of finally deciding separation is the only way for us.

Take care of yourself.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201610/cheating-it-was-just-webcam

www.entitledto.co.uk/

Put all your sole details on there and it will tell you what you are entitled to, I’m if you are a single mum Working 6 hours a week you will get money for your rent. Pop it all in there now and then hit apply as it can take 5/6 weeks currently. You can then also apply for an early
Payment if you cannot wait 5/6 weeks, which you pay back a little a week.

@mrsspringfield thankyou for your comment, I'm going to phone up the local council and citizens advice tomorrow. I used to live in ymca accommodation so will ring there as well as I'm still under 25 and was only a couple of years ago since I lived there. I'm not sure about with children though

@febo24 thankyou I really appreciate that. I think I am going to have to take a bit of time. I know either he has to go or I do but I'd just like to get all of my ducks in a row before it happens