New BF staying over...how to handle with DD

[PIPERHELLO]

Hi all - having had a pretty lonely few years since separating from my XH 7 years ago, I have recently met a lovely guy. I am extremely cautious, for obvious reasons, but we have a few mutual contacts and I trust him. It feels good and I think it may go somewhere. We have discussed him staying over at mine for the first time this week, which I would dearly love to do. But I am so scared of my DD (7) seeing me as a 'slag-mom'...and so worried about what I say to her if she sees him in the morning...they have not met before. Maybe they should meet in a park or something first...but then again I don't want to make too big a deal out of it.
I massively miss - and have been very down recently - about having someone to share intimacy with - it's not about sex as much as having another human being to hold me and to hold. Especially at the moment; which I am finding tough with the prospect of lockdown2.
Please be constructive - I am a respectable woman, and do not have a stream of guys in and out of the house. He is the first one in years. Thanks.

Personally (in my experience of this) even a meal together maybe a bit much the first time your daughter meets your bf.

We did a much less confined type meet. Just walked to a park, so the DD’s could see him but then also ‘escape’ to the swings if they felt at all weird or shy etc.

This was perfect for us. We did stuff like this a few times before going out for lunch.

How long have you known him?

Slag mum is such an awful term to use about women. It certainly keeps them in their place while men are cheered on.

It makes me sick to hear women talk about other women using words like slag and so on!

You need to dial it back regarding contact with your daughter. Take up the suggestions if other posters on here such as meeting on a walk, outside the home. Don't impose him on her in her own home. He is a stranger to her, and by the sounds of it to you too.

Does your DD go to her other parents house? If so, then that is your opportunity for intimacy with your new man and surely will be much more relaxing and enjoyable all round

If you have your DD all the time then I think introduce him slowly, in a non pressured 'he's a friend' kind of way... Definitely don't have them meet over breakfast!

When I was ten I was calling out to my mum... she wasn't responding so I looked around the house...couldn't find her ....so I went to walk in her room (door was open) as I walked in I saw my mums new boyfriend id never met fist deep in my mums fanny. 25+ years later and its certainly not something I'd recommend. Maybe have lunch or dinner and a walk or boardgame...before he's over for the night.

@blinkybill47 oh no , that's awful not surprised it's something you can't forget. Op please take it slow , get to really know him before you introduce them. So many women rush into relationships and it's just not fair on the kids . I see it so much unfortunately. Either keep the relationship completely separate from your daughter or wait a while .

I have a 9 year old DD and am divorced. I worried about her meeting the new guy. I started by mentioning him as my friend. Then she saw him on FaceTime when he and I were chatting. They met out of our home once or twice with him as my “friend”. He has since been to our house when she’s there for dinner. She now accepts he’s my boyfriend. He and I are more openly affectionate. He hasn’t stayed over when she is here (only when she is at her Dads) but we have occasionally frisked discretely on the sofa when I’m sure she’s asleep upstairs. I’ve been seeing this guy 15 months and DD really likes him.

I’d advise you take it slow between the boyfriend and the kid. At least have some casual meetings before he comes into the home when she is there. Does she stay away at her Dads or family? If so use that time for him to stay over. Definitely don’t have him meet the first time “the morning after”.

Op are you avoiding the question on how long you’ve been seeing him?

This is...grim.

But you are at least questioning it op so that’s good!

It doesn’t matter whether you have mutual friends or not. I wouldn’t consider introducing my dad to anyone I had both:

A) Been with less than 18 months.

B) Was very serious with I.e. intending to get married/move in with.

And then very slow introductions over a number of months. A few minutes meeting here out of the home to a lunch, building up to a day in the park and so on.

• Dd obviously, my Dad is a bit more robust 😂

I would sit your little girl down and explain that you have a new friend. I would then introduce them slowly rather then her being shocked and probably scared to see a strange man coming down her stairs. When I was dating my husband (he was widowed with a little boy) I came round initially once son was asleep and we got to know each other well before I met his son. I still didn’t stay overnight for quite a while. It’s a big thing for a child to absorb when they are used to having their parent to themselves. You can still have affection without rushing this.

Since you have repeatedly refused to say how long you've been dating, I'm guess it's only been a short while like a month or so.

The answer is no, don't bring him over.

Just because there are some mutual friends, doesn't mean you know him. Plenty of guys that are angels in the public eye but complete bastards behind closed doors.

He's still a stranger and you really don't know him. It's certainly too soon to trust him.

You may fancy him and feel it is going somewhere but that is likely your loneliness and lust speaking. Taking your time and holding back a bit you'll be able to find out if he feels the same or mostly interested in a long term weekly shag and meal deal.

It's far too soon to introduce him and far too soon to see him as the one and give him that investment and trust. You should be still carefully vetting him objectively, not through fanny gallops and loneliness.

There is nothing wrong with wanting sex and some physical intimacy. You don't have to be 'respectable' or a 'slut mum'.

It's too soon to know if this is going anywhere so steer clear of any introductions until after 6 months and you know if you see a future. Otherwise you're introducing him to your daughter and then he's potentially gone. After 6 months I'd start with casual meetings in the park etc, then maybe lunch.

No big announcement and definitely no meetings first thing in the morning. You don't have to explain or justify your desire for sex - that's normal and healthy- but go about things in the right way for your daughter

Don't introduce him to your DD over breakfast !

@Legooo

This is...grim.

But you are at least questioning it op so that’s good!

It doesn’t matter whether you have mutual friends or not. I wouldn’t consider introducing my dad to anyone I had both:

A) Been with less than 18 months.

B) Was very serious with I.e. intending to get married/move in with.

And then very slow introductions over a number of months. A few minutes meeting here out of the home to a lunch, building up to a day in the park and so on.

18 months?? Blimey did you actually wait that long, or is this hypothetical?

I agree she needs to get to know him in nice fun activities, and not the morning after. Difficult with lockdown, but parks, wildlife parks if possible, that sort of thing.

18 months?? Blimey did you actually wait that long, or is this hypothetical?

I ended up waiting 23 months personally, but my dc had lost their father at a young age and I wasn’t about to rock their world yet again anytime soon.

I went through my DM introducing a new man every three years or so once the last relationship fizzled out. I didn’t want that uncertainty and lack of security (imagine a stranger you have no control over choosing coming to live in your house, it’s a huge deal for a dc, even if they can’t voice it).

How long have you been together?

My son (who had recently turned 4) met my partner after six months of being together, he didn’t however meet him at our home. We went to a little petting zoo and my boyfriend was there for about an hour and generally just spoke to me so as to reduce pressure on my son interacting with him, then we did park a few times, then park and lunch at our flat, then just coming to the flat etc.

Now he did occasionally come over when my son was in bed (but did not stay the night), in normal times I would have friends over most nights, so someone being here isn’t unusual. My son has a hearing impairment and hes a good sleeper, so I wasn’t concerned about him waking up, but we still kept it PG.