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Original poster

New BF staying over...how to handle with DD

68 replies

PIPERHELLO · 02/11/2020 21:14

Hi all - having had a pretty lonely few years since separating from my XH 7 years ago, I have recently met a lovely guy. I am extremely cautious, for obvious reasons, but we have a few mutual contacts and I trust him. It feels good and I think it may go somewhere. We have discussed him staying over at mine for the first time this week, which I would dearly love to do. But I am so scared of my DD (7) seeing me as a 'slag-mom'...and so worried about what I say to her if she sees him in the morning...they have not met before. Maybe they should meet in a park or something first...but then again I don't want to make too big a deal out of it.
I massively miss - and have been very down recently - about having someone to share intimacy with - it's not about sex as much as having another human being to hold me and to hold. Especially at the moment; which I am finding tough with the prospect of lockdown2.
Please be constructive - I am a respectable woman, and do not have a stream of guys in and out of the house. He is the first one in years. Thanks.

OP posts:
wizzbangfizz · 02/11/2020 21:57

I don't think he should be staying over while your daughter is there and think you should proceed cautiously there. If it's sex and contact you want can he done round while she is at school?

Original poster
PIPERHELLO · 02/11/2020 21:58

Thanks all, mostly very helpful. Especially @Happygogoat - thank you. I think I will get him to come over for dinner instead, and tell DD in advance that I have a friend coming round for dinner in case she does come downstairs and see him or anything. And if things are still looking good in due course he can come and say hi / meet her with me in a park or on a walk or something.
Thanks. It is so hard, because my DD is my world, and I would consider myself to be a great mum, but I feel like my lack of a personal life is a massive hole in may life, and one which, now fulfilled, brings me happiness in a way which ultimately makes our home happier in general. But yes, slowly would seem the way to go...thanks.

OP posts:
grapewine · 02/11/2020 21:59

Seems premature without DD having met him first after a while. All seems rushed.

Slag-mum? There was no need.

Original poster
PIPERHELLO · 02/11/2020 22:00

@AnyFucker - 'slag mom' refers to how society seems to view mothers (single mothers) who would like their sexual needs fulfilled. I use it sarcastically.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 02/11/2020 22:01

How long have you been seeing him?

Pebbledashery · 02/11/2020 22:02

@piperhello more importantly also OP.. If this guy is serious about you.. He'll wait. And he'll respect the fact you have a child and don't want her to be confused. You seem like a good mum by putting her feelings first :)

AnyFucker · 02/11/2020 22:03

Please don't use it at all.

Reading that in your otherwise normal sounding op was jarring and puzzling. You have a daughter...don't even think about saying it again, sarcasm or otherwise.

Minniem2020 · 02/11/2020 22:04

DD was 7 when I met dp, I had been seeing him for 4 months before I introduced them & then it was a case of he would come around for a couple of hours, watch TV, play board games etc with us so by the time he stayed over for the 1st time when she was there it was totally fine as she was used to him being there. I'm not saying anyone should wait 4 months before introducing I just wanted to make sure he was a keeper( he was, 7 years later still going strong)

doodleygirl · 02/11/2020 22:05

I think you have got it round the wrong way. Take it slow, meet him in the park a few times, go to the beach. Just take it over months not weeks. If it is meant to be it will work out.

KeepOnKeepingOnKeepingOn · 02/11/2020 22:11

Good for you @PIPERHELLO genuinely wish you the best. When I first met DSD it was in a park, followed by a trip to a farm and lunch. She was 3. Now a teenager! We had a lovely time. She asked Dad if I was a free for a sleepover after a few days. And we've been together ever since. Go for it - maybe he could bring some treats for DD though Grin

Halliehallie9828 · 02/11/2020 22:15

It’s an awful idea to have your dd meet him for the first time when he sleeps over.

He needs to come over for a few months for a hour here and there before you start having him sleep around.

Original poster
PIPERHELLO · 02/11/2020 22:18

Thanks @KeepOnKeepingOnKeepingOn and @Minniem2020 - really helpful to have views of those who have been there. Nice story, Keepon! :)

OP posts:
Original poster
PIPERHELLO · 02/11/2020 22:19

I've told him on second thoughts, I think overnight is a bad idea, and that I'd love to have him round for a drink instead. Like you say, I'm sure he will get it, and if he doesn't, he's not the right one. Thanks all!

OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 02/11/2020 22:21

You seem to be avoiding responding to people who ask how recently you have met this man?

iMatter · 02/11/2020 22:21

@Whysrumgone

Tbh I don’t think the first time a child meets their mums boyfriend should be the morning after they’ve come round to bang their mum.

Absolutely agree with this

There are so many better ways to handle this

daisypond · 02/11/2020 22:22

You can’t have him round for a drink either, surely, unless it’s in the next two days.

ChristopherLillicrap · 02/11/2020 22:26

A first meeting on neutral ground would be better. Much less awkward for everyone - especially your DD.

Why the rush to get him inside her home?

Smallsteps88 · 02/11/2020 22:29

OP you seem to be jumbling up the logical order of things. You get to know him very well, (which you don’t yet as you met him recently) the. You decide if this is a committed relationship, then you talk to your child and tell them you've met someone special, then you ask your child how they feel about meeting them, then you bring your child to meet them away from your child’s home, then you do it again a few times in different environments, and if everything is going well then you start introducing him to your home. You don’t just bring him round for a curry and hope your child doesn’t come downstairs!! Confused where is your head at? You’re not thinking at all rationally.

Smallsteps88 · 02/11/2020 22:31

Also, there’s no such thing as a “slagmom”. Where would you daughter have heard that phrase to be able to consider you one?

RantyAnty · 02/11/2020 22:37

What smallsteps8 said

SpongeWorthy · 02/11/2020 22:47

@Whysrumgone

Tbh I don’t think the first time a child meets their mums boyfriend should be the morning after they’ve come round to bang their mum.
This.

Also "slag-mom"?! What a weird turn of phrase.

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 02/11/2020 22:58

I agree this is not the way to bring him into your daughter's life. And new bf? How new?

Just to comment on your 'slag mom' and 'respectable woman' points, you're doing women no favours AT ALL speaking like that. I find it quite offensive and honestly backwards. Women are perfectly entitled to sleep with someone else as they choose. They don't need other women calling them slags for doing that.

MiaGracie · 02/11/2020 23:18

Get a babysitter and go to his for a shag. In the day or evening. If you really want some company.

If you want more with him then you need to introduce him to your dc because it's more that there is a stranger in the home.
Just like if you go out with a friend and they bring someone you don't know, it's uncomfortable

But I would start teaching yourself ready for when your dc is of age to understand that what the world says about women is incorrect and disgusting.

Making a joke or address how others may see you as a 'slag' needs correcting.

midnightstar66 · 03/11/2020 03:55

Absolutely not, as a single mum of 7 years as well this is totally the wrong way to go about it. You can introduce them without making a big fuss - Bump in to at the park and introduce as a friend, start having 'friend' pop round for coffee then dinner (covid rules allowing) and if that goes well mention friend will be staying over, a gradual intro. I doubt your 7 year old has any concept of what a 'slag mum' is though so hopefully won't think that!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/11/2020 04:23

By the sounds of it I think you are a fair way off from having him stay over whilst DD is there - she hasn’t even met him yet.
How new a relationship is this?
Do you share custody of your child that you could then have your bf round?