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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fiancé told me he doesn’t love me right now

29 replies

Bluejumper2 · 02/11/2020 20:06

My fiancé and i have gone through a tough year (hasn’t everyone?) with little personal space or time to relax. We’ve argued a lot and I haven’t been my best or kindest self because of the stress and also because of our clash in communication styles and ways of working. I’m more driven and anxious whereas he is laid back. I think we are both in the wrong to some extent, as is the case with most relationships. We’re now in a better situation (have our own space and a bit less stress) but falling into the same patterns of behaviour (me being too critical and highly strung, him constantly disengaging and not doing things proactively with passion and energy). At the weekend we had a big row and he said he no longer loved me and had no residual feelings for me. We made a tentative peace on Sunday where he said he wants to get back on a stable footing and be happy again / work at it he has loved me in the past, but I don’t feel that can be true love if you can switch off those feelings. I feel so lost right now about what to do. He’s very stubborn and not particularly emotional, doesn’t care if I’m crying, and we’re struggling to communicate with one another at all. If backed into a corner I think he can be defensive and aggressive and lose all of the bigger picture. I feel so sad. I’ve not been perfect, but I am finding it hard to be kind and supportive or act as a team when someone has told me they have no feelings. It doesn’t feel like a good basis for a future marriage. Would welcome any advice. Thank you

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 02/11/2020 20:08

Have some time apart. You don’t sound very compatible

Aquamarine1029 · 02/11/2020 20:08

I would end the engagement and move on. The two of you should not get married.

SistemaAddict · 02/11/2020 20:11

He's not the one for you. He's been very harsh in what he's told you and there's no coming back from that. You deserve someone who loves you, not someone who needs to work at it.
Cancel the engagement. A marriage of misery awaits otherwise.

Candyfloss99 · 02/11/2020 20:11

I think you should definitely spend some time apart. It might make him realise he loves you and always loved you or it might make you realise you are better off without him. Do not marry anyone who isn't great over heels in love with you.

PilatesPeach · 02/11/2020 20:13

me being too critical and highly strung, him constantly disengaging and not doing things proactively with passion and energy

these words stand out for me - critical people can kill love over time imo and also, not everyone does things with passion and energy or maybe your bar is too high. Sorry but to me you do not sound compatible - you need someone who is more energetic and then perhaps you would not feel the need to be critical.

I recently split from someone who is critical - I am not a bad person and did not deserve the criticism - I want to be loved and accepted for who I am.

Mollymalone123 · 02/11/2020 20:14

As someone else says- end the engagement- you don’t sound compatible 💐

ShellsAndSunrises · 02/11/2020 20:14

I would end the engagement and move on. The two of you should not get married.

This. It shouldn’t be like this.

AlwaysCheddar · 02/11/2020 20:17

I think the relationship has run its course.

Ohalrightthen · 02/11/2020 20:17

doesn’t care if I’m crying

Reread those words, OP. He doesn't care if you're crying. He has to go.

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 02/11/2020 20:23

@Bluejumper2 from your post alone is it really really clear, absolutely obvious, that your relationship needs to end and you both need to get on with finding compatible partners.

I can't stress this enough, it absolutely is not meant to feel this way. You literally explain in your post how his laid-back-ness does not meet your needs. You absolutely cannot marry someone whose basic personality needs to change in order to not annoy you. That way madness lies.

Loving someone isn't a reason to marry someone. It really isn't. You need to be compatible and you just aren't. Rip the plaster off and end it, spend 6-12 months on your own, and then start dating again if you feel ready. Don't marry him, you will ruin both your lives.

Bluejumper2 · 02/11/2020 20:24

Thanks for the responses everyone. It’s my first time posting on here.

I still love lots of aspect of him and am scared to throw that all away. I think the (incredibly stressful) situation we have gone through has given us both a short fuse and made us expect the worst of each other. Has anyone ever recovered from a rough patch like this? If you did, how did you do it?

I agree that it’s not nice to be criticised and that people should be accepted for who they are. I think we can only move forward if I can do that perhaps.

Thanks again for all the comments.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 02/11/2020 20:24

Sounds like lack of "object constancy".

The right choice is to walk away - and thank your lucky stars for the early warning allowing you a clean break.

www.businessinsider.com/narcissism-object-constancy-2017-8?r=US&IR=T

PearPickingPorky · 02/11/2020 20:28

I think this is the end, OP.

Either what he has said is true and he really doesn't love you or have any feelings for you, and if so they won't just come back.

Or, he does still love you but he said that to hurt you.

Either way, I don't think it's recoverable.

Walk away before you waste any more time. Don't flog a dead horse.

Google the Sunk Cost Fallacy.

Whysrumgone · 02/11/2020 20:32

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit. Don’t marry this man op

Calmingvibrations · 02/11/2020 20:34

I think you can feel like you don’t love some one ‘right now’ because they’ve annoyed you, you’re arguing but surely that should be just a fleeting feeling? As in, the love is still there but the rage / annoyance is temporarily over riding it.

From what you’re saying though, it’s more substantial and permanent than that. Which is a really worrying sign. You don’t seem that right for each other, from what you’ve written. I’d end it now before one of you finds someone who is and leaves because of that.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/11/2020 20:35

As partners, you should bring out the best in each other. You should be able to effectively communicate. The love you have for each other should be rock solid, in good times and bad.

This relationship has none of that. You want this relationship to work, but it doesn't and it won't. Stop wasting each other's time. To be frank, I think your fiance is halfway out the door, anyway.

Pollypocket89 · 02/11/2020 20:37

It doesn't sound like a rough patch though. You sound totally incompatible

He also he didn't love you and had no feelings for you. That didn't come from no where

Bluejumper2 · 02/11/2020 20:46

Before this year we had never really argued. We’ve been together 5-6 years. But I agree it’s really bad right now.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 02/11/2020 20:49

You're calling this situation incredibly stressful, and yes perhaps it is. Marriage is full of incredibly stressful times- buying a house, moving house, having children, new job, family illness...

We moved house to a new area while I was heavily pregnant and he started a new job. He was mad redundant then started a new job in a different city while I looked after out DSs and two challenging foster DCs.

Life is very stressful. Your relationship is supposed to help you through stress, not make it worse.

MitziK · 02/11/2020 20:56

@Bluejumper2

Thanks for the responses everyone. It’s my first time posting on here.

I still love lots of aspect of him and am scared to throw that all away. I think the (incredibly stressful) situation we have gone through has given us both a short fuse and made us expect the worst of each other. Has anyone ever recovered from a rough patch like this? If you did, how did you do it?

I agree that it’s not nice to be criticised and that people should be accepted for who they are. I think we can only move forward if I can do that perhaps.

Thanks again for all the comments.

A rough patch is where you get annoyed with him for putting the toilet roll on the holder the wrong way round and he responds to your complaints by leaving them on the radiator instead - not when he says he doesn't love you anymore.
Ohalrightthen · 02/11/2020 20:58

Did he care when you cried before?

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 02/11/2020 21:02

I’m sorry but the not caring when you’re crying is bad. Xh was like that for years, it’s basically cruel when they’re the one you look to for love.

I’m been driven up the wall by my dc but I have never been cold towards them endnote they’re sad.

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 02/11/2020 21:04

When! Not bloomin endnote (which I’ve never typed in my life)

wheresmymojo · 02/11/2020 21:14

What was the stressful situation?

Lockdown is a given. Were there lots of other things?

I ask because honestly a few months lockdown as a couple with no children is a breeze compared to other things you can go through as a married couple.

If lockdown has nearly broken your relationship it really doesn't bode well for the future and I agree with PP that you don't seem compatible.

I don't think you can come back from someone telling the other that the love has gone TBH.

Sunflower1970 · 02/11/2020 21:15

If my partner told me he no longer loved me that would be the end of the relationship. They are words that can never be forgotten.

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