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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH slept with Trans lady.. 6 years ago now!!

26 replies

TaurusMama · 02/11/2020 19:35

hi all,

my husband came home late one night and cried said he slept with a transvestite. We were recently engaged (with no kids at the time) his father dies of cancer a week before. He went after work said he found this person online and went after getting drunk..

it's mad but we are in a hit and miss relationship sometimes things are great and sometimes they're not..

we have a toddler and when we ague it comes to my mind that he done that, like i can't let it go..

i think he may have cheated before but have no proof, just a 'feeling'.

we have built a life together and moved to the countryside.. i am lost with no friends, none of my own money (it's shared), i'm a sahm, lost all confidence now aged 34 and not sure wtf i am doing with my life..

he used to be very controlling but not anymore..

I need to figure things out asap before i look back and wonder what choices i made..

OP posts:
LaMainDeFatima · 02/11/2020 19:40

Trans gender or transvestite ?

chillimartini · 02/11/2020 19:41

Sounds like a crap situation op. Can you say a bit more about how he was controlling before and not anymore?

lonelySam · 02/11/2020 19:42

Is the problem that he cheated or that he cheated with a trans lady?

SoulofanAggron · 02/11/2020 19:44

when we ague it comes to my mind that he done that, like i can't let it go.

I don't think most women forget any form of cheating.

lavenderlove · 02/11/2020 19:44

He probably isn't as controlling because he's got you out in the countryside with none of your friends around you. Knows where you are all the time because you're a sahm

AnyFucker · 02/11/2020 19:45

He slept with a bloke ?

Amber0685 · 02/11/2020 19:49

Regardless of what he did or didn't do it sounds as if you need to look after yourself a bit more OP. I know it is really difficult at the moment with lockdown, but in the future maybe look towards becoming more independent eg toddler groups, volunteer work

iklboogeymum · 02/11/2020 19:49

A transgender person post op, pre-op or cross-dresser / transvestite / self IDer?

tilder · 02/11/2020 19:49
Hmm
CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/11/2020 19:49

You need to unpack all.of that for yourself.

He slept with someone else
He slept with a man
His dad died
You backed off, understandably.
Now you are in a less than rewarding relationship.
You think he may have cheated - again

Do you think he is gay or bi sexual?

What do you want to do?

FippertyGibbett · 02/11/2020 19:53

He slept with a man and you stayed with him ?
Not only that, but you stayed and had a baby with him.
If you think that’s an acceptable life for you and your child then that’s your choice to make.

MrsSpringfield · 02/11/2020 19:58

ow aged 34 and not sure wtf i am doing with my life..

Listen. It's not too late. You are fully able to build an independent life for yourself. Not saying it would be easy, but you are capable of leaving and being fine. You can be in control and you can leave this man if you want to.

I would! Given he shagged someone else and clearly it's still playing on your mind. Leave at 34. Better than leaving at 44 or 54 or 64. You can do it

ThirdThoughts · 02/11/2020 19:59

It's ok to change your mind. It doesn't really matter if he isn't as controlling and cheating now as he was in the past.

You don't have to stay in a relationship that you don't want to be in anymore, if you don't.

CorianderLord · 02/11/2020 20:04

Why are you with him? He cheated, was controlling, things aren't great a lot of the time and yet you're financially dependant on him somewhere where you have no friends.....

Get out if you can

Dontbeme · 02/11/2020 20:07

@lavenderlove

He probably isn't as controlling because he's got you out in the countryside with none of your friends around you. Knows where you are all the time because you're a sahm
This is what you focus should be OP, you are isolated from friends and family, not working and without money of your own. What is the financial set up? Joint account or does he give you money if you ask? Is there anyone to support you in real life, any family that you can trust to talk things out with? Could you access counseling to help figure out what you would like to do going forward?
ReneeRol · 02/11/2020 20:07

He doesn't need to control you because he has you under control. He controls the money, you live far from a support system and you don't work outside the home.

Straight men don't sleep with men. He won't have done that just the once.

Silvergreen · 02/11/2020 20:09

@lonelySam

Is the problem that he cheated or that he cheated with a trans lady?
Hmm
Original poster
TaurusMama · 02/11/2020 20:55

Hi all, apologies for ignorance, he slept with a male who had female look.. god knows I’m useless at this!

I am still unsure what to do and we have been together such a long time I would not know where to begin/to leave/where I would live/finances..

We have a joint account with shared access at any time..

I question myself on why I am still here sometimes - yes we had a baby, yes I’ve made some bad decisions but it’s the future life I see for myself - how I go forward..

My family are a bit useless and have lots of drama of their own..

I’m aware I’m fully co-dependent on him and it stems from my childhood the attraction of security etc.,

But I’ve literally lost myself and now have a beautiful boy to bring up and be strong for..

He got very aggressive today when we argued and my son got upset downstairs.

It’s weird I consider myself a strong person, but clearly not..

Lost and confused.

OP posts:
Redwinestillfine · 02/11/2020 20:59

Have you only just found out? So sorry you are going through this op. Cheating is cheating. You have every right to be livid.

Original poster
TaurusMama · 02/11/2020 21:53

@MrsSpringfield thank you

OP posts:
Weenurse · 02/11/2020 22:02

Make plans to leave.
Get a job, get paperwork together, look at accommodation, seek legal advice, look at what assistance you would get and set a budget.
Do what you need to so you can walk away at any point in the future.
Look at counseling for you and him, separate or together.
Once you have the means to leave you won’t feel so desperate.
Good luck

DailyCandy · 02/11/2020 22:04

Taurus - you sound like you need to get out of there. Given how he’s behaving - may he coming to the conclusion that he wants to end it but he’s taking a cowards way out: telling you about something he expects you would find intolerable and then also being aggressive with you.
Can you get away from him for the time being? Are you safe?

KnightsofColumbusThatHurt · 02/11/2020 22:07

@LaMainDeFatima

Trans gender or transvestite ?
Does it matter?
Kanaloa · 03/11/2020 00:05

Regardless of the trans issue, the main problem is that he cheated on you and doesn’t seem to be a good partner or a very nice person. It can’t be pleasant for you to be with someone who is aggressive and upsets you and your son.

You say you wouldn’t know where to begin with where to live/how to leave - if there’s nobody you can talk to in real life, could you try calling a helpline or charity? Women’s Aid could maybe help point you to the relevant authorities to help you if you want to leave.

Legooo · 03/11/2020 00:12

Cheating is cheating, though I must admit it would repulse/hurt me more if my husband had had sex with a man (whatever the length of their hair or what they were wearing!). I would feel they clearly wanted something I could never give them.

What do you want to do OP? I think you would be perfectly justified in running a mile.