I can't get the words out to him. I can't tell him that I want out

[BreathlessCommotion]

I'm even bored of myself now, so don't expect much answer. DH has a history of emotional abuse/sexual coercion, finanacial control but promised to change last year when I said I was leaving. And mostly did change, but I don't think its enough, the damage is done, I'm still scared of him, I still wait for the nasty comments.

But because I said I'd try again (partly cos I could see the nastiness coming out again over lockdown) I feel awful.

He's even asked me outright if I'm ok. But I cannot get the words out, I cannot tell him. What is wrong with me? Someone give me a slap. Or shout or me or something.

Being away from him is the appeal of renting somewhere and just going. Sorting everything else out after.

But then I get annoyed that I could keep the dc in their house, if he would just move out. I think even if he technically agreed to that, he would drag his heels finding somewhere.

I worry about the upheaval for the dc. One of them has ASD and I know will find it all so hard.

If you want to minimise upheaval till everything is settled and I very much get that, 2 asd boys myself. Something a friend did, could you rent the 2 bed flat, but kids stay in house and you swap in and out so whoever has that day/night with the kids stays at the house and whoever doesn't stays at the flat. Its an unusual solution. It worked really well for my friend but obviously wouldn't work for a lot of families.

That really wouldn't work with an abusive man.

I was thinking that hollowtalk after I posted, silly idea 😳. Personally I think I'd just want to move out, get away. Rent a place and tell him just before you're ready to move out if that was possible. My friends ASD DS was surprisingly OK with moving out with his mum to a new place when she separated from her abusive ex. The split happened virtually over night and she moved out very quickly. The kids weren't aware of the issues so very much out of the blue, but they've coped fine. Maybe it won't be the issue you think it will BreathlessCommotion.

I have an appointment with solicitor.

And I'm wavering again. What is wrong with me. I know that I have been unhappy for years. Yes there have been nice times occasionally, but I've thought about leaveing for years. And yet when the reality sets in I am wavering again.

I think your reluctance comes from an instinct that he will react badly and you could be in danger
You don't have to tell him, make arrangements privately and leave

The key with abusers is to never put yourself in a position where them doing or refusing to do something means that you're stuck (as much as is possible)

As much as it probably makes sense for him to be the one moving out, while he knows that if he doesn't then you'll be stuck right where he wants you, it'll never ever happen.

You moving out is difficult for a lot of reasons, but there's nothing he can do that can actually STOP you moving out.

@StormTreader

The key with abusers is to never put yourself in a position where them doing or refusing to do something means that you're stuck (as much as is possible)

As much as it probably makes sense for him to be the one moving out, while he knows that if he doesn't then you'll be stuck right where he wants you, it'll never ever happen.

You moving out is difficult for a lot of reasons, but there's nothing he can do that can actually STOP you moving out.

or in other words..... never let them be in a position where they have power over you, assume that they will exploit any advantage that they can see or smell This person wants to dominate control and exploit, he will always look for ways to do that, you must never give him the opportunity

I'm going to try and arrange a viewing of a 2 bed flat today. It will do for a short period. Most important, it is close to dc school so oldest can still walk there himself (important to him).

The thing of not saying anything and just going goes against what we do for my dd with her ASD, which is to prepare her in advance of stuff. Hope that springing something in her doesn't disrupt her too much. She is doing so well at the moment, really flourishing at school from being a school refuser.

I suppose I'm scared that it's the wrong decision to, which I know is daft based on all the history. That somehow I'll regret it. I think living like this for years has eroded my self confidence in making decisions.

You are doing the right thing. Once you have settled in the flat, you can sell the house/buy H out, if he can't buy you out, he won't have the option.
Alternatively, present him these facts, & tell him, that he should be moving to the flat, as in the long term he will have to move anyway.
That this will ultimately be less upheaval for the DC.
You have tried to forgive & forget, but you are not happy & this is the end. No point in fighting over it.

I think I'm stuck for a while. Once again I enquired about house/flat, but it has already gone less than 12 hours after being advertised. The estate agent said there is a massive shortage and as soon as anything goes on they are deluged with calls.

There isn't anything else I can do but keep trying to find somewhere I suppose.

I talked to him. Which just resulted in me sobbing. I can't stand it when he's upset, or angry or cold. I'm so confused.

I’m sorry you are so upset. I’m not sure that talking to him is the best way to work out your own feelings.

Would you consider getting some counselling?

I’m afraid the agent is right about rented properties. I know of one flat the went on the market last week at 9am and was gone by lunchtime, the first viewer took it. He had his application in that day, complete with references , pay slips, credit checks and bank statements and he paid the deposit the following day.

There’s little room for indecision when demand is so high.

I've been having psychotherapy for about a year. I've just started my second round. Although it's not quite the same as counselling.

Talking to him just gives him more opportunities to abuse you. His abuse is causing your confusion.

A solicitor's advice will be different when they know there is domestic abuse - there are more options open then.

You need to remember to make your decisions based on the long term not the short term. For example, it may cause a short period of anxiety and distress to your daughter to have you leave safely and swiftly but in the long term living in an abusive home would cause huge damage and ongoing anxiety and distress.

Don't screw yourself over in the long term to get momentary relief from the difficult emotions that leaving and finally processing everything that's happened stir up. Those emotions are temporary and they will pass. But not if you stay.

The purpose of abuse is to control you. It is impossible for you to negotiate an end to the relationship with him because he would lose that control - hence the emotional manipulation and refusals to leave.

You have to take back the control yourself. You don't need to find a 'forever home' to move into, you just need a stepping stone that gets you away from him so you have a chance to start healing and building your life up.

I really, really hope that you are able to get away soon. Did you speak to Women's Aid in the end?

Does the therapist know that you are currently being abused and suffering active trauma?

YY, I’m wondering if the psychotherapy is adding to your confusion and not helping it.

She does, although as it is psychodynamic psychotherapy, and we've only had one session (my previous year was with another therapist). In this sort of therapy she just sits and generally doesn't respond much while I talk.

I think my inbuilt need not to upset anyone isn't helping.

YY. You will end up saying what you think she wants you to say. And you will find the lack of responses from her to be stressful.

You will feel she is angry with you. Or bored.

Is it the same type of therapy you had last year? I don't have any experience with that type. I tried talking with a therapist earlier this year about everything and I just ended up feeling re traumatised. It made me feel scared again like it had just happened instead of being a year ago. Then I started a different type of therapy where the focus is more about moving forward and that seems more helpful, at least the one session I had didn't leave me feeling traumatised. It's important to find the therapist and type of therapy that works for you.

What did you talk to him about? One thing I'm trying to get from therapy is the strength to leave without any closure. I realised I've been trying to get him to see my side so that he'll acknowledge everything he's done and give me permission to leave in the sense that he'd acknowledge things are unworkable after everything he's done. And he's never going to. If he was the guy that could do that I wouldn't need a divorce. I don't know from your post if you were seeking validation of some kind or trying to end things. If you want to leave, if that's the end goal it doesn't need justification (he'll never accept it anyway) , or agreement, just a straightforward "when a suitable flat comes up for rent I'm leaving with the kids'. Though I agree with PP, if you're in a position to leave tell him at the last moment or from your new home. One of the reasons I'm struggling to find the courage to instigage a seperation is moving out isn't an option for me. And there's no way to force DH out so we'll have to live together until the divorce and house sale are finalised.

Yeah same type of therapy, different therapist. It isn't specifically for the emotional abuse, but for mental illness I've had for years.

That's is exactly it. I want him to agree that this is the best decision. Today he said I was being unfair because he had tried really hard. And that I had shut him out and need to talk to him more.

In your circumstances I would also leave while hes not around and then either call or leave a note.
Do take care. Good luck.

How would I explain that to the dc? They are 11 and 8.

You tell them that you and their dad are splitting up. You and they are moving to a new house.

He will still be their dad but you won’t be married anymore.

You are splitting up because of adult reasons - it’s not anything to do with them, it’s nothing they have done.

They are old enough to understand - they will have school friends whose parents are divorced.

Explain They can take all their belongings and stay at their own school ( I assume that’s your plan ) and keep al their friends.

All this takes a lot of planning and you will need support . You can’t do it overnight ( although obviously you would have to do so if you were in danger ).

You need to decide first if you want to leave. Then once you are sure, you make a plan and implement it.

Women’s aid can advise you.