I can't get the words out to him. I can't tell him that I want out

[BreathlessCommotion]

I'm even bored of myself now, so don't expect much answer. DH has a history of emotional abuse/sexual coercion, finanacial control but promised to change last year when I said I was leaving. And mostly did change, but I don't think its enough, the damage is done, I'm still scared of him, I still wait for the nasty comments.

But because I said I'd try again (partly cos I could see the nastiness coming out again over lockdown) I feel awful.

He's even asked me outright if I'm ok. But I cannot get the words out, I cannot tell him. What is wrong with me? Someone give me a slap. Or shout or me or something.

[BreathlessCommotion]

I haven't been able to get through to women's aid yet. Every time he goes out I call, but they are being inundated I think.
How do you know for certain you want to go. This is what I am driving myself mad about.

[AlreadyGone44]

I don't know. I want to, I don't want to, it changes moment to moment. I think it's hard to hang onto that feeling. But I can't keep living like this. And I know our relationship is toxic and unfixable. I can't save it, because he's never going to change and now I don't want to save it anymore. So I expect sooner or later we'll reach a moment where I can't take it anymore and I tell him it's over, except without all the trying to get him to understand me stuff that he used against me last time. And twisted back into me promising to try harder and staying.

[BreathlessCommotion]

I totally recognise those feelings. My issue, or perhaps his issue, is that he has changed. And he has maintained it for almost a year now. But to me he only did that in order to stop me leaving, not because he came to any revelation about his behaviour.

[Honeyroar]

It doesn’t matter if he’s changed or not. You don’t feel right, you don’t have to stay. What you feel counts too... You’re conditioned into being told what the decision is by him, not making your own decisions. You need to get used to the fact that it doesn’t matter what he thinks,

[AlreadyGone44]

But it's too late, or too little, or not right for you. You don't owe him a relationship. I know it would be too late now if DH 'changed'. I wouldn't trust the charges or him, I'd still be on edge. Somethings you can't come back from.

[BreathlessCommotion]

There's a child at my dc school who is a school refuser, always see mum struggling to get into school. I sympathise, my dd was a school refuser for years and I spent many years dragging her through the gates.

Dh came back from school run and said he was sad as he knows the reason the child refuses to go to school- because the parents are separated and she has to go to her dad's for two days and she doesn't want to. So she runs away from school.

When my dc were very small our childminder said similar to me. Another child was very clingy, didn't want to let her mum go. Childminder said "that's what happens when parents split up, that's what it does to children"

So now I feel great.

[StormTreader]

The thing to remember is that people don't tend to point to the bullying or aggressive or overly timid child and say "see? Thats what happens when disfunctional or abusive parents don't split up, that's what it does to children" but it's just as valid.

Staying together is not an automatic guarantee of happy content children, people just feel less able or willing to comment on that because its not as visible as splitting up.

[AlreadyGone44]

What Stormtreader said. And I've never seen research using the real comparison groups. Which is outcomes for kids in disfunctional relationships where parents stay together versus outcomes for kids in disfunctional relationships where parents split up. There's no point comparing our situations to happy marriages, that's not an option. The options for the kids are you and him together as you are now, versus you and him separated.

[lazylump72]

OP clarity is what you need and you need to see the future in black and white...the easiest way to do this is pen and paper,pros and cons of your life together what you will gain if you stay,what it wil cost you personally if you stay,what you find acceptable to compromise on and live with and what he is really like..then do another on what you would gain from leaving,how your life would be ,how you would feel being alone and the financial cost to you....take the kids out of it for a while,they are adaptable and want a happy mum more than anything ,they arent daft they will see and hear things they will feel things arent right,,,when you can see it all in black and white you can then fine tune it and see if you can find a solution. This so helps to focus and calm your mind ...worth a try I would guess,

[BreathlessCommotion]

If I take the kids out of it then it is easy, I'd leave. They are the only reason I've even tried to make it work or stayed as long as I have. I actually asked a few friends if they would still be with their dh if they didn't have children. They all said yes. For me that answer is a clear no.

But I'll do it, I'll write it all down.

[TheAdventuresoftheWishingChair]

I'm not sure psychodynamic therapy is right given where you are in your life right now. Don't get me wrong, I think it can be very interesting and useful but you need support and care. I think sitting there and not getting much back from the therapist is just going to push your buttons right now and there is time to reflect on things in that way at a later date.

[BreathlessCommotion]

I will talk to the therapist about it and see what she says.

As to pros and cons, I found it quite hard to do any pros if I removed the dc from the picture. Any pros I have are related to them having a family together and security. Although I/we would have more money and financial security if I stayed.

When I got to pros of leaving it was theme of freedom! Not having the knot of anxiety all the time about how he will react. Not having to manage his emotions. Being able to go on holiday (he hates it), travel being allowed to spend my money on what I want and not always what he thinks is important. Or having to hide what I buy (nothing ridiculous, just new jeans or whatever). Being free to socialise with friends without feeling guilty. He's never prohibited me, but would make me feel so guilty or bad about going out that I just stopped. I had given up thinking about my 40th next year as he will just make organising anything really stressful.

Downsides are my job involves some evening/weekend work which could be trickier on my own. I would hope we could co-parent well enough to manage this.

[WakingUp55643]

I'm not bored of you at all @BreathlessCommotion I've seen quite a lot of your posts and your replies to other posts, and feel that we are in a similar position. I know exactly what I want, but I just can't do it. It's always the wrong time, things like birthdays or Christmas or holidays are always on the horizon. Or he goes through a bad time and I have to back down and just be the supportive wife. I feel exactly the same in that if we didn't have kids, I'd have left years ago. The thought of ruining things for them is the only thing stopping me. I could happily take the financial strain, the extra work running the house (although that wouldn't be a big difference at all tbh) and juggling arrangements if it meant I could be free. But the thought that I am responsible for those two boys trumps everything I want for myself. I am so sick of flipping back and forth a million times a day between "i need to end this and find some happiness for myself" and "ffs just suck it up and get on with life". Last night I went to look after my brother who has epilepsy, and we never normally talk about anything deeper than football or what's happening on The Chase, but he must have sensed my sadness last night and out of the blue told me to do what would make me happy, even if it seemed hard, and that I need to live my own life. I never cry in front of him, but I was in floods. He said all he wants is a happy sister. He's had such a hard life and it really hit me that he wants me to make the most of mine and not get lost in a sense of duty. Anyway, I really feel for you OP. I hope we can both get to the end of this x

[BreathlessCommotion]

A week ago or so he very suddenly said that we should spit, amicably as he realises how unhappy I am and that waiting and hoping for that to change is making him unhappy too. Its all been very calm and cooperative. We've talked about the house, the finances, the child care arrangements. I've had it confirmed I could remortgage the house and buy him out, he can't afford that so would move out nd buy somewhere.

We still sit and watch TV in the evening together, make each other tea and coffee, we are still sharing a room- which is fine, it doesn't feel weird and we don't have a spare room.

We have agreed not to tell dc until we have firmer plans- ie where he is living and probably not now until after XMas. We've told family and friends privately.

But, but, but...when he first said it I felt like a huge weight had been lifted, I was relieved and happy than for a long time. The last couple of days I have started to worry that this madness and I might regret it. It isn't like I suddenly want to have sex with him again, but I'd love a hug. And I feel like I am hurting 3 people to make myself happy. And I terrified that I will regret this.

[HappyDays10101]

I am sure its very rare to split up and not worry you'll regret it, especially when it upsets the children. I was worried that I would regret it., and what I actually found was that it was bloody brilliant - barring Dd being sad about it occasionally.

Children are harmed by unhappy marriages, and they are harmed by bitter divorces. If you can divorce and keep things civil then that seems like the best outcome here.

[WakingUp55643]

Stick with it @BreathlessCommotion I'm sure you won't regret it. It's my dream for my dh to suddenly get it and realise it's time to move on. I don't think mine ever will. And I really understand the weight being lifted but then the doubts creeping in, it's only natural that you would feel this way. But don't panic! You both know this is what you need to do. Good luck and keep us up to date x

[BreathlessCommotion]

I think I am sad for that marriage that I thought it would be, sad that it didn't work out. That whatever happens, and I do believe that we will remain amicable, we won't ever be that family unit again.

He has changed and I do believe he regrets his behaviour. But it's too late for me. I wish this could have been addressed years ago so we had a chance to sort it out..

[Tulip55]

Stay strong @BreathlessCommotion, you took too much for too long and you have reached your limit, you didn't deserve any of it. I am in a similar situation, as I said previously. I dont think i can ever forgive him for the past and even though he has made a lot of effort i dont think we will ever be able to have a healthy relationship together now. I told him yesterday that I can't get over the past and we are over. We haven't talked about the logistics of it yet. I just said I want the kids to have a nice Christmas, hoping we can manage that.