Started dating and bringing along daughter and friend things I’m wrong.

[Fightingback16]

So I started seeing a guy who I’ve known for about 8 months or so as a friend, lives very close. As I knew him for so long and I’m a single mum with no dad involved my daughter who is 4 also got to know him. Had a laugh, we all watched films together just as friends.

Now about 2 months ago it changed into something else. Which for me is a massive deal coming out of an abusive 11 year marriage 2 years ago. I thought I would never like another man again. But I do and he is totally different and safe and secure.

Yesterday we went for a walk, and my daughter came too as it’s just me. Some evenings my mum looks after so can go alone and see him. My friend has said that it’s totally unacceptable that I took my daughter along with him. I haven’t shown him any affection in front of her, maybe cheeky hand hold when she wasn’t able to see. It was just 2 friends going for a walk and they already have a friendship anyway knowing each other so long before. She does think a lot of him.

Was I in the wrong, I don’t want to be a bad mum?

What a silly friend you have!

Yeah kids shouldn’t date their parents new partners. The two should be kept separate until you know the relationship is going to be a committed relationship. Just because she knows him doesn’t mean it fine for her to be part of your love life. You’re only bringing her out of convenience. Arrange childcare when you want to see your boyfriend.

So I started seeing a guy who I’ve known for about 8 months or so as a friend, lives very close. As I knew him for so long

8 months is very much not “long”.

No, not wrong at all, IMO.

The way you're handling it sounds perfectly reasonable to me. It would be more strange to have her suddenly stop being included, simply because you've taken the next step.

Ordinarily I'd say yabu but as you've seen him with her as friends it seems silly she now can't go on a walk to the park with you.

I wouldn't let her know he's your bf until things are more secure, and I'd do it slowly. No sleepovers when she's there etc.

But it's totally different to taking her on your Tinder date

Your friend sounds jealous.

She doesn't sound jealous, she sounds sensible. You've known him for 6 months, now you're dating and taking your daughter out and having 'cheeky hand holds' when you think she's not looking.

You are involving your daughter in your new relationship and that's not great. Keep the two separate

Your friend sounds pretty unsupportive OP. But remember this man is your friend, not your daughter’s, it’s your relationship, not hers. She’s a child and I think these are important distinctions.

You can’t even have spent much time together I’m guessing due to lockdown. I stopped dating altogether in March and I’m always surprised on here when people talk about their relationships that started then.

I’m with your friend I’m afraid. Dsis and I were taken on many a date with dm and it was very unsettling.

How does your boyfriend feel about these family dates? I'll be honest, if i was going out with someone and they brought their kid on all the dates, i'd be quite put-off, because it would look like they were simply auditioning new parents, rather than wanting to be in a couple with me.

Others will feel differently, of course.

But I do understand how hard it is without childcare! I’d suggest saving up for a babysitter, though I know it’s a pita

I think your friend sounds pretty sensible given you’ve left an abusive marriage fairly recently. Ultimately it’s doesn’t really matter what anyone here says. But it’d be wise to be cautious especially as you have a child to think of.

It stands out to me you think 8 months is a long time. Its really really not. You still don't truly know him. Its for that reason he wouldn't be around my child. Did you do the freedom plan or any post relatio ship counseling after you left your abusive ex? If not i would absolutly do that first. Shes looking out for you and your child, why would she be jealous?

I'm a single parent I know it can be so lonely but I also know my kids are absolute priority no compromise there, so I've not bothered for the last 5 years. In that time I've definitely grown and learnt more about what I really want from a partner. Have been able to look back and see what wasn't great (no abuse) and what i would do differently. I'm very secure now and don't need a partner. If the right person came along I am in a very good place emotionally and mentally.

Take your time.

The other thing I’d add from my experience of being the child in this situation is please don’t both of you bring children. I remember thinking Is this going to be my new sister/brother?

I’m sure you wouldn’t be as thoughtless as my dm! Just putting it out there.

He's not your dd's friend, he's yours. Eight months is not a long time. I do take your point that you got to know him as a friend first. Keep it that way, as far as your dd is concerned.

Boyfriends come and go. You can't introduce them all to a child, it's unfair and very unsettling. She's not a toy, for other people to play doll's house happy families with, for as long as it suits them.

When you have someone you've dated for a year or two and have decided on a future together, then you can gradually introduce them and the idea of their being something other than another one of your friends, to your dd.

Yeah sorry 8 months is not long, just meant not met on the internet, he actually lives very close and we saw each other a lot during lock down as lives few doors from my mum who I moved into. Sitting outside and talking, other kiddies playing social distancing obviously in the street. My mum has known him for years and I think wanted us to get on.

Anyway, I definitely wouldn’t have brought her if we hadn’t already done it as just friends. There wasn’t anything different other then what I think in my mind.

My friends thinks its acceptable to meet strange men off the internet in hotel rooms and I don’t so I’m not sure if she is being helpful or just not happy. But I will slow it down in front of her for sure.

He doesn’t have any kids.

It's fine OP, hand-holding won't traumatise a child. He's your friend and she knows him as a nice man. Enjoy it.

I don’t mean to seem stupid. I’ve only had 2 relationships, one 5 years and my 11 year marriage so it’s all unknown ground to me and having my daughter now.

He makes me feel happy and I never EVER thought I’d have feelings again for another.

@anxiousanxiety

Your friend sounds jealous.

She really doesn't.

I think who your friend meets where is irrelevant unless she is also taking her child along so I’m not sure why you brought it up.

If it all ends completely with this guy will you’re daughter question is (ie are we going to X house, why can’t we go for a walk with X anymore) if so then you shouldn’t be involving her as it could all end quite easily and then you’ve hurt your daughter by introducing her to and letting her getting attached to someone you were not in a stable relationship with. I think you are being very careless with your daughters emotions.

FFS the comments above are mad! Of course you shouldn't be bringing your DD on dates!

Hooking up with guys in hotel rooms is very different. Unless your friend takes her dc along, then what two consenting adults choose to do privately is entirely down to them.