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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Started dating and bringing along daughter and friend things I’m wrong.

51 replies

Fightingback16 · 02/11/2020 09:37

So I started seeing a guy who I’ve known for about 8 months or so as a friend, lives very close. As I knew him for so long and I’m a single mum with no dad involved my daughter who is 4 also got to know him. Had a laugh, we all watched films together just as friends.

Now about 2 months ago it changed into something else. Which for me is a massive deal coming out of an abusive 11 year marriage 2 years ago. I thought I would never like another man again. But I do and he is totally different and safe and secure.

Yesterday we went for a walk, and my daughter came too as it’s just me. Some evenings my mum looks after so can go alone and see him. My friend has said that it’s totally unacceptable that I took my daughter along with him. I haven’t shown him any affection in front of her, maybe cheeky hand hold when she wasn’t able to see. It was just 2 friends going for a walk and they already have a friendship anyway knowing each other so long before. She does think a lot of him.

Was I in the wrong, I don’t want to be a bad mum?

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 02/11/2020 10:31

My friends thinks its acceptable to meet strange men off the internet in hotel rooms and I don’t so I’m not sure if she is being helpful or just not happy. But I will slow it down in front of her for sure

Talk about deflecting!

It's perfectly fine to do what your friend is doing as long as safety precautions are in place. What you're doing affects your child.

Gazelda · 02/11/2020 10:32

Does your DD know he's your BF? Does she know you go to see him while she stays with Nanny? Have you stayed overnight at his?

Its generally seen as too soon to introduce a BF 8 months into knowing him, but this is obvs different as he was a neighbour/friend first.

And I wouldn't call a walk with a neighbour/friend a date. But I'd cut out the cheeky handholds.

Your DD has had a tough few years. 2020 has been odd in the extreme. I wouldn't add more confusion if I were you.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 02/11/2020 10:40

It wasn’t a date, we were going for a walk anyway. No friend doesn’t take her child but she has been on a few dates and sleeping with them. She told me to sleep with this man ASAP and then was funny when said I did and he still is speaking to me.

No she doesn’t know I go at night or that I see him any other time. It was just a walk.

OP posts:
lepardprint · 02/11/2020 10:48

OP you've done nothing wrong. I too was in the same situation, alone with two children, and low and behold ( will get slated for this) my children met him after a matter of weeks. I knew him years as he's a friend of my brothers.
Moved into a new home together after 5 months. 3 years later, that man is now my husband. And he's the most wonderful man I've ever met.
Sometimes you just have to trust your gut and there are some lovely men out there, it's hard to date as a single person and you've not flaunting it in your child's face. Good luck to you xx

Clymene · 02/11/2020 10:57

@lepardprint

OP you've done nothing wrong. I too was in the same situation, alone with two children, and low and behold ( will get slated for this) my children met him after a matter of weeks. I knew him years as he's a friend of my brothers. Moved into a new home together after 5 months. 3 years later, that man is now my husband. And he's the most wonderful man I've ever met. Sometimes you just have to trust your gut and there are some lovely men out there, it's hard to date as a single person and you've not flaunting it in your child's face. Good luck to you xx
The OP was in a long term abusive relationship. Trusting her gut may not be the best idea.

OP - have you done the freedom programme as another poster asked or had any therapy about your marriage?

Electricbugaloo · 02/11/2020 10:58

@Fightingback16 who cares if your friend meets 75 men and sleeps with them. She is the only person who will be affected by this and she is a grown woman.

You on the other hand are letting your child have a relationship with and get attached to and spending time with a man who you are not in a stable relationship with. If this all ends tomorrow you’ve hurt your daughter by involving her. That is why your friend has said you shouldn’t be involving her.

To be honest it sounds like you don’t want to have to curtail the time you spend with this man which you would have to do if you can’t bring your child along with you all the time and instead can only meet him when you have suitable child care. So now you’re on here trying to justify that it’s ok for your child to tag along on what are now dates given you are involved with this man.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 02/11/2020 11:00

This particular friend has been particularly unsupportive through the entire thing really. When I came out about my husband she was like why did you put up with that, I’m strong I’d never put up with that. And then the why don’t you just sleep with this man, why are you waiting what is wrong with you. I don’t know of I’ve generally overstepped with the walk or whether she kind of not happy for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fightingback16 · 02/11/2020 11:04

I honestly just thought it would be a walk with friends like if I walk with any other friend it would be no different. You can have friends and fall out also. I’ve walked with him and daughter before as friends.

This is such a minefield.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fightingback16 · 02/11/2020 11:05

Yes I’ve had therapy and done the freedom programme. No red flags at all.

OP posts:
Clymene · 02/11/2020 11:09

Take the friend out of the equation. What you're asking is, is it a good idea to take my 4 year old out on daytime dates with a man I've just started seeing.

The answer is no, it's not. He is no longer just a friend, he's a man you're sleeping with

One of the reasons women end up in abusive relationships is because they don't have good boundaries. That's not their fault - women are groomed by society to ignore our boundaries, to see boundary pushing behaviour as romantic. So - I'm not saying your boundaries are crap but unless you've done a good bit of work on them since ending your marriage (and well done for getting out), they could be.

movingonup20 · 02/11/2020 11:16

Seems fine to me.

Electricbugaloo · 02/11/2020 11:16

@Fightingback16 I honestly just thought it would be a walk with friends like if I walk with any other friend it would be no different. You can have friends and fall out also. I’ve walked with him and daughter before as friends.

I assume you are not having sex with all of these friends? Just this man? Have you met other friends to the same frequency you have met this man and had your daughter interact with him recently? Especially during lockdown.

It’s really not a minefield. You are now dating this man. Date him without your daughter present whether that’s a day date walk or evening date until you know down the line whether it’s going somewhere. Unless as I said previously you don’t want to have the forgo dates until you have suitable childcare which is even worse as you’re knowingly putting your daughter in the middle of this to satisfy your own need to see this man.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 02/11/2020 11:19

Yeah because I’d walk out of my life, leave everything behind and struggle for my daughter to have a life without her abusive father to then not be able to deal without a date and force her to meet my new man...no I wouldn’t do that, I just was a bit unsure about things but I understand now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fightingback16 · 02/11/2020 11:21

And no he is the first man I’ve had sex with for over 2 years Since leaving and before that only my husband. I’ve done a lot of work on myself because he practically destroyed me.

OP posts:
Electricbugaloo · 02/11/2020 11:22

@Fightingback16 so it’s not the same as going for a walk with your friends. It’s a big deal and a new relationship and your daughter should be kept out of it going forward until you know how it’s going to work.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 02/11/2020 11:40

Yes I get that I do. What I kind of was unsure about was she was included in the relationship before for over 8 months so now do I just not include her?

OP posts:
Electricbugaloo · 02/11/2020 11:51

I would not include her now. If it all goes well then down the line you could include her again with him as your boyfriend. If not then you haven’t had her get more and more attached to him.

Clymene · 02/11/2020 12:17

She doesn't have to know you're seeing him. Then it's just about you and him and you cam make decisions solely on that basis rather than worrying what she thinks. Make the most of it!

ProfessorInkling · 02/11/2020 12:18

Mumsnet is weird about things like this.

I met my boyfriends daughter after six months - kept it light and casual, took her to the park, watched a film, played some board games. She is younger than my own DC and my BF and her mum separated when she was a baby. Mine are older and I separated from their dad when they were 6/9 so I waited longer, over a year actually.

Neither choice was wrong and it worked for us and our DC.

Friends can be great for advice and support but widen your net if you can.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 02/11/2020 12:35

Well that’s the thing they already met and she thinks he is funny and she does like him, like however 4 year olds like people. It has confused me a little as if they hadn’t of known each other I would have kept it separate. But I will now.

OP posts:
Dontknowwhyidoit · 02/11/2020 13:20

I was also a single parent for a few years and didn't introduce my kids to my now husband for months, they would sleep at their nans in the weekends I would see him and I got to know him very well before I introduced him as my boyfriend. The relationship was about me and him and enjoying adult only time as I didn't get that very often. Take it very slowly, you need to know he can be trusted around your daughter and as others have said, she doesn't need to get emotionally attached until you are sure that this relationship is going to go the distance and that can take years. I have first hand knowledge of people who have moved their new partners into their homes v early into relationships and the children have been abused so this is always at the forefront in my mind unfortunately.

Sssloou · 02/11/2020 13:56

How has she got to know this random neighbour of your mothers in the last 8 months most of which has been in lockdown - who has no children of his own - and how is she playing out in the street “socially distanced” at 4 years of age outside your mothers house - and how is this man relevant or prominent in this set up?

You have been in a RS with him two months - you are rushing it or he is lovebombing - that’s why you are asking MN for clarity because you gut is saying No. Not just your friend - who you also sound like you have poor boundaries with. You have been in a b long term abusive RS - your posts on here even recently have shown a v damaged and broken woman due to his ongoing abuse.

You have not done very well at the Freedom programme to declare there are no red flags - the answer is “to date”.

Be careful - take it slow - you sound vulnerable and easy to exploit. Keep dating - keep you DD out of it for a year.

Imfromhere · 02/11/2020 17:18

I will try give a slightly different point of view. In the 2 years since ExH and I split up he has introduced our 6 year old to 4 different women who he was "just friends with". A couple of weeks later he would admit that they were a couple and as our DC had already met them as friends then the waiting at least 6 months before introductions that we had agreed on didnt matter. He then spends every contact with DC with the new partner.

As you can probably guess none of these relationships worked out past the 4 month stage. Just because DC knew the person as a friend and not a partner doesnt meant that they still dont ask questions about why they dont see them anymore.

Hes at it again with the latest "friend" and has spent 95% of all the time he sees DC with the new women and her kids. Sleepovers etc and weekends away with all the kids. But in his head it's ok, DC won't be upset or confused when it inevitably finishes and they dont see this women and kids again because they are "just friends".

My advice would be just take a step back a little and spend some time with him without your DC being involved. Just for a few months so you can be as sure as you can be that the relationship is going somewhere.

Itsalwayshard · 02/11/2020 17:18

So you went for a walk as "friends" as far as your DD knew. Nothing wrong with that. Will your female friend not go for a walk with you with your daughter either?? Because technically that's all it was. Yes you are now in a relationship but as long as there wasn't any PDA's then its fine. The world is a lonely place right now enjoy the company. I'm sure your DD would think there was something wrong if she wasn't included in a walk all of a sudden Flowers

Bbub · 02/11/2020 17:22

It was just a one off rather than her joining you on "all the dates" as a pp put it.... It sounds fine to me.

He seems like an OK guy so far, you're taking it slow and not making a fuss about him being your bf (or the "new dad" which I've sadly seen a friend do), it really doesn't seem to be a big deal at all.

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