Desperately want to divorce DH but so scared!

[Mollymommy]

I so desperately want a divorce from my husband. He is so controlling, with money, time and what I do. He thinks it’s tit for tat on who does what with the kids (we have 3 children) if he gives them breakfast it’s like his super nanny!

I’m so scared, I want to tell him, I just can’t imagine it going down well. I also can’t imagine what the next step will be, I don’t know how we can afford to run two households, who will move out. I’m at such a loss. I feel like I’d be doing the kids out of their home because we’d definitely have to sell up and downsize. But I just can’t imagine spending the next 10/20/30 years with him, I just feel so sad all the time, like I’m just existing here and trying to be present for my kids.

Op, do you have any RL support?

Get some legal advice, you shouldn't stay with someone who makes you feel this unhappy. Good luck op.

Have you discussed your feelings with him at all before? Would this be a surprise to him?
I think if not, then you need to tread carefully and really work out what you want to say and how you discuss it with him.

I really empathise with what you wrote and how you are feeling, are these feelings there most of the time? Do you have any times when you think the relationship is retrievable? X sending lots of hugs OP

I think you need to prepare before u say anything yet, find out all the finances , savings, mortgages etc u both have then copy them and seek legal advice . Do not automatically assume you will lose your home, you have 3 children and have to live somewhere and it may be yr home. You should also look up yr benefit entitlement. Also important to note my mum stayed in abusive relationship, i grew up and did the same . Thankfully i left him once i started to tell people who were horrified and helped me see it was not normal and leave . I learned to put up a rubbish relationship from my mum !

You can do this! Get legal advice. Pay for an hour. Find out your rights. You don’t have to stay in a miserable relationship

The first step is not telling him you want out, the first step is speaking with a solicitor and getting your exit plan sorted out.

You describe a controlling man - he may have the capacity to get worse when challenged. So find out your options and sort out your plans first.

Step 1 is gather up all financial information you can find. Payslips, P60s, pension details, mortgage paperwork, everything.

Step 2 is make copies of everything. Number them. Make a list of the numbered documents. This will save the solicitor time and make it easier for them to advise you.

Step 3 is (assuming he won't notice) hide the kids passports, red books, all key paperwork...preferably outside the house.

Then, go to the solicitor. Stick to bare facts and finances, their time is expensive and they aren't there to listen to war and peace about why your H is a dick.

Good luck OP.

Thank you everyone.

It has come up twice before, when my first daughter was around 2 and I was stupidly talked into staying and then we had 2 more kids. And then last year and about 2 months ago, but he cried, begged me to stay, promised me he’d change, which he did for a couple of weeks. But I’m still so unhappy. I just try and live a separate life now to make me feel better. Don’t bother to argue about when he’s out, how much he drinks, when he’s coming home. I just act like a single parent now, it’s less stressful.
I’m working really hard to pay off my debts, as he sneakily lumbered a £10k loan on me. At the time we were having work done on the house and taking it out of the mortgage and we took the loan in advanced to get started and when the money out the house came he said “why don’t you carry on paying the loan and we’ll use this money to pay off my credit card, it’s all our money anyway” I was stupid and said ok!!!!! Now I have an £8k loan left to pay!!!

You're married, so if he benefited from the debt in your name (work on the house in this case, so should count), he can be held jointly liable and therefore it should be sorted during the financial settlement in a divorce. So don't be scared thinking you're going to have this massive debt hanging over you.

You could start by telling him you are upset by the debt in your name and if he wants to make you feel more secure in the marriage and prove he has changed, let's put that loan in his name.

See what he says to that.

but yes as everyone says, don't say anything about splitting to him right now. Instead, see a solicitor, and gather all evidence you can of earnings, pensions, etc.

I’m at a sore sticking point now. I spoke to a financial advisor today who told me I’d probably only get a mortgage for £116k which even with my £60k deposit is no where near enough to get a house. He said ideally I need to get a financial agreement in place through the courts. I literally don’t have two penny’s to rub together, I don’t know where to start or how I’m ever going to get out and set up and secure for my children!

I’ve told a few people now, my mom, sister and best friend and they’re all trying to offer a great advice but I feel like without a magic pot of money I’m just trapped! I’ve been crying most of the day.

FA suggested to sell the family home and rent for a year, but it’s going to mean throwing so much money away I just really don’t want to.

I can’t really do much else now but wait until we have a proper conversation after Xmas. He said last week “I don’t know what you’ve got planned but just know I want 50/50 custody of the kids” which would be fine if it wasn’t completely unrealistic, his job just won’t give him the freedoms to do that. But I don’t want to hash it all out this side of Christmas as we’re both about to break up from work and spend 18 days together! I’m dreading it!!!

Never mind a financial advisor, you need a family law solicitor. It may well be that you keep the house anyway and it’s him that has to worry about the mortgage, for example.

And they ALWAYS say they want the kids 50/50 without any concept of what that means. My idiot ex suggested one week in each of our houses, an hour apart, no concept of how we would do the school run for example. Then he worked out that was stupid and suggested that I have them all term and he has every holiday! Er, no! They’re so full of shit, and they say 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance but very very few men can deliver on that.

OP,
Try Women's Aid for help.

You are being controlled and manipulated, and financially abused by him.

Seek advice and support as you want to get away.

Get as many copies of information that you can.

Do not hesitate to ring the poluce if he is in any way threatening.

Get anything logged with the police.

Are you working?

Yes, you need a family law solicitor. So many have advised this, but you are ignoring them! Without knowing where you stand legally, and therefore financially, you are just guessing wildly at possible outcomes. Seeing a financial advisor, without knowing where you stand legally, is pointless. As category 12 says, it’s best to see a solicitor before you make any decisions or have any discussions with your husband or anyone. It will really help clarify your options. For emotional support you can try and find that elsewhere of course, as no doubt you will need that too.

Yes and Women’s Aid too.

He won't be able to do 50/50, very likely a bluff. You can get more than half, many women do.
You need to split up even if it does mean renting short term but it prob won't come to that.
Why did he say that, has he been snooping on your phone?

@Grittlelayrabbit

Never mind a financial advisor, you need a family law solicitor. It may well be that you keep the house anyway and it’s him that has to worry about the mortgage, for example.

And they ALWAYS say they want the kids 50/50 without any concept of what that means. My idiot ex suggested one week in each of our houses, an hour apart, no concept of how we would do the school run for example. Then he worked out that was stupid and suggested that I have them all term and he has every holiday! Er, no! They’re so full of shit, and they say 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance but very very few men can deliver on that.

very good advice 🌺

A family lawyer is on my radar, but it’s a huge expense, which I just can’t do at the moment. Now that Christmas is out the way I’m going to be desperately saving where I can. I work, but I’ve not long gone back from maternity leave, and I went back part time to start with, but went back FT in October. I’ve got a huge childcare bill, the loan and a credit card, I feel like I’m in a deep black hole at the minute but I know what I’ve got to do, save save save.

It’s not a huge expense. Where are you getting that from? It’s that kind of exaggerated thinking that has kept you in this marriage for so long. This is what you do. You google the name of your town and solicitor divorce. You email half a dozen of them saying that you are in a financially abusive marriage, want to divorce but don’t have access to financial resources. Can they offer you a free half hour of advice to get started. Then see who replies. I had two free half hour sessions. Even if you do decide to pay it would cost around £200 for an hour. You don’t have to commit to use them and you don’t have to spend thousands. You need a half hour of proper advice.

My sister was in this position. She was able to loan via the solicitor from the equity in the house so it all just got paid at the end.

There will ALWAYS be a bill to pay/thing to do. They re excuses not reasons.

Why do you have the childcare bill? Doesn't your H pay towards it too?

That’s a good idea about emailing a few places. I will try that. Hopefully they will be able to see I’m good for the money eventually when I get the equity out of the house.
He pays the mortgage and I pay the childcare.

How are you OP 🌺

Are the mortgage and childcare approx equivalent?

Hi, I’m doing ok and feeling positive, I have saved like mad and paid £1900 off my debts and my credit rating is “excellent”, so just trying to put myself in the best financial position possible really. I’m in the UK so back in full lockdown and just trying to stay amicable. Had a rough New Year’s Eve because he was drunk and unimpressed that I wasn’t interested in celebrating, it was a very awkward evening 🤨 he’s still more bothered about putting on a show for the outside world that everything is fine Especially on social media. It’s easy to hide away at the minute and keep it all a secret which seems to make him happier and gives me a quieter life. I have told my neighbour though which has been a great release and me and her have been going on walks so I’ve had someone to chat things through with. Thank you for checking in on me, my plan now is to just get through this lockdown and keep saving my money where I can and then start putting plans into place in the spring