He has another child

[blueelephant91]

This is possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to write. In the last 48 hours my world has turned upside down. I received a message on Facebook to say my son has a sibling and how similar they look. The long and short of it all is basically my partner denied it but it is true. This happened 3 years ago, where my partner was in two relationships at once for 7 months (myself and someone else). I feel so so sick and I just don't know what to do. He was told at the time she was pregnant and she told his family and friends. He's had no contact since. I feel like I can't speak to anyone in my life, I have told a couple of friends and my parents, but I don't want to speak to them about it right now. Now we are entering another lockdown. I don't really know why I'm posting this on here. I just feel so numb and have no feelings at the moment, until something triggers me and I break down. There are 6 months between my son and the other child. Has anyone ever been in this situation and is now on the other side? Thank you and sorry if this has happened to anyone else or it is a trigger for you.

Not been in this position but things to consider:

1. He cheated on you. Is this forgivable?

1. He fathered a child and instead of stepping up he stepped away. What kind of man does this?

1. You confronted him and he lied.

No 1 is bad enough but No.2 is really bad.

What kind of partner is he? What kind of dad is he?

Personally for me there would be no going back but i would make sure my son knew his half brother.

That is a horrendous shock. Why has he never told you? I couldn’t get past that, especially as his friends and family know.

@SortingItOut Yes I know all of this. Sorry I forgot to state, there's no way I can stay with him. I cannot stand liars and trust is huge. I think that's what is the worst. He is supposed to be my best friend, we've been together 4 years and I just can't process how I can be lied to. Unfortunately we have just got into a new house together and then there's lockdown.

So three years ago you knew there was another woman he had been sleeping and that she was pregnant and now you surprised?

@Seenobody apparently couldn't remember. Which says it all really.

@StopGo no I didn't know a thing.

I realise my message may not make sense, my head isn't in a good place at the moment. I didn't know anything about any of this until 2 days ago.

Oh, what a terrible shock,

You
Must be reeling.

Did you know about the other woman at the time? Or any time since?

And all his friends and family knew she was pregnant?

I would send him to stay with one of those friends or family and join their household for lockdown.

Right now you need to think about you and your child. Could you partner go stay with someone for lockdown to give you some space? I'm shocked he and all his family knew and never said anything. His other poor child too having no father around.

I'm so so sorry to hear this, I really feel for you, and didn't want to read and run.

I don't have personal experience of this, however a friend of a friend was the OW of your situation.

When the DH's wife found out, she allowed him to stay on the agreement that he would never have anything to do with OW or child again, which he has stuck to.

It's very sad for everyone involved in this kind of situation, so I would advise that you focus on doing what's best for you and your DC.

Thank you all.

I've been speaking to the other woman involved, she's lovely and the half siblings will definitely know each other.

Bloody hell that's awful.

If I were you I'd ask him to go and stay with his family as you need time to think without having to listen to him. You don't owe him the opportunity to justify himself, certainly not at the moment.

I'd also consider sending a message to to mother of your ds's sibling and telling her that you will get back to her in a few months when you are ready. Don't act in anger there. There is a possibility of a lifelong relationship for your son there.

Sorry cross posted with you.

It’s good you’re leaving him. Your language is interesting, maybe it’s still sinking in. He was in two relationships so much as cheating on you and having unprotected sex with another woman, getting her pregnant and presumably coming home to you who had no idea. That’s disgusting and wholly unforgivable. I really feel for you. Please do talk to your friends and family. The shame is entirely his, you’ve done nothing wrong and you deserve support and people to lean on.

It is so, so unfair when men do this, and what they impose on their children. The men do what they like and no one else has any way to protect against the consequences. The half sibling exists, also brought into a difficult situation. Which to turn out positive for the kids means HUGE emotional upheaval for at least one if the mothers. Women and kids picking up after men.

I am so sorry, OP.

Lots to think about for the future but for now do what you need to look after yourself.

Why did she tell you now? Why not years ago?

Wow that’s amazing and just reminded me of a lovely story, I have a friend who’s mid-twenties and very close to her sister. However she’s told me that actually it’s her half sister, dad was a cheating arsehole, the women found out and both decided to make a stand for their children’s sake and raise them knowing each other and supporting each other like family would and both kicked the man out of their lives!!!

So yes, there are so people who turn around a situation like this and make it a positive one. So sorry for this cheating spineless man

I’m assuming the other woman was unaware of your existence. Unlike his family and friends, who knew and colluded.

Is there anywhere you can go with your child before lockdown commences (I’m assuming you’re in England not Wales/NI/Scot). I think you need physical distance.

Make him leave and stay somewhere else. Family or friends. You need space to process this. What a wanker.

There so many different layers to this deception, it will take time to process. The shock of the reality alone is massive, then factoring in the lies you have been told, not just by your husband but by his family and friends ( even just lies of omission). I have been lied to by my family about something (quite different to this) and it made me question what was real and what wasn't. You need something solid that you can trust to hold onto just now.... Do you have that?

I'm sorry, it's an awful time as well. Very unfair to you and your DC...

Cross posted, too.

I've been speaking to the other woman involved, she's lovely and the half siblings will definitely know each other

This is good. You sound strong OP, but take it very very slow.

Did she know about you when she got pregnant? Who contacted you about her child?

God, what a despicable snake, to deny knowledge of his child and not support. What a coward he is.

I'm sorry for your distress op. Your heart must be absolutely broken to find out this.
This happened to a friend of mine. They were at a wedding and the pig she lives with slept with another woman. Fast forward nine months and she has a baby boy. My friend stayed with him. He has taken nothing to do with his son, he never even financially supported him. Nothing. My friend was devasted at the time, she was in fact suicidal. I think if she had been able to get past that devasted stage and her anger came through she would have left him. But, she then fell pregnant herself. Their little boy was born with profound learning difficulties and they almost lost him more than once. She believes she is being punished for not standing up to him and making sure his other son has support, even if it was only financially from a distance. Her partner is the worst that a man could be. He controls her to the point she cannot leave the house as its not worth the grief she gets. Violent, narcissistic abuser, and I'm a mental health nurse so I do not label him lightly. I have no idea what type of man can simply forget he has a child. My friend is now trapped and she has no other support for thier own son so she does 'need' his help if you see what I mean. He loves that. And.... He is actually a great father to thier son. On the outside of course as his son is simply another tool to use against her. I'd she could go back in time she would have picked up and left the minute she knew about his other child. To be honest she believes he would simply have moved in with this other woman as that would be convenient for him. He has to get his narcissistic supply in some way.
I know your domestic situation is different, at least I hope it is, but that betrayal will eat into your very soul. And what about your partners other child? If you stay with him does that child now get to be a part of your family? Even though he has been ignored all this time?
I hope you have time to care for yourself today op and if not then make time. My thoughts are with you

whose child is older?
Are you married- presumably not.

So playing two women along however many years ago isn't good. But it happened.
Then a pregnancy occured- and he should have stuck with the woman that he got pregnant. Was that you- or the other woman?

@NightRiders thank you. I appreciate that. I've told her I will speak to her when I'm ready which I'm not right now. I've got to process what's going on. I definitely haven't acted in anger and neither has she with me. Got to try and take the positive out of the situation.

@AnneLovesGilbert yes I realise my language is probably all over the place, I feel numb and can't quite understand what's going on. I feel like I blame myself for the other child missing out as well.

@YesIDoLoveCrisps it wasn't actually her who told me, it was a friend. She had given up trying to get in contact with him as she had tried with his family and friends too. She was just as shocked.

I'm trying to take everything in baby steps. Just to get through each hour.

I would be more pissed off that he walked away from his child then that he lied tbh. That kind of scum isn't something I could ever continue a relationship with.