He has another child

[blueelephant91]

This is possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to write. In the last 48 hours my world has turned upside down. I received a message on Facebook to say my son has a sibling and how similar they look. The long and short of it all is basically my partner denied it but it is true. This happened 3 years ago, where my partner was in two relationships at once for 7 months (myself and someone else). I feel so so sick and I just don't know what to do. He was told at the time she was pregnant and she told his family and friends. He's had no contact since. I feel like I can't speak to anyone in my life, I have told a couple of friends and my parents, but I don't want to speak to them about it right now. Now we are entering another lockdown. I don't really know why I'm posting this on here. I just feel so numb and have no feelings at the moment, until something triggers me and I break down. There are 6 months between my son and the other child. Has anyone ever been in this situation and is now on the other side? Thank you and sorry if this has happened to anyone else or it is a trigger for you.

What a shock OP, I'm sorry for you.

It's no doubt going to take a long time for you to process all this properly, but I'm glad for your sake that you've already recognised you won't be able to stay with him and I hope you don't allow him to talk you round from this, as you're never going to be able to trust him after such a betrayal.

I hope your child and their sibling can form some kind of relationship in the future once you're in a better place and that it can be a small positive to come out of the situation.

@blueelephant91 sorry I misunderstood your post. You must be beyond devastated.

So all his friends and family have known all along and never said anything? That's low.

@blueelephant91
Great plan there to take everything hour by hour.

Whatever you are feeling right now is the right way to feel, have a look at the 5, 7 or 10 stages of grief because you are going to go through it all.
You need to allow yourself time to grieve for your life you thought you had in the past and the future.

You know need to rush anything, yes lockdown is a nuisance but it does give you time to sort things with no knee jerk reaction and to start making plans for your and your sons future.

My cousin did this to his wife.
They’d been TTC for years without luck and off he trotted had a one night stand (although could have been a full blown affair for all we know) and got the OW pregnant. Totally ignored her and the child, carried on with regular life like nothing had happened. Even went on to get his wife pregnant.

A couple of weeks into his wife’s pregnancy the OW appears at his mother’s house with the child and blows the whole story to the whole family.

Needless to say I felt truly awful for his wife who was a genuinely lovely lady. He’s always been an asshole though ALWAYS. She stayed with him until her baby was 3 months old (my understanding is that her culture would have frowned on her leaving him whilst pregnant- I don’t really get it but I try not to judge as it’s not my culture)

Anyway; she’s in a great place now and much happier without him! Although she will never see eye to eye with the OW - who knew full well he was married and who he was married to!

I haven't been in this situation but a friend has. Even more weird was the father used the same two names for both kids, just the other way round (ie James Levi, Levi James). Luckily they have both concluded long ago the father is a waste of space and they don't have anything to do with him. They keep in touch by messenger but nothing major. The boys can decide that when they are a bit older.

It’s bad enough that he did this to you, and lied to you for so many years. What’s worse is the fact his family kept up with the lie. They knew he had another child and lied to you, as well as brushing off his other child’s mother, repeatedly. Honestly, you’re well rid of the whole lot of them.

Sorry this happened op, it’s an awful situation to be in.

He just pretended he didn’t have a child? I couldn’t get past that. Was he paying any child support?

OP - you sound amazing, look after yourself and give yourself time to get your head around everything.

This happened to a friend of mine. Her son is five months older than his other son. He married the other woman (was essentially forced to, it was a cultural thing, rather than leave her “in disgrace”). My friend went on to have another child with him. They co-parent but are no longer together and he lives with his wife (who knows about the first child but not the second).

I'm so sorry op. You sound so lovely and strong.
Right now get him out of the house and just try to focus on looking yourself and dc. You're in shock I expect.
-Tell someone you can trust to support you rather than flying off the handle. You don't need any more drama today.
-Make arrangements with family for a childcare bubble for lockdown.
-Take things day by day - make sure you're eating, sleeping, and little tasks around the house.

His level of deceit is almost sociopathic. I'm so sorry he's done this to you but it's not your shame, it's his. Hold your head up high

So she has only just found out about you as well?

OP please focus on your own mental wellbeing and your Childs... take all the time you need to adjust mentally to what has happened.. Im so sorry for your pain 🌺

He knew, and his friends and family knew, and none of them told you?

The other woman didn't know he was involved with you?

Had he been paying CM for the other child?

God, OP, that is such a lot to process. Huge hugs.

You must be in a state of shock OP. I am sorry.

There is so much for you to get your around and forgive;

1. Your partner being unfaithful
2. Your partner hiding he has a son
3. Your partner's family and friends concealing the truth

In my opinion your partner failing to support his child is the worst factor in all of this. I cannot abide by men who financially, emotionally and physically neglect their child. Or those who deny their child of their very existence - the damage this has on a child.........

I am so sorry, this must have been such a shock .

The first step is to start coming to terms with it... give yourself some time. The second step is to end your relationship and get rid of your partner, sort the financials etc. and get him out of the house. Only after that do you have to decide what sort of relationship you'd like to build between your DS and his half-sibling.

So sorry OP. It's not just the cheating, that's horrible enough - It's the fact he totally turned his back on his own child. That level of callous is incomprehensible to me. You've had some good advice on this thread. Look out for yourself and your child. I hope you've a good friend or family member you feel able to speak to as well because you've had a massive shock.

In my opinion your partner failing to support his child is the worst factor in all of this. I cannot abide by men who financially, emotionally and physically neglect their child. Or those who deny their child of their very existence - the damage this has on a child

DP sitting next to me whilst I scroll and he just said near enough the same thing.

I wouldn't be able to even look at him. Send him off to his mother.

i couldn't get past the denial of and failure to support his own child