Mother's swearing rages at me

[PantomineDay]

Always had a difficult relationship with my mother, who was pretty self-absorbed when I was growing up, the "ignoring" kind. It was mostly when I reached my mid-teens that her verbal attacks started. They've been going on on an annual basis for the past 40 years.

At times in recent years we have got on better, maybe because I have laid down boundaries and made it clear through actions e.g. NC periods that I 'm not taking any crap.

However, recently I spent the weekend with her, helping her with stuff, as she's in her 80s now. At the end of the weekend, over a trivial issue, out of the blue, she started calling be a "fucking bitch". This is par for the course and these raging meltdowns are an annual or bi-annual event - and I only see her once every month! Basically rages coming that out of nowhere, her getting inexplicably furious and insulting, FB is her favourite term of abuse. The rest of the time she is fairly OK and we can even get on well ...

What do people make of this? Anyone had this kind of mixed experience? The 10% like a banshee?

She does this at other people very occasionally - close friends and family. Her family don't really speak to her anymore. The rest of the time she comes across as fine and sociable. The "unhinged" is revealed to the unlucky few. I'm just so tired of it now. Her latest rage shows she hasn't really learnt to control herself, and I think it may only get worse with ageing. Its very sad for everyone .

I'd be disciplinary - like you would with a child having a tantrum. I wouldn't necessarily go no contact with her but I would speak to her calmly and in a measured way and say that it's unacceptable and you will not be spoken to like that or called names or sworn at.

I would tell her that she needs to keep her temper intact and the next time she swears at you or has a temper tantri you will walk out until she learns to behave herself.

There is of course the possibility that this is a sign of the onset of dementia but the fact that it's typical behaviour suggests that it us a personality trait.

I should say the hatred and spite in these sudden brief but poisonous meltdowns would be hard to describe. They have been very destructive to me in the past - I have on occasion felt completely destroyed and hated after she has vented her spleen, though she seems oblivious. Now I'm a bit "meh" about it, "here we go again" kind of thing, its almost laughable. But at the same time I don't want to put up with it either.

No its not dementia, she has always been like this. Dementia may make it better or worse.

I could tell her I suppose not to do this in a calm way. But I don't think she thinks she is doing anything wrong. I am the enemy!

I just don't want to speak to her though at the moment. She knows I don't like it, she knows the destruction its caused, she knows this as I've protested in the past.

Maybe I'll write to her is best. Just saying for her to get in touch when she's calmed down. And to make the point that if she insults me or calls me names again thats it. Then if she doesn't get in touch, there's my answer? I dunno.

I feel for you. My mum is in her 50s but has occasionally raged like that, although not abusive name calling. I wouldn't allow her to treat me as she has in the past anymore, I would leave. In this case, if I were you I would say something like, 'I won't be called names/treated that way, so I'll leave now.' It's hard because you have to emotionally distance yourself and you can't have a real relationship with someone with those traits. But you shouldn't have to put up with abuse. The stately homes thread is very helpful for this kind of issue.

Oh she really HAS learned to control herself as you said yourself the rest of the time she is fine and sociable - she just does it to the chosen few.

You really do not have to put up with this. If, or the next time she does this to you, wherever you are, don't speak to her, simply walk away, go home or whatever else you want to do, and wait, really wait, until she contacts you to apologise.

Do not give in. She has 'trained' you to accept this behaviour as her given right. Well it isn't. You are a human being and as such, are entitled to be treat with respect.

The thing is op, in all likelihood she can control it. It's deliberate.

If it was verbal tourettes or if she was genuinely fussed that she treated ppl around her like this, she would have seen a doctor about her behaviour. But I'm guessing that has never happened.

She is a bully. Whether you are 20 or 80, there is no excuse for it. Be prepared for her to start using the 'my daughter abandons me' card in future to all and sundry when you go low contact.

But I would suggest staying low contact constantly. As low contact as possible.

Thank you for taking the time to post. Its so upsetting really. I'm tearful now. Its like I get a handle on it, and then out pops a grenade ...

I should add the rest of the time she can be fine - or at least OK.

Sometimes helpful, even occasionally kind in the last few years.

So, its somewhat confusing.

However, I am also noticing (her age I think) she is getting more easily irritated and rigid and more on the verge of anger if not having actual meltdowns.

My mother always used to be like that making it difficult to spot when she did get dementia. She just got gradually worse, falling out with friends and neighbours until the penny dropped.

Do you just stand there and listen to this abuse? I would walk out the door the second it starts, every time.

Sorry to hear your experience too, Pantheon and Captain.

I also can't really get my head round why you would call your adult daughter a F.B., for no obvious reason, just an inexplicable escalation of rage.

I think on one level, I'm trying to make sense of it, probably a futile exercise ...

I don't "just" stand there Aqua. But usually she picks her moments. We're on holiday. The last train has gone and I can't get home - I've spent the night on the streets before. Other times I do immediately leave, of course. Or tell her to leave. A few times I've got "straightbackatcha" mode. But whatever the course of events, the damage has already been done by then if that makes sense ...

I’m really sorry OP but you don’t have a difficult relationship. You have an abusive parent. Frankly I would go no contact.

@Wolfie

Sorry. I know that’s so hard but no normal parent would speak like that to their child. And not just once
You deserve so much more than to be treated “fairly OK”.

Would you tolerate this from a friend?.

How good do you think your boundaries are in relationships and with regards to your mother?.

She has trained you from childhood to serve her at your overall expense. Its not your fault she is this disordered of thinking and you did not make her that way. NPD also is a personality disorder and she instilled the fear, obligation and guilt buttons in you from an early age.

This is precisely what narcissistic mothers do to their now adult children and the only real course of action to you left going forward is to have no contact with her. Many narcissists can get worse with age too and she has no filter anyway. Narcissistic rage too is what you're seeing from her now.

Its hard being practically the only one left who bothers with her (and you only do that because you've had special training) and you've probably only hung around in the forlorn hope that she will somehow change. She will not change, this is who she is. You need time to heal from her; being with her at all has harmed you immensely. DO look at the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, Out of the Fog and the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. You will fit right in there.

You do not mention your dad at all; where is he?.

And if you did write to her, she will merely use your words against you so its no point in sending her a letter.

Write it all down by all means BUT DO NOT SEND IT TO HER.

And never go on holiday with her again. Reclaim your life from her toxic influence.

Thank you Wolfie, that made me cry.

I forgot to mention she has also done some pretty awful things to me over the years. Causing scenes, being abusive, refusing to help me in any way, even on occasion actively sabotaging me.

Example 1: when I was 22 I was seriously ill. We had had a row 6 months earlier when she accused me of drinking her wine or something petty and ridiculous which she escalated immediately. I was desperate and needed to rest and rang her to ask if I could spend a few days at xmas with her (I had nowhere else to go and was very ill indeed). She slammed the phone down on me.

There's more examples from that back catalogue, but I'm not going to go "on and on". I think I've got across what I needed to. Thanks for your replies, it means alot that I have been able to 'get this out' somewhere.

@CaptainMyCaptain

My mother always used to be like that making it difficult to spot when she did get dementia. She just got gradually worse, falling out with friends and neighbours until the penny dropped.

Is it also linked to dementia? My mother has always been prone to irrational rages and has always been completely self absorbed. She has no friends and has been asked to leave a couple of clubs because of her rudeness to other members. She is 85 now and these rages are more frequent and literally over nothing (most recently when my father purchased the wrong type of lettuce!). Her fury is mainly directed at my father now - I presume she does (or did) have control of these tantrums as she is wary of raging at me. Increasingly, I wonder if the fact that they are getting worse is due to dementia.

This is not at all linked to dementia. The OP has mentioned in her earlier posts today that she has always been like this and otherwise self absorbed. OP's mother is an abusive disordered of thinking person.

Read about narcissistic personality disorder and see how much of that fits in with your own mother's behaviours.

Oh and she kicked me out of home when I was 17 for absolutely no reason. I was a really gentle quiet girl .

@goatyogawithphil that's exactly how it was with her. Eventually it came to such a head (she was terrorising my dad who would not hear a bad word about her) I phoned their GP surgery for advice and they sent a doctor out the same day. I can't say it's always dementia but it definitely was in my mother's case. It could have been diagnosed years earlier, I expect, but we were so used to her tantrums.

So sorry Pantomine. Your mother has failed you as a parent on every single level. Its not you, its her.

Is your dad still in your life?.

Time for you now to reclaim your life and start the long process of recovery from this lifetime of abuse at her hands.

She does have disordered thinking Atilla, though I'm not sure if its narcissism. I've read loads about the subject (I had an NPD boyfriend briefly, how scary was that). She does fit a few of the boxes but not the majority. Regardless, she definitely has disordered "thinking" and is not the full shilling. At our last row she accused me of turning her family against her with my lies (paranoia). The reality is I've never said anything to them. She has managed it all by herself .... oh God, this is all so exhausting. I need 2 months to recover from this latest episode.