Mother's swearing rages at me

[PantomineDay]

Always had a difficult relationship with my mother, who was pretty self-absorbed when I was growing up, the "ignoring" kind. It was mostly when I reached my mid-teens that her verbal attacks started. They've been going on on an annual basis for the past 40 years.

At times in recent years we have got on better, maybe because I have laid down boundaries and made it clear through actions e.g. NC periods that I 'm not taking any crap.

However, recently I spent the weekend with her, helping her with stuff, as she's in her 80s now. At the end of the weekend, over a trivial issue, out of the blue, she started calling be a "fucking bitch". This is par for the course and these raging meltdowns are an annual or bi-annual event - and I only see her once every month! Basically rages coming that out of nowhere, her getting inexplicably furious and insulting, FB is her favourite term of abuse. The rest of the time she is fairly OK and we can even get on well ...

What do people make of this? Anyone had this kind of mixed experience? The 10% like a banshee?

She does this at other people very occasionally - close friends and family. Her family don't really speak to her anymore. The rest of the time she comes across as fine and sociable. The "unhinged" is revealed to the unlucky few. I'm just so tired of it now. Her latest rage shows she hasn't really learnt to control herself, and I think it may only get worse with ageing. Its very sad for everyone .

goat

the raging about the wrong kind of lettuce, sounds familiar.

With dementia rages if until that point they have been loving, caring parents, the adult child often finds a way to "deal" with it. But if your parent has always been like that, especially when you were young and vulnerable, and now if anything you see the rages getting worse, what then?

Thank you Attila.

No, my dad's dead a long time. He wasn't in my life anyway.

xx

Think it was changed recently to you only need 2 out of the 9 main criteria for npd to be classed as one of them (used to be 5 I think).

They are all different. But the things you've said definately imply some sort of cluster b personality. My guess would be npd too. But either way, it is disordered behaviour. And it is abuse.

Sorry to read that too re your dad. He also failed you as a parent.

Whatever the reasons for her disordered thinking, it is NOT your fault she is like this. She has some form of untreated and perhaps untreatable personality disorder. She does not have to tick all the boxes you've looked at to describe a narcissistic person (not that she would ever be diagnosed in a professional capacity because they really do not think there is anything wrong with them). The fact you went onto have a narcissist for a boyfriend is not all that surprising to me. He was a continuation of what you already knew from home.

Yeah, my dad failed me too (more tears).

My first boyfriend was lovely actually. The NPD boyfriend was short-lived, and when I was much older - I got shot of him quickly. But I've had lots of men in my life who didn't care about me, that much is true.

My dad was in my life in a very minimal way, passing, I should say. Not a bad man, just properly emotionally not available to me, and so forth. Interesting, most of my boyfriends the same ...

My first boyfriend wasn't lovely btw, but the best of the bunch!

This was painful to read. I grew up with a mother who, to the outside world appeared Very respectable, middle class and in a caring profession. My childhood was blighted by her rages. They seemed to be reserved only for me. She would become enraged about little things and totally lose control. This could happen in public too and she would be gritting her teeth and swearing and ranting under her breath. People would notice and I would just want the ground to swallow me up.

As an adult, I had to live with her for a few months when pregnant and she became enraged and punched me in the arm along with all the usual ranting.

At other times she could be generous and imaginative. She managed to pretty much ruin my self-esteem and my resentment has only grown since becoming a mother myself. I still speak to her but have never respected her and will never be close.