Just had furious row with DP, gaslighting, help.

[Bla484726828]

DP and I have been together for 6 years and have 2 DC, I also have 3 DC from previous marriage.

We Argue a lot. We’ve been to counselling with relate and told that there’s no point in further counselling...

He is bullying, small minded and angry a lot of the time. We argue mainly because of the way he speak to me or because of his moods or because he wants more sex.

Final straw tonight. Watching tv with my DD (15) and MIL who is staying. DP and I have both had a few glasses of wine. DD Brings up JK Rowling/trans debate. I start explaining it to her from The feminist perspective JK Rowling was coming from. DP gets angry and starts saying it’s not just about women and “how is it ok for a woman (Trans man) to use men’s toilets/changing rooms??“.

I start explaining and every time he butts in and shouts over me. I’m at the point where I’m angry And upset and saying ffs let me speak. He then says I’ve had too much to drink and I’m shouting at him. That I should show him the statistics to say women are more at risk of assault from men etc...

MIL is just sat there in silent agreement with him. I go upstairs and pack his stuff. I’ve had enough. He has crossed a line this time. I try to call my dad and he comes into the bedroom accusing me of calling a man, says I can’t make him leave (I own the house, not him) and that I’m The bully.

I then hear him downstairs telling MIL that I hate men and telling all sorts of lies about me. I go down and ask him not to lie and try to explain my side. He says I’m chucking him out with nothing when he’s done so much work on the house and that I owe him.

MIL then starts shouting at me saying how he has his life, his kids and his business here. I tell her I don’t want to be rude to her but that she of all people shouldn’t get involved. She jumped up shouting how dare I and stormed out the house.

MIL is normally as quiet as a mouse and her son can do no wrong in her eyes.

I’m shaking and crying DD went to bed incredibly upset too. Help me get some perspective.

I loved the part 'I went upstairs and packed HIS stuff' lol.

I don’t see why it would be harder on your own though @Bla484726828

Being completely in charge of all the decisions from the biggest all the way down to what you will watch on tv and the freedom to live how you want and have uninterrupted conversations with your children.
You still have an arsehole in the background but he let lives elsewhere and the truth is 90% of his behaviour doesn’t actually have any bearing on the day to day living although it’s annoying having to deal with an idiot until your children are adults but heyho at least it’s better than living and sharing your life and bed with the prick.

Or having every single element of your life and your parenting shared with someone who makes you completely miserable and takes pleasure in making life as difficult as possible for you and then that persons mother joins in too!

How can you possibly think option one could be scary compared to two?
It can’t be worse than how you live now, it just can’t!

@Bla484726828

He doesn’t really have any friends he could stay with and doesn’t have savings. What usually happens when someone gets kicked out? He’s going to play the homeless card I know.

He moves in with his tit of a mother.

But the true answer is not your problem!

You did the right thing.

The apple does not fall far from the tree.

This will be true for your children too. What you model to DD now is likely to be how she handles men in future. Don't let him back.

His failure to have friends with open sofas is not your problem unless you choose to make it so. He will want you to own all his problems for him. Resist. Detach.

I think you were both being a big unreasonable. His behaviour of interrupting etc was bad but I don't think shouting and swearing was necessary esp infront of his mum and your dd. It's disrespectful to his mum who I'm assuming was a guest for the evening? Also for your dd it would have been traumatic. Perhaps you both had too much to drink and loss your sense of judgment. We've only heard one side. I'm not saying you were wrong to be angry but you could have handled it alot better. For example just going to bed and ending the discussion, then a few days later having a civilised conversation with your DP and telling him this is no longer working for you and making a sensible plan for him to move out. You've got 5dc you need to consider the amount of trauma you are both causing them. You disagreed on something about JK Rowling. It shouldn't have led to something as dramatic as packing up his things. I can see why mil was angry about it. It all sounds like an episode of eastenders.

willloman

“Stop drinking.”

Is that the most helpful thing you can think of ??

This sounds like a toxic environment which you both contribute to. You are together for a short period and already 2dc along with another 3. Sounds very disruptive to your DC. I say you both contribute because you immediately went to pack his bags because you own the house. Do you do this often? How horrible for your kids to witness this op. Decide you want to leave for good but dont threaten and hold control like this.

I can see why his crap attitude to women is the final straw If he is always like this.
Yes, single parenting 5 children will be hard, but you can do it. And you’ll find a way through if it’s what you want. He sounds like an absolute arse hole.
How will you manage financially? Have a look on the Turn2Us website and also Gingerbread, single parent website.
Life is too short to be miserable.

He clearly has his issues.

But the name calling of his DM on here has been shocking. Poor woman. I can't believe you both put her in that position. And of course she is going to back her own DS in this situation.

But I don't suscribe to the MN rhetoric of Women Good Men Bad. If your answer to every argument was to huff off upstairs call your Dad and pack his bags because it's "your" house, then that's not great either. I would have liked to have heard your DP's side of the story before I formed a judgement.

Sounds like you are best apart, really.

I’ve had enough. He has crossed a line this time. I try to call my dad and he comes into the bedroom accusing me of calling a man
I've heard that before in a similar situation.....and he's actually just behaved in exactly the manner that abuisve men behave - which is the ingredient in your view of the trans debate - bully men trying to assert dominance and control over someone else says I can’t make him leave (I own the house, not him)

So......you were left with no option but to call for support and it had to be someone he wouldn't dare kick off with.

He can go live with his mum.

How has today been?

Understandably your opening post is a bit chaotic & just reading it, it seems like a bit if a storm in a tea cup

BUT ITS NOT

The relationship isn't working, for you or your kids.

He hasn't tried to get help, he's clearly a bully & just thinks shouting you down is the answer.

ITS NOT

He can go & live with Mummy.

Who is clearly just as bad.

You will cope with 5 kids, because it's easier than coping with 5 kids & 1 dick head!

CMS on Monday!!

Do NOT take him back!!

Hug your 15yo & keep reassuring her it's HIM, not her, that's the problem & if she doesn't know, tell her about when you discussed him leaving before.

She's old enough & it's far worse feeling like you're to blame when you're not.

I’m in awe of you OP. You are a wonderful role model to your kids.

Do you have any family support?

Wtf is wrong with these mils?! Mine was the same, could never see any fault in her controlling, abusive, lazy son. Or her controlling, abusive, lazy husband which I guess is where he learned it from.

Fil once told me that I deserved it when I told them my ex had accrued tens of thousands of pounds of debt on cam girls. And left me locked out of my house and drove past me and went home when my ex wouldn't let me in.

No advice, just came here to comment on shit in laws.

Glad you kicked him out. Start working out how to keep him out and look at your financials. It sounds like it might be a worry, but also like your house will be happier without him.

Good for you for sticking up for yourself

It's quite simple: he is the way he is in no small part due to his MIL. Children don't just become abusive one day; they are raised in an environment conducive to abuse.

Expecting sense from his MIL is unrealistic.

*your MIL, not his.

Ohhh dear OP. Sounds like if it was not the JK topic it would have been something else. If the councillor thinks that we’ll you should end things.

How old is your youngest child?

Glad you booted this horrid man and his mother out 🌺

I don't understand how it is gas lighting?

But glad he has left. Leave the key in the door so he can't get back in.

@PrincessBuggerPants

I don't understand how it is gas lighting?

He gets angry and shouts over OP and when she tries to explain her POV he tells her she’s had too much to drink and is shouting at him. Definitely gaslighting.

He has a mum. Let him go to her. It's not actually your problem to shoulder, where he goes, but of course you'll take it anyway (not a criticism, an observation). Kick him out whether he has somewhere to go or not. Let him deal with that burden.

He sounds horrid, and it sounds like his MIL is much happier when he's with you because then he's not with her, bullying her and shouting at her. That's why she's normally so quiet, she knows what he's like and she doesn't like it.

Her shit parenting, as you say. Not yours. Don't be a shit parent to your kids and delay getting rid of him. Your dd needs to SEE that he's not right.

He can go live with his mum

That's probably why she kicked off. She saw her future and got the horrors, so scarpered.