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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just had furious row with DP, gaslighting, help.

73 replies

Bla484726828 · 31/10/2020 00:37

DP and I have been together for 6 years and have 2 DC, I also have 3 DC from previous marriage.

We Argue a lot. We’ve been to counselling with relate and told that there’s no point in further counselling...

He is bullying, small minded and angry a lot of the time. We argue mainly because of the way he speak to me or because of his moods or because he wants more sex.

Final straw tonight. Watching tv with my DD (15) and MIL who is staying. DP and I have both had a few glasses of wine. DD Brings up JK Rowling/trans debate. I start explaining it to her from The feminist perspective JK Rowling was coming from. DP gets angry and starts saying it’s not just about women and “how is it ok for a woman (Trans man) to use men’s toilets/changing rooms??“.

I start explaining and every time he butts in and shouts over me. I’m at the point where I’m angry And upset and saying ffs let me speak. He then says I’ve had too much to drink and I’m shouting at him. That I should show him the statistics to say women are more at risk of assault from men etc...

MIL is just sat there in silent agreement with him. I go upstairs and pack his stuff. I’ve had enough. He has crossed a line this time. I try to call my dad and he comes into the bedroom accusing me of calling a man, says I can’t make him leave (I own the house, not him) and that I’m The bully.

I then hear him downstairs telling MIL that I hate men and telling all sorts of lies about me. I go down and ask him not to lie and try to explain my side. He says I’m chucking him out with nothing when he’s done so much work on the house and that I owe him.

MIL then starts shouting at me saying how he has his life, his kids and his business here. I tell her I don’t want to be rude to her but that she of all people shouldn’t get involved. She jumped up shouting how dare I and stormed out the house.

MIL is normally as quiet as a mouse and her son can do no wrong in her eyes.

I’m shaking and crying DD went to bed incredibly upset too. Help me get some perspective.

OP posts:
ThirdThoughts · 31/10/2020 07:44

You get to model for your daughter that you are worthy of being treated better than this, and so is she. It's ok to end relationships which aren't working.

ThirdThoughts · 31/10/2020 07:47

I'm sure being a single parent to 5 children is difficult, but so is walking on eggshells and having arguments with a live in gaslighting bully. You can do this.

Omeara · 31/10/2020 07:47

Part of the reason he treats you badly is probably because he believes your fear of coping alone with the kids will mean you’ll never leave him. Show him he’s wrong.

This is not a good relationship and not one you need your kids to think is normal.

Lordamighty · 31/10/2020 07:49

It clearly isn’t about women’s rights though if you had thought about ending it previously.
He sounds awful & you would both probably be better off apart. Alcohol probably didn’t help the situation either.

Original poster
Bla484726828 · 31/10/2020 07:51

MIL knows full well what he’s like yet chooses to believe him and take his side. It’s weird.
The biggest shame is that any chance of him working on himself through therapy etc (Caused by her shit parenting) is dashed because he has the foolish woman colluding with his behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bla484726828 · 31/10/2020 07:53

He doesn’t really have any friends he could stay with and doesn’t have savings. What usually happens when someone gets kicked out? He’s going to play the homeless card I know.

OP posts:
nomdeplume2019 · 31/10/2020 07:54

I is good to hear you are putting a stop to the constant bs.
We are all entitled to an opinion and he disrespects you even counselling is not worth it.. never knew such a thing would be said.
Find support and the mothers always back there son's. Well done for coping!
If anyone shows up or gives you grief call in some family or friend who will be around!
You tried and you have a right to be happy.

Branleuse · 31/10/2020 07:55

You might be nervous but I dont think it will be as bad as you think. Its your house. You dont have to live being treated like that. X

justthecat · 31/10/2020 07:56

He can stay with his mother, it’s not your problem 💐

rainbowstardrops · 31/10/2020 07:57

Good riddance to the pair of them! Let mummy look after her little boy - you'll be way better off and so will your children.

Ratbagcatbag · 31/10/2020 07:59

Not your problem.

Please don't back down. He's horrid. I know you're scared of making such a huge decision, but your life will be so much better for it.

TwilightSkies · 31/10/2020 08:00

Do you really think it will be harder without him there? Sounds like the atmosphere would be a lot nicer!
You’ve done the right thing. I know it’s easy to doubt yourself, especially when someone has been gaslighting you. Your sense of reality can be a bit skewed.
Write everything down, all the shit he has done. Every time you’re having a wobble, read it again.

He’s had multiple chances to change his attitude. He has chosen not to. Now he needs to deal with the consequences.

Original poster
Bla484726828 · 31/10/2020 08:02

Really overwhelmed by the support, thank you so much everyone

OP posts:
NigellaAwesome · 31/10/2020 08:03

I think you need legal advice on Monday.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 31/10/2020 08:06

He can go live with mummy. If you let him back in what does that show your dd?

Isadora2007 · 31/10/2020 08:07

I’m struggling to see how he is gaslighting you? Yes he is a prick I guess- but he’s not gaslighting.
You sound like your relationship is done. Your house, he leaves. It is actually so much easier than for many people. He needs to pay something of his wages (20% probably for two children) is that enough for you to keep the house going? You managed with 3 children as a single parent- 5 won’t be much different tbh as some are older now.
Get some counselling on your own to address any issues arising from this and your previous relationship as I’m sure it’s not entirely one sided as life never is. For example you had other options than to shout and storm off and call your dad (what did you expect your dad to do?) and you’ve been told that counselling isn’t working yet you’ve stayed on in a dead relationship... these are areas I would be wanting to Explore on an individual basis and I think they are impacting your ability to form and keep a relationship going.
But all in all your new life sounds a damn sight better than your old one with him- onwards and upwards. Flowers

howimetyourmother · 31/10/2020 08:14

Your definitely doing the right thing. This was the last straw. Is the house owned by you both?

TwilightSkies · 31/10/2020 08:14

For example you had other options than to shout and storm off and call your dad (what did you expect your dad to do?)

Yeah you’re right, she should have sat there and been shouted at by him. Far better option.

And she was ringing her dad for SUPPORT! Ffs.

vanillandhoney · 31/10/2020 08:15

It's your house not his - where he goes is not your problem Thanks

He can go back and live with his mummy.

incognitomum · 31/10/2020 09:37

Thinking of you today.

Just remember you now have 5 dcs instead of 6 Smile

S00LA · 31/10/2020 10:52

@Bla484726828

He doesn’t really have any friends he could stay with and doesn’t have savings. What usually happens when someone gets kicked out? He’s going to play the homeless card I know.
Not your problem. You have quite enough to worry about with your five kids.

FWIW, I work with Street homeless people and we never see people in good mental and physical health who have jobs and good relationships with their family.

I promise you he will not be sleeping on the streets.

Bettereveryday1 · 31/10/2020 10:58

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BluebellsareBlue · 31/10/2020 11:14

@Bettereveryday1 that's your input? Oh do fuck off dear!

OP I'm in a similar situation as you, it's been over for months (if not years), I worry what mood he's going to be in and he can't talk, he can only shout. Sadly the house is in joint names and although he contributes the bare minimum he wants 10k from me to leave. I don't have this, what I do have, and what you need to get is an appointment with a solicitor, mine is a week on Thursday. Don't fall for the sob stories, I know it's hard as i falter at every step, if his mum has a house then he is not homeless.
At 45 I need to think of my and my DS (not his, we too have been together 6 years),

Glenthebattleostrich · 31/10/2020 11:24

@Bettereveryday1 try living up to your user name. I've reported your post, take your woman hating rubbish somewhere else.

OP, yes being a single parent to 5 children will be tough but better than the awful relationship you are in.

willloman · 31/10/2020 11:29

Stop drinking.

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