Appearances

[SeasideArms]

Just had massive row with DH and could do with some perspective!

It was all about how I dress/look.....

He says I don't make an effort, look mumsy, like I don't care. I think I do care, try to look smartish, but my usual outfits skinny jeans, stripes top, ankle boots, nice jacket. I know it doesn't set the world on fire, and I'm a size 18 so do need to lose weight.

He says he's being honest, wants me to look better for the sake of our relationship. I can see his point, but I think we have different ideas of what looks nice and I don't see why I should dress to please him.

It went on and on, but that's the general idea. It's also not the first time. I don't know what to think, I feel like my self esteem is on the floor.

Any advice?

@candycane222 Thank you, you've pretty much summed up how I feel, but doubting myself as

@candycane222 oops - pressed too soon!
He makes me feel I'm in the wrong, when I don't really think I am, but I end up questioning myself.
I've read on here before to imagine it's a daughter being treated this way. Well, if I knew my DD was being spoken to like this I'd be gutted.

I do think there's an element of control there, keeping me in my place maybe. I think I've always tried to make him feel good about himself, sadly he sometimes does the opposite to me.

My Dh would never say anything like this as he knows it would be hurtful and that there is more to a relationship than dressing to please him. In fact I don’t even think it would occur to him as something to note in the totality of our relationship.

I'd place a bet that if you lost weight, went to the gym most evenings and started dressing differently, he'd actually become jealous and insecure and wouldn't like it anyway. OP, if I were you, I think I'd do it for revenge 🤣 I'd go out with girlfriends in the evening and not mention where I'm going... "oh, you wouldn't like it, it's full of toned gym-goers like me".
Turn his controlling world upside down.

Ah seaside, Im sorry he's treating you like this. Im certainly no relationship expert but there seems to be a fundamental issue with how he understands what a marriage is. How you tackle that, depends on a lot that we can't tell from the outside. I do wish you luck in finding a way forward. Hopefully there will be other posters who have dealt with this kind of problem themselves, snd found a way through

Thanks @candycane222 - I'm not sure how to proceed really, but I'll figure it out!

@DianaT1969 you might be right there!

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, really helpful.

[quote SeasideArms]@Mermaidwaves I hope you're happier now think this is my concern, whatever I do there will always be something else.
But he makes himself out to be the reasonable one and I'm the one who can't take any criticism. It messes with my head. Hence my post really, I'm so confused 😐 [/quote]
Well don't be.

He is in no position to talk by the sound of it.

Lose weight if you want to (about 15 stone should do it) and dress in a way you're happy with.

Okay, @SeasideArms and anyone anyone else to whom this is relevant - But he makes himself out to be the reasonable one and I'm the one who can't take any criticism

Why is your boyfriend /DH doling out so much criticism of you that this is applicable?

I've always hated that - you can't take criticism - well, did I ask for a critic? See also - 'it was just a joke, you can't take a joke.' Why make me the butt of your jokes? People who care about you don't do this, don't joke about you (to such an extent that it becomes an issue) / don't constantly criticise you and become offended by your reluctance to adapt yourself according to their criticism (opinion).

'I think you shouldn't wear/do/eat that'. Cool. I think Pitbull shouldn''t keep releasing songs. So what? No one cares. He's not actually going to stop based on my humble opinion.

It’s definitely a weight issue for him. Take it on board and take his insensitivity and clumsiness as a boost. He might have done you a favour Your self esteem will be through the roof if you lose a couple of stone ( I need to lose weight myself and using the new lockdown to kickstart it) xx

What a dick. I think you need to change your husband not your clothes from the sounds of it. My husband doesn't care what I wear or what my weight is because that's love.

Looking at this from a different perspective, he may be trying to tell you that he wants to continue to find you attractive, to continue to fancy you but is struggling. If so, surely that's a good thing. I accept he should love you whatever but I tell my dh when he's gaining weight as it just doesn't do it for me.

Tell your overweight scruff to sort himself out first.

It is a tough one.

In an ideal world, the answer should be that your partner should love you, no matter how you look.

But the reality is that it is easy to lose your attraction for someone who we no longer find physically appealing and it is something that is hard to control.

If you swap this around, would you be attracted to a partner who was now overweight and no longer made no effort in his appearance?

I think your partner could have worded this better but it sounds like he is losing his physical attraction to you.

I would try to lose weight. Do it for yourself, to be healthier and fitter.

Try to have a calm discussion with your partner but don't ignore this unless you want the relationship to crumble.

Her DH is overweight and doesn't make an effort.....

Have you gained weight since you met or have you always been this weight?

How overweight is he? How much has he gained since you met?

Have you started dressing differently to how you used to, or have you always been the same?

I think there is a warning here, he’s telling you he doesn’t like your appearance, And that’s really major. You need to decide how you feel about that. You can only loose weight for yourself, not him, otherwise it won’t work, and if you’re happy as you are you shouldn’t attempt to loose weight, but you will also need to accept it has an impact on your marriage. The same for how you dress, but that’s easier to solve.

People will scream it’s shallow, he should love you whatever, but not liking your appearance doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and plenty of women don’t like it when their husbands gain weight. It’s a hard message to deliver.

I think you need to take some time to think about this. Arguing isn’t the answer. But you need to be able to talk to each other calmly. Understand exactly what he’s trying to tell you. And then decide how you feel about that and what if anything you wish to do about it.

@JustFrustrated

Her DH is overweight and doesn't make an effort.....

Yes, but she’s not said she’s no longer attracted to him,because of it, nor has she said if he’s always been like this. It doesn’t matter though as her reaction and his reaction appears to differ.

It’s definitely a weight issue for him. Take it on board and take his insensitivity and clumsiness as a boost. He might have done you a favour Your self esteem will be through the roof if you lose a couple of stone ( I need to lose weight myself and using the new lockdown to kickstart it) xx

say what?

OP tell him to go fuck himself. He's no right trying to make you feel bad.

Have you put on lots of weight since you met?

Outfit sounds reasonable...

OP tell him to go fuck himself. He's no right trying to make you feel bad

Neither extreme are the right answer. Neither loosing weight to make him happy or telling him to go fuck himself.

Talking calmly and understanding the issue properly. Deciding how she feels about it, snd then if she wishes to take any action or not, and outlining why not, is the way forward.

If your partner tells you they no longer feel you look attractive, then it’s a really big deal. And it needs to be addressed, either by bringing yourself back to what he feels is attractive or telling him this is it, snd he either accepts it or leaves.

@SeasideArms

I told him I dress for me, not him, he said I should wear what he finds attractive

Yet he couldn't say what he finds attractive?

So ignore him.

Overweight scruffbag ‘D’H..

People in glass-houses..

What a ridiculous man. You are not there to be a mannequin to meet his wishes.

Reminds me of those 1950s articles where women were told to prepare for their OH's return from work by dressing up and "putting a ribbon in their hair."!

Naah - this is the 21st century. Tell him to go forth and multiply.

How inarticulate is he? I would assume he wanted me to wear skirts/dresses more often and have my hair down all the time, but who knows what he wants if he doesn’t have the ability to say these things. As PP have said it’s probably weight too.

I would accept it but also see it as a fair chance to make a few demands of him.

You sound like one of those couples you sometimes see out for dinner, woman in nice jeans, top, pretty hair and make up, venue appropriate, with a man in a crap t shirt and old trainers.

Unless you’re somewhere not affected by covid, when are these frequent opportunities for dressing up at all?