Break up

[Mummyofone14]

Hi all, wanted to hear your stories in case anyone has been in my shoes. I've been dating a great guy for 3 months, he is separated from his wife whom he shares 2 children with. He is currently living with his brother. When we met it was perfect, I've been single couple of years and we hit it off straight away, he called and face timed all the time, at work, at home, out with his friends, we met up as many times as we could and after a month he told me he loved me and wanted to take things further.. we became official and everything was great. Then one day he went to see his kids and I asked if the ex wife would be there, he said yes but that there were no feelings involved he just wanted to give his kids a normal happy life. I let it go. Then he admitted that sometimes he stays overnight there too, I told him I wasn't ok with this and we agreed to have a proper talk the next day, then I followed him on instagram and he deleted his account, we argued and he explained that he didnt want to hurt his ex, he didnt want to change his lifestyle with regards to spending the weekend with his kids and ex and that I was his first relationship after his marriage and he doesnt know how to be or what to do, he said he felt like he couldn't give me all of himself right now and that hes confused. He called it off so I deleted his number which then made him think I had blocked him as he could no longer see my profile picture and the next day he sent me a full stop just to see if I had blocked him. I ignored it and that night knowing he wouldnt be at his brothers I took all the xmas presents I had bought him and left them there, I took back some gifts that I could but a lot of stuff was personalised, it's been a week since the break up and hes not text to say thank you but at the same time hes not back on dating apps or instagram.. I want to move on but cant shake the feeling that he might realise he lost a good thing and change his mind and see that if he keeps putting his ex first he will never have a future with anyone. Anyone have any advice or been in a similar situation?

Learn from this....dont ever date a separated man again. This is exactly what happens. He is not ready for a relationship in any way shape or form. Leave him alone. He may go back to his wife, he may not. Only date a man one year past his divorce. His mind is all over the place. Go no contact, do not think twice again about him. He is going through turmoil inside. You will be the rebound fling if you stayed. Its not his fault as his emotions are every where and its not your fault as you fell for him. Get out, stay out and again don't ever date a separated man again. They screw with your mental well being!!!

He doesn't sound serious. Also seems like he's not convinced it's over with his ex. I'd stay away. Stay far away. He'll love the attention from you but he's messing you about. Call it quits and move on.

Thanks little bird. I know what your saying is right, we just had something so special, the ex wife even knew about me and he explained that they hadn't been happy for a long time before they broke up.. which was the same as my marriage so I understood. It's been a year since they separated so I thought it would be ok but clearly not. Think I'm just confused because why check to see if I blocked him if he didnt care about ever messaging again, why ask to meet me and talk if he knew he wanted it to be over, think I'm just hanging on to anything to not accept it's actually over. Stupid i know. I havent contacted him and never will, was just hoping he might have needed a week or so to really think about everything hes giving up.

Its horrible isn't it? If you allow him to talk to you you will be on the eternal merry go round of making you think he wants you then goes cold. Separated men have no idea what they want, he will blow hot and cold if you allow him back. Please take it from me, you do not want to go through this now or ever. Of course it felt special, it was a first relationship for both of you after your marriages. His priorities are his children and the mother of his children. They are married still so he is not available to anyone right now. He is doing the right thing and trying to keep a routine going with his weekends. He admits he stays and from the outside I would assume they still look like a married couple at those weekends. Don't get caught up with the blocking, un blocking, why he sent this or that. Its not important anymore. What is important is for you to step away and let him, his wife and children navigate a very painful process of separation and divorce. Leave him to it. There are less complicated men out there for you to date. Sorry OP, I have been where you are....I know how frustrating it is.

Yes I know, I keep telling myself to just accept the fact I was a rebound and the minute it got serious he ran a mile, that he only text to see if I blocked him to see if he still had an open door for the future and he hasnt said thank you for the gifts because he thought i was closing the door and making him feel bad, but my heart just cant let go. I just keep thinking that hes going to see everything he lost and realise its time to move forward from his ex and start a future with someone else.. I'm in complete denial and cant think of anything else, keep checking her facebook and Instagram to see if theyve got back together but her status still says single. I know each day I'll get more and more acceptance and move on but I cant eat, can't sleep and have no energy to do anything. It's just so hard letting go of the future we planned together, the day before he called it he told me he loved me and was booking a holiday for us in February and was booking xmas day off work to spend it with us. How can everything change in one day. I know your advice is what I would be giving to a friend, I just really felt his feelings were genuine, and still do.

He's not ready for dating. It doesn't mean he didn't like you or he wants his wife back but he's not ready for a new relationship. Let him go.

I really feel for you. Get your girlfriends round if you can and just grieve what you thought might have been. He's just not ready and may not be for sometime. Its just pants at the moment.

I stay overnight at my ex's. It's no issue, saves the cost of a hotel and is far less risk than trusting minimum wage cleaners to ensure it's sanitised. My dp knows and is fine with it. He goes to his ex's occasionally, I've met her, she's nice. When you have kids, even adult ones, your lives are entwined, jealously will eat you up. I can't tell you if he is ready yet but I can tell you it's possible to be friends with your ex and everyone to get along, I even will invite ex's if we actually marry (that assumes I bother sorting my paperwork, divorce is a detail I haven't bothered addressing as of yet)

Hi movingonup20 I totally get that, I told him I would love nothing more than for us all to get along one day. And I may have understood if she was allowed to know about me, but I wasnt allowed to follow him on instagram in case she saw and he wouldnt call or face time if she was there only text, I think co parenting can be great if everyone knows the truth but it made me feel like I was his dirty secret. I said it was fine to go there and be with her but soending 2 nights when the kids are in bed at 8 is strange to me.

I think you were expecting a huge amount from a man who isn’t that long separated. I’m not sure I agree with what a year as it depends on the circumstances of the separation, but go in with your eyes open. I would imagine he was desperate to get back a ‘relationship’ feeling and therefore love bombed you when it was suitable fir him but only on his terms. Live and learn!

You asked if his ex wife would be there when he visited his kids? Then you “let it go”...🙄 of course he’s going to have a relationship with her as she’s the mother of his children.

HOWEVER- he clearly is still too enmeshed in his old family life to offer you a relationship at the moment. It’s not fair on you to sit and wait while he plays happy families every weekend with his Ex. He needs to be in a place where he has normal visits on his own with the kids. Special Occasions are one thing ie- Christmas morning etc but not every weekend. He said he doesn’t want to hurt his ex but he seems to have no problem hurting you. He’s probably a nice guy but it doesn’t sound like he’s ready for a relationship at all 💐

@NotaCoolMum I didnt mean let it go, I get that they would still have a relationship I just meant he said he never has them on his own or takes them out he only sees them when he is with her and the kids, so I agreed to accept that whenever he would go and see the kids she would be there I just dont think staying overnight is appropriate when you have a girlfriend. It's not like he lives miles away and it's just easy.. just saying it out loud shows me hes not ready to let go. I did explain that if she moves on and gets a bf he wont be allowed to stay so why not make that journey now but he just wasnt ready obviously.

What’s his reason for staying over OP?

Perhaps the wife still has feelings for him so he keeps it quiet so as not hurt her feelings?

Like others have said, it’s far too soon...he may come back, he may not but you both need to live your life’s. He obviously has stuff to sort through etc

I appreciate everyone's advice and my mind is telling me to just accept it's over, but my heart is hanging on to every little detail, hes not blocked me, hes not on dating apps, he messaged to see if I blocked him, he was confused when we ended it, hes not said thank you for the gifts, is that because he feels I've shut the door on him and hes hurting. Its still,I know it is just wish I could get closure but no matter what I cant. Guess it's just going to take time to get over him.

It’s really hard I know. He needs to have them on his own independent of her. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP- I know how heartbreaking it is x

@NotaCoolMum thank you,just wish I could accept it's over instead of thinking its him everytime my phone goes or flowers everytime I get post, I'm completely deluded and want to get acceptance so I can heal and move on. I've tried everything but cannot accept hes not coming back. Its torture.

I know- I’ve been in a similar situation to you. It’s really hard when you feel it’s the right person and the absolute worst timing. The best advice I can give is to not contact him. Let him be and he might realise that he’s let a really good thing go- it may give him time to realise that he wants to move forward with you and the only way is by changing the dynamic with his ex. Give it time. Make sure you look after yourself and be kind to yourself x

@NotaCoolMum I defo wont contact him, I deleted his number and all messages as I knew I would read over all messages, I got rid of everything that reminded me of him but still struggling. I know it takes time i just wanted to hear stories of whether anyone had been in my situation and the guy actually came back.. but clearly not lol. Thank you for your help. X

Not always- But Yes they can and sometimes do come back- obviously I don’t know your guy but I wouldn’t be surprised if you hear from him x it will then be up to you how you feel by then (I’m not trying to give you false hope but it definitely does happen) 💐

It sounds like you got way too involved for someone you've only dated for 3 months.

Look up love bombing.

I agree with the advice of staying away from separated men regardless of what they say about their marriage. They aren't ready to be long term with anyone. That doesn't stop them from saying and doing all the right things so they can have sex and emotional comfort.

Also, never buy a man you've only known a short time, load of gifts. It's way over the top inappropriate. A card, a nice coffee mug, chocolates are plenty, more than plenty for someone you hardly know.

It sounds like he's gone back to his wife to give his marriage another go. I don't think you should have sent the presents but it's done now. Sometimes the guy does come back but it rarely lasts before they either go back again to their wife or move on.

He told me he was separated for over a year so didn't think I was getting involved as a rebound, he dated before me. As for xmas, he said he was spending it alone or working so I told him he could spend it with us, that's why I got him so much because I knew it was his first xmas without his kids and wanted to show him a great xmas. I think he lied about how long he had actually been separated. The presents werent expensive just little bits and Bob's I knew he liked. I know 3 months is not a long time but he really pushed it, he was so intent on moving forward and discussed living together, holidays, meeting my son, me meeting his kids, holidays.. he even got upset sometimes that he felt I was not as into him and he was to me, he travelled down to see me just to see me in my lunch hour, called every chance he could, and spent every moment he wasnt at work or with his kids with me. I prob wouldnt believe someone if they told me they had such a connection with someone after 3 months but now I've lived it myself I get it, I'm taking this harder than I did ending my 8 year relationship, 2 year relationship and 6 month relationship, I just cant accept that his feelings were all fake, he called the minute he woke up and stayed on the phone till he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer. I guess he was just using me.. just hard to accept.

You were going to bring him to your home for Christ's after 5 months together??
For future reference when a man is pushing to meet your kids and be part of your family that's a red flag!!

How long in did he meet your kids??

I never let him meet my son, he pushed for it because he works shifts so was sometimes difficult to see each other but I stood my ground that 3 months was too soon.. but because this felt like no other relationship and things moved so fast I agreed he could meet my son closer to xmas before we spent xmas day together. Good job I never let him meet my son now I know I'm just his rebound.