Break up

[Mummyofone14]

Hi all, wanted to hear your stories in case anyone has been in my shoes. I've been dating a great guy for 3 months, he is separated from his wife whom he shares 2 children with. He is currently living with his brother. When we met it was perfect, I've been single couple of years and we hit it off straight away, he called and face timed all the time, at work, at home, out with his friends, we met up as many times as we could and after a month he told me he loved me and wanted to take things further.. we became official and everything was great. Then one day he went to see his kids and I asked if the ex wife would be there, he said yes but that there were no feelings involved he just wanted to give his kids a normal happy life. I let it go. Then he admitted that sometimes he stays overnight there too, I told him I wasn't ok with this and we agreed to have a proper talk the next day, then I followed him on instagram and he deleted his account, we argued and he explained that he didnt want to hurt his ex, he didnt want to change his lifestyle with regards to spending the weekend with his kids and ex and that I was his first relationship after his marriage and he doesnt know how to be or what to do, he said he felt like he couldn't give me all of himself right now and that hes confused. He called it off so I deleted his number which then made him think I had blocked him as he could no longer see my profile picture and the next day he sent me a full stop just to see if I had blocked him. I ignored it and that night knowing he wouldnt be at his brothers I took all the xmas presents I had bought him and left them there, I took back some gifts that I could but a lot of stuff was personalised, it's been a week since the break up and hes not text to say thank you but at the same time hes not back on dating apps or instagram.. I want to move on but cant shake the feeling that he might realise he lost a good thing and change his mind and see that if he keeps putting his ex first he will never have a future with anyone. Anyone have any advice or been in a similar situation?

You are going to be ok OP. You have to step back and realise his feelings were real for him at the time. He just couldn't sustain it. He has woken up to realising he really is confused and doesn't really know what he is doing. He didn't purposely use you as his intentions at the time were being swept up with the love bombing he was doing to you and it felt good for him at the time. Reality stepped in and it woke him up to what was happening for him and you. He realised this wasn't right for him now. Well done for standing firm with him meeting your son. Your gut feeling was correct. Just be careful with him contacting you again. He is not in a good place to even be a "friend" for the time being (mine tried that). You have learnt that fast paced relationships burn out very quickly. Take that lesson and move forward.

@litterbird yes I agree, just hard to accept but I know you're right. I dont think he will be in contact again so suppose that will help me long term. Guess I've just gotta deal with the hurt and hope it gets easier, I know everyone thinks it's silly after just 3 months, I probably would too. I just cant imagine feeling that way about someone and it just going away. Lesson learned I guess. Dont think I'll trust anyone ever again lol, thanks for your help, you've been really kind. X

I know 3 months is not a long time but he really pushed it

Lesson for the future - this should have served as a huge warning sign.

If you genuinely were a good match and capable of forming a healthy relationship together there would have been no reason to rush or for him to pressure you and erode your boundaries.

Rushing things and pushing you to do things on his timetable, "sweeping you off your feet" , denies you the chance to step back and see the situation clearly.

I also think it sounds like love bombing and that is why you're feeling more pain than you've experienced previously at breaking it off.

I hope you are able to keep him out of your life so he can't mess you around and hurt you even more.

Also, you have to ask yourself here, why would you want someone who's treated you so shabbily to come back?

That would not be a good thing.

I guess I just had such high Hope's for our future, he is everything I look for in a guy and our relationship was perfect up until the last 2 days, I see now it was all fake his side, but it wasnt for me, it was real. I've been single a long time and have dated a lot, but got rid of so many because I saw red flags, there was none with him. When I said no to meeting my son he agreed and never pushed no more, we just wanted to see each other as much as we could but it wasnt easy being parents and working weekends. I guess we both wanted to just be in a relationship, but his was to get over his ex, mine was because I want to settle down. He wasnt horrible or mean he just said he cant give me 100% of himself when his situation is so difficult, just thought maybe he might of thought about it and realised he cant continue like this forever, he also said that all his friends and family had told him he was wrong and does too much for his ex and that if he couldn't let go, he needed to let go of me so he wouldnt hurt me in the future. I thought maybe he just needed time to think. I know ik better off, just doesn't feel like it right now. I really love him, and we were amazing together. Guess I'm just upset I was rejected and used but I'm not angry at him.. that's prob why I still want to be with him.

OP I could of written all you are saying myself I am 6 months after break up and it still hurts, I question everyday how he could say all he did like I was his dream I have never experienced a relationship like we had and then went back to his ex wife it is so hard and so awful

@Fool12 I'm so sorry, 6 months is such a long time to still be in pain. I think a lot of people must have been through it after the things I've read, been looking into it and seems we are not the only ones to have been used to repress their feelings for their exs. I keep checking her facebook just waiting to see her relationship status says in a relationship and not single, hoping seeing it will give me the closure I need. Your case sounds so heartbreaking, to know he actually went back.. I think its comfort. They know everything there is to know and especially when kids are involved they feel they dont want to give up on their family. I'm so sorry you had to go through it. It's so horrible. I just keep thinking one day I'll meet someone and be grateful he did what he did, and I hope you do too. You deserve better, everyone does. Just wish it was a simple process but it's not, it's just a case of time and faking it till you make it. But a lot easier said than done. At least we know signs for the future xx

@Mummyofone14 they didn’t have children but I feel he had unfinished business to deal with before our relationship could of had any mileage but in some ways having an acceptance doesn’t make it any easier I felt I gave him my all and had the rug pulled well and truly from under my feet believing all he said about his ex in such a negative and made me feel like I was his dream he had been looking for like he would say.
We need to told onto it wasn’t meant to be it has taught and shown me so much please hold onto everything happens for a reason that is what I am doing through the pain xx

@fool12 its the not knowing isnt it, was he lying the whole time, did he mean what he said but just changed how he felt, was they together the while time, did he lie about how long theyve been separated, will they last?, will he try and come back one day. I wish I could know how he feels and whether or not he will go back to her or just do to loads of other girls what he done to me, only time will tell. Wishing you all the best, I hope you meet someone and he comes begging one day and you tell him where to go lol x

@Mummyofone14 yes I have just the same questions going around my head, how can he say one thing and make out it is totally over with me putting all my trust in him with his word and then he has done a complete turn. At least we aren’t the only ones in this situation only time will tell but I would really like the ex wife to know the truth which she doesn’t, he wanted to keep in contact but I said I couldn’t do this and he has respect my wish xx

@Fool12 his ex wife knowing will only cause her the pain we are going through.. but a million times worse. We just have to accept what's happened. The ex wife actually knew about me but I'm thinking now he told her it was just a one off and not a long term thing. It doesn't look like hes gone back to her, just not ready to move on seriously with anyone else. We will see xx

@Mummyofone14 Just always remember what is meant to be will be and what is meant for you won’t go by you I have to keep reminding myself about this.
he came to be very unexpectedly in some ways I feel sorry for the ex she also knew about me and in some ways we might have had the lucky escape as people say I have, we will just have to wait and see I hope I am strong enough to tell him to trot on if he ever does come back in some ways xx

@Fool12 I'm weak as hell, would give anything for him to come back and holding on to every last bit of hope there is, it's only been a week so hoping he will still change his mind but hate myself for feeling this way. It literally takes over your life doesnt it. Wish we could just fast forward, it's so hard being a mum and working when all you want to do is curl up and cry x

I am with you, I felt just like this and felt guilty for being sad at times when I was with my little person, I can tell you it does get easier but I still can’t get my head around it all, everyone says it won’t work with them but that feels less and less likely as time goes on I have always had a strong feeling he will come back one day and I can’t seem to get him off my mind it’s so hard and i miss him so much. Sending you big hugs xx

@Fool12 I'm so sorry you are still struggling, I'm with your friends, I dont think it will work out between them, but they need to see that for themselves, it's better than him being with you and always wondering what if he had given his marriage another go.. I think they broke up and once saw each other with other partners all the feelings came back, they are prob trying their hardest to make it work but soon enough all the problems that broke them up in the first place will come back. Sending big hugs back, I really hope you meet someone that makes you never think of your ex again xx

Hi OP. What did he say to his ex when he told her about you? And, what did she say to him? X

@bebarkered hi. So one of his brothers still gets on really well with her, I met one of his other brothers a couple of times and he told the brother that knew her. Word got back and apparently she asked him how I was . Clearly just to let him know she knew about me. She also asked to see a picture of me but he just laughed it off and said it was never spoken about again, but now I'm wondering whether he told her it was just a one time thing as he didnt want her to see me follow him on instagram. I'll never know the truth to be honest so can only go on what I was told

Sorry for no response. HOW are you bearing up? X

@bebarkered hey, I'm ok, still in denial that he will come back soon. Holding on to the fact his exs facebook still says single, he messaged to see if I had blocked him and hes not on dating apps. Hoping he just needed a little while to think and realise that he has to move forward with his life and miss everything we had. Being in denial is the worst as its stopping me from moving on but I cant help myself.

How are you doing op?