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Original poster

3 day old baby and partners affair

42 replies

Porkchop1980 · 30/10/2020 02:44

Can anyone please offer any advice. My sister had a baby on Saturday. The day after she came home from the hospital she read her fiancée phone and saw messages from another women. She did this as he was away drinking the night she came home from hospital and didn’t come home until the very early hours (leaving her alone with a new baby and recovering from a c-section)
She confronted him once seeing the messages and he told her he isn’t sure he loves her anymore and he isn’t having an affair with the ow she’s a friend and they have kissed (wtf!). She then left the family home and is staying with my parents. As you can imagine her head is all over the place!! How can I help her?? She has spoken to partner once who says he is confused and doesn’t know what he wants?!!!!! Has anyone been in a similar situation and do you have any advice to offer. My heart is breaking for her, her new baby and her toddler daughter.

OP posts:
yawnsvillex · 30/10/2020 03:01

My only advice is totally leave the fucker.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 30/10/2020 05:50

I am so sorry for your sister. I too think she's got to get shot of this 'absolute Prince'. He clearly has no concern or consideration for anyone but himself. My first ever LTB. She's got support hasn't she?

Original poster
Porkchop1980 · 30/10/2020 05:55

I totally agree! She needs rid ASAP. How do I support her in coming to that decision?
Her thoughts are all over the place as you can imagine. She has support from family and is staying with our parents who are being amazing!

OP posts:
lepardprint · 30/10/2020 06:04

Your poor sister 😥
Her hormones will be running wild at the moment and On top of that, a bombshell from her disgrace of a husband! You sound like a lovely sister, just by being there will help her through this horrible time xx

Wellshellsbells · 30/10/2020 06:28

She should move back and tell him to move out!

jessstan1 · 30/10/2020 06:40

@myrtlehuckingfuge

I am so sorry for your sister. I too think she's got to get shot of this 'absolute Prince'. He clearly has no concern or consideration for anyone but himself. My first ever LTB. She's got support hasn't she?
Sounds like it, she's with her parents.

Poor girl, she should not be the one having to move out, he should. I hope she goes back and kicks him out.

How dare the man do this to a woman who has just had a baby.

I bet your parents have a few choice words to say to your brother in law, op. He should be thoroughly ashamed.

You can help your sister move him out and spend as much time with her as you can, doing a few bits and pieces to help. She also has mum and dad, thank goodness. However the first thing is for her to recover from her C-section, after that she will gradually recover from the hurt. I do hope she doesn't have PND but she will presumably be able to stay with your parents until she is ready to move back home.

sunnydays78 · 30/10/2020 06:41

All you can do is be there for her and support her with the baby. She will come to her own decisions about what to do, be a good listener. When things go wrong in relationships like this I think she perhaps hasn’t been living in a happy relationship anyway

bravefox · 30/10/2020 06:52

he was away drinking the night she came home from hospital

Wow! Even without the 'affair' this is pretty shocking!

MeetMeInMontauk · 30/10/2020 06:58

I would have advised telling him to get to fuck purely on the basis of being out on the piss the day/evening that his newborn baby and partner came home from hospital. The rest of it makes this a LTB no-brainer. I can't conceive of any scenario in which she isn't better off without, albeit after a difficult adjustment period.

MeetMeInMontauk · 30/10/2020 06:59

Cross-post with bravefox!

Worried234 · 30/10/2020 07:13

LTB now.

I was 35 weeks pregnant when I discovered my exH's affair. There is no coming back from this. He has betrayed your Sister at the worst possible time.

Honestly, tell her to leave the fucker.

Classicbrunette · 30/10/2020 07:14

Your poor sister. Thankfully she’s not married to him, but she needs to kick him out. Just be there for her for help, whatever she needs.

ItsNotPinkItsSalmon · 30/10/2020 07:16

He waited for her to have a baby then tell her he doesn't know how he feels. He's a scumbag and she should stay well clear. He's a pathetic excuse for a man.

PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 30/10/2020 07:17

Well, he patently doesn't want to be a good husband or father, so in fact he does know what he wants. She wants to not hang around hoping he'll change his mind. She wants to go.

Phillipa12 · 30/10/2020 07:22

This was me five years ago, he then strung me along for 3 months whilst he made up his mind, in truth he had made up his mind and already checked out, he played along though, he just wanted the outside world to see that 'we were making an effort to save our marriage' so he didnt look like such an arsehole when he did eventually leave. Your sister needs to come to this decision herself, I hope its sooner rather than later as my heart was broken a second time when he did call time on our marriage.

Bamboo15 · 30/10/2020 07:26

This is awful. I can’t imagine she will come to a different solution to this than you have.

Maybe let her take her time - it’s so much to take in and as hard as it is give her a space where she can speak where the whole focus isn’t on leaving him if she’s not yet decided.

She will probably know it’s a very bewildering time to make big decisions and she will protea the to speak to him. Support her is working through the above.

In the meantime do all the practical things get her things she needs from home and when / if she mentions how she’s going to cope without him help her make a plan of family support around the two children if that’s possible.

I think leaving is the right thing but that will be such a hard decision to make with a new born and a toddler and a c section that she might need to have some time and neutral sounding board space to come to that dispite the hurt and anger.

Original poster
Porkchop1980 · 30/10/2020 07:27

Thank you all for your replies. This is my first time using mumsnet and you are all saying what I’m thinking and trying to do.
They live on a remote farm so she is better off away from the home. The isolation wouldn’t help her. I’ve taken to the GP who made an urgent referral to a councilor as I’m also worried about PND and she seems very disconnected from her new baby. I’ve read something about “the script” is anyone able to enlighten me as to what this is and what she can expect from him next?

OP posts:
Original poster
Porkchop1980 · 30/10/2020 07:30

I’m sorry you had that happen to you. How did you cope and have you come through the other side?

OP posts:
Dontforgetyourbrolly · 30/10/2020 07:32

I'd be sitting on my hands trying not to punch him .
I agree with practical things like going back to the house to get anything she needs , taking her to/ from appointments etc , childcare if you are able.

Tissueboxcover · 30/10/2020 07:40

She needs legal advice asap. She is not married to him so leaving the relationship is probably easier, however, she probably has no rights to assets and property unless she can prove shared ownership.
She should not put his name on the birth certificate.
You could do some research into solicitors for her, help her find and retrieve any significant paperwork.
Are they renting or paying a mortgage? Does she have her own money? Joint account?
There is a lot of good advice and information on this board.
Most of all, she needs love and support. Thank goodness she has you.

letsdolunch321 · 30/10/2020 07:41

What a vile bastard he is. What made your sister look at his phone?@Porkchop1980

You sound a very supportive family, long term she'll be better off without him, though at the moment I am sure your sister is not thinking straight.

Keep being you OP and all the best to your sister & baby

SandyY2K · 30/10/2020 07:49

It's excellent that she has such a supportive loving family.

If this was my sister, I would continue supporting her and telling her that she deserves better than this and should focus on her lovely children and try not to allow him to ruin the enjoyment she should be having with her bundle of joy.

I know it's easier said than done....but she shouldn't let him dictate her future and decide if he wants her.

What utter disrespect from him.

queenofmycastlex · 30/10/2020 07:53

She should leave him but be prepared to support her through whatever decision she makes.

Similar happened to me when I had just had my DC but it took me a year to leave him. Hormones, PND and various other issues and I had no strength to leave him. I am happier than ever since I did leave him but my sister was a huge support during my decision to try and make it work then my subsequent decision to leave when I felt strong enough.

Pushing her to leave while she is so fragile post baby will be more damaging in my experience so you have to support her through whatever she decides and just be prepared it may be a long road before she decides to leave.

Emeraldangel · 30/10/2020 07:53

I would recommend you get the book runaway husbands by vikki stark as that will help you get ahead of/predict your sister’s husbands behaviour and likely next steps... he ll likely try to blame it on her/make out the relationship was dead already (even though they ve just had a baby!!)

Emeraldangel · 30/10/2020 07:54

Your sister is in an awful position and her head will be a mess but having the baby will probably help her get through. A very similar thing happened to me (turned out to be a full blown affair)