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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

3 day old baby and partners affair

42 replies

Porkchop1980 · 30/10/2020 02:44

Can anyone please offer any advice. My sister had a baby on Saturday. The day after she came home from the hospital she read her fiancée phone and saw messages from another women. She did this as he was away drinking the night she came home from hospital and didn’t come home until the very early hours (leaving her alone with a new baby and recovering from a c-section)
She confronted him once seeing the messages and he told her he isn’t sure he loves her anymore and he isn’t having an affair with the ow she’s a friend and they have kissed (wtf!). She then left the family home and is staying with my parents. As you can imagine her head is all over the place!! How can I help her?? She has spoken to partner once who says he is confused and doesn’t know what he wants?!!!!! Has anyone been in a similar situation and do you have any advice to offer. My heart is breaking for her, her new baby and her toddler daughter.

OP posts:
MajorMujer · 30/10/2020 07:55

Words fail me, what an utter cunt of a man

Thermo · 30/10/2020 07:55

Well this is beyond one of the shadiest things I’ve read . What a fucker!

Forget the script, forget the lot. She needs to stay away. There is no hope in hell for them, how cruel

Emeraldangel · 30/10/2020 07:58

She needs to get legal advice (perhaps she could do so with your support to help guide her through). Things are likely to get nasty over the house/any joint savings etc. If I were her I would keep completely quiet about the fact she s getting legal advice as you need to be tactical going forward even though she s just has a new baby so will not be thinking straight and under enormous emotional stress/not recovering from the trauma. Would recommend Catherine Silwal (google her). She s excellent. Even if you just pay for a few hours initial ‘crisis’ advice it would be worth it s weight in gold I think

Emeraldangel · 30/10/2020 08:05

Final thought is I would take legal advice before registering him on the birth certificate. I might get some comeback to this suggestion, but if he is registered then he automatically gets parental responsibility which can make life harder in longer term (input on choosing schools, needing his permission to go on holidays abroad to certain destinations etc... more of an issue if baby has his surname and your sister changes hers). As the mother she can register babies birth without him, if she does nt put him on birth certificate he can apply for parental responsibility but if he s not very interested in the baby he probably won’t and that could make your sisters life a lot easier in long term. I know this seems minutiae/a strange this to suggest right now but I got burned by it and would definitely get legal advice before registering. Good luck. Be a rock for her. She will need you but in the longer term, if she can break off from him now she will be so much better in longer term and eventually life will come good again

Artandlove · 30/10/2020 08:14

Listen to her, let her get it out her system - all of the hurt and anger, don’t take it personally if she is distant and let her reach the decision herself and support the decision she makes.

Sounds like an awful road ahead if she still wants him. He will probably start to rewrite what they had together to help with his guilt or say it’s something she did that made him do it.

BitGutted · 30/10/2020 08:15

She needs to get rid ASAP

More to the point eh tbare your parents putting him up? Bag up his stuff and turf him out

BitGutted · 30/10/2020 08:16

Sorry just re-read
But no she needs to turf him out and get her home back

Skyla2005 · 30/10/2020 08:19

Why did she leave with a toddler and tiny baby. He should have gone his the one who’s done wrong. Honestly what a total bastard. Your sister is at her most vulnerable I can’t imagine how she feels. I’m so glad your parents are supporting her. I think she needs to get all the support she can and split from him that really is the worst

gingerbreadfox · 30/10/2020 08:23

The poor poor woman. Just try and step up and be there for her as much as you possibly can. What an evil man to do that to her

Tissueboxcover · 30/10/2020 08:25

Skyla, she has had a c section. Maybe none of her family are in a position to come out to a remote rural location to look after her and her toddler and new baby.

Tistheseason17 · 30/10/2020 08:48

Just be there for your sister, without judgement,whatever decision she makes.

dottiedodah · 30/10/2020 08:57

WTF is wrong with some men? I honestly cannot comprehend how he could be looking for sex from another woman(bound to be more than a kiss I would say!) As others have said LTB a thousand times over .All you can do is be there for her whatever decision she makes .Hopefully she will divorce him ,but she has just had a baby so will be feeling very emotional anyway .

pinkyredrose · 30/10/2020 09:01

Who own thier home, is it in both names? He's awful, so sorry for her that this has happened. Hopefully she won't put him on the birth certificate or give the baby his surname.

jessstan1 · 30/10/2020 10:10

@Tissueboxcover

Skyla, she has had a c section. Maybe none of her family are in a position to come out to a remote rural location to look after her and her toddler and new baby.
She is back with her mum and dad.
Original poster
Porkchop1980 · 30/10/2020 10:37

Thank you all for your replies. I’m new to this forum and don’t know how to reply individually sorry!!
Luckily our sister in-law is a lawyer and will
be able to give her good advice (she specializes in family matters)
She is 3 hours away from her partner now and doesn’t want to go back home. The closet village is very small and her fiancée parents own the farm they live on.
Luckily she has a house that she owns and rents out so will have somewhere she can live if/when she decides too.
At this stage her partner has tried calling and wants to see the kids. She has told him she isn’t ready to see him and only after they have talked will he be able to see them (he has shown absolutely no interest in the new baby and minimal input with the toddler)
Any advice on when and where she should meet him? I’m worried she is gaining a little strength and I don’t want him setting her back with his lies, excuses and incredible ability to make it all about himself!!

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 30/10/2020 11:24

It's very early days, less than a week, I'd say there is no rush for her to see him yet and it would not be unreasonable for her to take some time out to process things before seeing him.
It sounds like she has more assets than he does, in which case it's good for her that she never married him.
If he's never been interested in the DC's he could be using them as an excuse to see her, in which case I'd be tempted to only contact to talk about future plans for DC contact, although I suspect when he sees her he will try to steer conversation more in a ' poor me' direction and make up some pathetic excuses, minimise and lie, then try to say the DC will be better off if they stick together regardless - which they won't be, growing up in an unhappy environment is never the best option, and how can your DSis ever be happy with him after this?

picosandsancerre · 30/10/2020 12:11

I am surprised his parents are not trying to see the new baby? Have they not been in touch at all. As for him wanting to see his DC, can your parents facilitate the visit? I dont think your sister is in a position to deal with that. Just all awful and I really feel for her

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