To think my body is putting men off?

[soradnod]

I have been on a few first dates recently (OD). Would describe myself as reasonably attractive, can scrub up pretty well and can look pretty good in photos. Have decent hair and face.

before each date, we had video calls where I did full face of make up (so same as I would on a date) and was in flattering pose i.e. chin down, kind of lying on sofa so whilst was comfy / made me look better I guess. No filters obviously and in brightly lit room on facetime or zoom.

Pre both dates, we had long chats by video call (eg 2 hours), exchanged messages so got an idea of personality and looks, voice etc. Both complimented me on the fact I was fun and enthusiastic, and both said I was really chatty, so dont think its something I am saying? We end up having really long chats, it just seems like the attraction fades for them when they see me in person

Ultimate issue is that first one went to two dates and faded, second one, could just tell he wasn't as keen on the date as he was on video call, but annoying made all the rights noises and insinuating us seeing other again etc. Just no flirtation. Any perceived attraction had just faded, you could tell.

Appreciate its a two way thing re attraction, I dont want to be conning people but equally want to look my best. Honestly, I guess it must be my body / style / way I carry myself? If video calls are all going well and they are keen and then put off by me in real life?

I am a size 8-12 but very petite and could definitely do with toning up a fair bit. Should probs invest in some more flattering clothes too

I am not looking to hold a pity party btw just be compleltely subjective and work out what the issue is.

You are not just having quick video calls, you are talking to them for 2 hours at a time. So by the time you meet up it’s the equivalent of the second or even third date, chat wise. That’s often the point that people realise the other person is not right for them, so maybe that is all that is happening.

Perhaps try to limit the video calling before meeting in person?

l wouldn't imagine that it was anything to do with your body and looks at all, or even at the meetings dates. It's most likely, that a lot of men on dating sites, are fickle. not worth a jot, just in it for fun, and talk crap on the phone or videos, and in real life, are not what they seem obviously.

You might meet a prince one day, as in a really nice genuine man. so forget the losers before.

@HaggieMaggie if you are American your sizes are two sizes below ours. Uk size 8 = American size 4. Uk 12 = American size 8.

I also found the size 8-12 comment a bit strange. 8 is petite, 12 isn't. Could be 12 on top and 8 below or opposite? Either way, laying down on the sofa will not give an accurate image of body type. IF that's at all relevant here. It's only a couple of dates. Try being 'normal' on the video chats - head and shoulders only.

I’m not getting the 8-12 thing and to a pp since like lockdown I’m a definite size 12 (fitted clothing such as tailored slim fit trousers, coats, button up blouses etc) at 5”5 and definitely clinically overweight on the charts and also with an unhealthy bmi. At an 8 I’m really slim looking, at 12 I’m chubby and some might say fat.

To OP quite obese people have no trouble finding dates, partners etc so I think it could be something else. Maybe too enthusiastic and “chatty”...I’m an introvert so find loud people hard to be around for too long in person. It can be really draining. And if you’re nervous on a date you might have been more chatty and a bit too much perhaps?

I even wondered if 8-12 was a typo as it does sound odd.

NameChange84
Or maybe after several hours of video calling by the time the in person date happens the usual avenues of conversation for early dates have been exhausted but they're not familiar enough to get into other topics, so the date might fall flat.

Maybe shorter video chats would give more organic conversation material for the in person date.

Petite means height not size. You can be petite 5ft but a size 20.

I'm sure it's a chemistry thing unless you are misrepresenting yourself in photos.

Really? I would never describe someone who is size 20 as petite. To me it means generally small-short and proportionally slim.

Of course plenty of overweight people are very attractive and get dates same as anyone else. But there’s no getting around the fact that there are also a fair amount of people for whom a potential partner being overweight is a deal breaker and not something they find attractive. So if that’s the case but very much concealed before meeting in person, I can see why it might be an issue. But as PPs have said, this has only happened a couple of times so may well just be bad internet dating luck and absolutely nothing about the Op physically.

Really? I would never describe someone who is size 20 as petite. To me it means generally small-short and proportionally slim

I agree with this. I think someone who was a size 20 describing themselves as petite would get a few raised eyebrows.

Size eight to twelve is a quite wide range to be honest, eight to ten or ten to twelve is more common,

I don’t think it’s your body but it’s kinda weird doing calls deliberately laying on your sofa with your chin down, it’s a bit try hard, just try to be yourself and relax. Present as you would on a date.

Petite means height not size. You can be petite 5ft but a size 20

No it doesn’t, petite is both height and stature, so small build and small height.

@Wearywithteens

Omg love how this debate has concluded that any women over a size 12 is considered completely grotesque and undateable. The OP’s sizing is totally irrelevant. People who judge a women’s worth on how slim they are are not worth knowing.

Where on EARTH did you draw that conclusion?

The vast, vast majority of posters on this thread have stated that it’s unlikely to be anything to do with weight and have pointed out that lots of genuinely overweight people find love. I’m concerned about your comprehension skills.

@Wearywithteens I think that’s you

What is a size 8-12? Surely it’s 8-10 or 10-12 you can be three sizes at once!

But tbh I doubt it’s your body. It’s just dating. Sometimes chatting a lot before meeting up gives you this idea of a person and that can feel different in person. I know there’s kind of no other way right now!

Omg love how this debate has concluded that any women over a size 12 is considered completely grotesque and undateable. The OP’s sizing is totally irrelevant. People who judge a women’s worth on how slim they are are not worth knowing
Are you reading a different thread to the rest of us?

Pointing out that there's a difference in size between an 8 and a 12 so expectations and reality might be different isn't saying anyone is grotesque.

If a man describes himself as tall then in my head that's a man over 6foot. That would be my expectation, and if he said 'just under 6 foot' then I'd still be expecting a tall guy. If we meet and he's scraping 5 foot 10 at best then the expectation from online dating is different to the reality.

It's a risk you take with online dating and nobody is obliged to find every human on the planet attractive. Everyone is attracted to different things and it's a worrying time when nobody can have preferences on who they are attracted to.

The dates could have fallen flat for any number of reasons.

What is a size 8-12?

I assumed it was 8 top and 12 bottom or vice versa.

Perhaps the dates didn't like the proportions. Who knows.

I didn’t realise size 12 was considered podgey or bigger 😳

@Bbang

I didn’t realise size 12 was considered podgey or bigger 😳

Well, it’s bigger than an 8...

I don’t think anyone is saying a size 12 = “podgey” automatically.

A 5”0 size 12 might look comparatively chubby compared with a 5”10 size 12. I’ve truthfully posted that I am clinically considerably overweight and a bob on size 12 in fitted clothes. I do definitely think I look podgy and not my best and more importantly I am at greater risk of cancer, heart disease and diabetes currently. I’ve got friends the same height and dress size that weigh far less - in fact one is a size 14, looks very slim and weighs two stone less that me. Dress size is not a reliable indicator of weight. You can be slim, a healthy weight and a size 12 or chubby (and I’d actually genuinely say fat right now about myself and most people in my family would agree with me) and in the red zone like me.

I didn’t realise size 12 was considered podgey or bigger

It depends on how tall you are. I looked podgy at a 12.

@Bbang

I didn’t realise size 12 was considered podgey or bigger 😳

Nor me. I was really skinny at size 12.

why were you lying on the couch?!

I am confused about the lying down and chin down?

@crimsonlake make her look skinner